Nightmares

I had 2 rather unsettling dreams last night.
In the first one my mum wanted to die and tried to kill herself.
I woke up crying which I dont think Ive ever done before......
I eventually went back to sleep and dreamt that i was viewing flats in Cliftonville.
For people who arent familiar with Cliftonville -you havent missed anything, its not a nice place and i would never want to live there.
But in my dream I was with him. Sort of.....
He wanted me to see these flats and decide if I wanted to live with him, but instead of coming with me he was down on the beach flying a kite.....

Now I dont believe in dreams coming true BUT I think that dreams is our minds way of processing what is going on in our lives and what goes round and round in our heads all day long...........

Unfortunately I didnt wake up with any clarity....
I still have the same doubts whizzing in my head.
I love him, I really do.
Still....
But I dont think he has grown up yet, I dont think he has finished playing....which I have..........
He can never be the strong man I can rely on to be there for me 100%
I always feel anxious that he will let me down one way or the other.

So...whats the point...Really?

Is it bad to just be ordinary?

When I was in my early 20's the last thing i wanted was to be like everyone else.
I wanted people to admire me, to look at me and think I was vastly exciting and intresting.

I have become somewhat addicted to an old school friends blog, and she really seem to have lived that exciting life I wanted to do.
She seems to have had many lovers (she doesnt say this but if you read between the lines...she has...haha)
So does that mean she is sexually free, intresting and exciting?
Or is she just a bit of a slut?

She is now married with 2 children and seems blissfully happy.
It makes me feel like Ive missed the train in a way.
Most of my friends are settled, if not married they are living with their long term boyfriend and if they havent already got children they are pregnant or trying to get pregnant.
And here I am, single again....and not enjoying it as much as I did before.

Anyway back to my friend
Can i still call her that? Not sure if I can even call her an aquaintance......
Anyway....
In her blog she describes a lot of seedy clubs (her words not mine) she used to go to when she was travelling around the world.
She describes the men (and women) she met and had "brief encounters" with.

There is a part of me that is insanely jealous and thinks "That was the life I was supposed to have!"

But then I stop and think.....
If I ever had ended up in a seedy club in a far away country I would probably feel utterly lost and scared...
I would pray that i would get out of there with my dignity still intact.
Im just not a very exciting person, well maybe there is someone out there who thinks I have lived an exciting life (most likely to be my mother....)

And then I feel, thats ok
I dont have to have slept with 100's of men (and women?) and danced the night away in a club thick with cigar smoke
Neither do I need to obey my inner lesbian (not sure if I actually have one...) to be able to say
"I have lived a full life"
because I slowly realise that what gives me meaning and things that makes me happy are the little things, and i mean little things
Like a smile from a friend (or a handsome man in the queue in Tesco), waking up on a sunny saturday and realise I dont have to go in to work,
or you answering the phone when i call........

Oh god please no.....

Nam was cooking something earlier tonight, she is a fantastic cook and normally Im down in the kitchen, tasting her aromatic eastern dishes and having a chat about the day we have had.
Not tonight.
I was in the bathroom with my head in the toilet....

I mean, it could be because im so unbelievably tired, dont think Ive recovered from the flu I had last week....
But....does tiredness get affected by garlic?

Well Im going to sleep now, and hoping to wake up refreshed, rested and in a good spirit.

decision time

So, Ive had a week off with the flu, high fever and a lot of snot.
Me and my dad had a little mth session over the phone where we came to the conclusion that I have used 246 packets of tissues.
Is that even possible?
In one week/
Math is not my strenght but it is my dads....and I wouldnt be the one telling him that he is wrong.....
Im back at work but to be honest I could probably do with a couple of more days in bed, but Ive had my week off, now its someone elses turn.......

So time to make a decision.....Ive said this for 8 years now.....
And everytime Ive put it on the backburner and thought "Ill think about it another time"

But I think I now really need to close some chapters in my life
And start others
Im not so sure that I should leave my future in the hands of fate anymore
Think she has had the chance for a bit too long now haha

So,
What to do?
Should I stay?
Or should I go?

Its not logic, its love

Its not logic...
Its just love......
Plain and simple love, if love can ever be simple...
Its complicated.......
and it hurts
and i hate it

You know when you wake up with a niggly feeling at the back of your mind.............................
It starts as something niggly, but at the end of the day its all you can think about...
Or as in my case, half way through the day, its ALL you can think about...haha

I just wish he was honest with me, if he has met someone cant he just tell me?
Why sneak and tell me he still loves me?
But not keep our arrangements?
I am so much better off without him arent I?
That is an actual question....so please, tell me.....

Having a girlie night tonight and it wouldnt surprise me if he turns up tonight, with his tail between his legs saying he thought it was tonight we were meeting?

TWAT!
Hahaha

It is getting better......

At least i think so......
Saw him today when he dropped off some money to me, he said I have to trust him.......
I said sorry, but i dont..................
He looked so hurt...the look in his eyes.....
But i cant care about that.....
I need to think about myself now, to make myself happy.....
But why does it hurt to hurt someone else?
Maybe he wasnt hurt.....?
Maybe it is just me who thinks he was....
Ah well i have to stop thinking about it so much