It seems that my suitcases has gone missing. I am convinced I brought them to my parents to store in their attic after I had unpacked them in May. My mum however, says that I put them in my own garage. Or not MY OWN garage, the garage isn't mine, it's my landlady's but I for example keep my hoover there. I have no recollection of putting my suitcases in the garage, so we are all slightly baffled of where they have dissapeared to. So I have now packed in two holdall bags, because neither of them are big enough to carry all my clothes Im taking with me. Im guessing most of you now thinks that I should buy new clothes in England, BUT I might not have enough time to leisurely stroll around town and look for new clothes, so I better take a whole lot with me, just in case.
I am excited to get away, just because I love driving, and have incredibly fond memories about our car holidays we went on when I was in school. Me and my mum always have a good time when we are away on roadtrips.
I'm excited to see Donna, Betty, Vanessa and Alexandra again (even though I saw Alexandra only 2 weeks ago) and on saturday night Im hoping to see some of the girls from work i.e Kirstie, Mandy, Andrea, Paula? If they got time I'm sure they will meet me in the pub.
It will be a great time away, and when I come back I will be ready to start my studies (hopefully)
If I dont get time to write whilst away, I wish you a pleaasant couple of weeks. See you soon
As I told you yesterday there is a leak in my bathroom, my landlady said the insurance company would be here by 7am today to look at the damages etc. So I set my alarm for 06.45 which I was not happy about. At 07.10 my landlady comes down to me and says they are not coming until Monday now... Bloody trades men... After an hour I heard someone flushing the toilet somewhere in the house and guess what happens! Water starts dripping into my bathroom...Just the thought of dirty toilet water dripping on me when I'm brushing my teeth....ishk!! So I am staying with my parents for the weekend, less smelly that way.
I met up with Sofie and her daughter Astrid for lunch today in town. I had a lovely chicken salad and an orange juice. We then strolled around and looked in the shops for a while.
I always feel happy and content after some quality time with one of my girl friends, I couldn't live without them and I always wonder about women who say "I haven't got any female friends". How do they survive? How do you go through life without anyone to confine to? To vent your worries to? To giggle hysterically with? Yes your husband/boyfriend/life partner should be your best friend, but on a different level, your girlfriends are like strawberry jam on wholegrain bread.
I cant wait to get a different bigger flat, so I can have a girlie evening with food, wine, cake and lots of laughter. That will be top of my priorities for when I move, a big girls only housewarming party.
So I'm back home in my little flat, my parents came back OK, but my poor dad has brought back the flu, fingers crossed it is not swine flu...
On Monday I realised something was leaking from my bathroom ceiling. I have said since the day I moved in, there is a peculiar smell in the flat, but my mum has been persistent it is only because its a basement flat it smells different from a top floor flat. But lo and behold I was right... There is a leak that starts in the bathroom on the third floor, goes through second and first floor, before it comes to me, where it is flowing with a vengeance. The stink is disgusting and Ive been burning essence in the bathroom all night, just to cover up the bad smell. Spoke to my landlady and apparently it will cost 270,000 - 300,000 SEK to get it sorted (approx £25,000) I really hope she wont put the rent up... Then ill be buggered. Internet is playing up as well tonight, I need to look at that, I will depend on it now when I start my courses. If I haven't got Internet when I need it I will not be able to complete my course work.
I'm tired, exhausted actually. So will go to bed and sleep, the plumber is coming at 7am tomorrow. I will leave you with something peaceful and relaxing
Ive woken up too early for a day off and a night of restless sleep. My head is pounding and I have sneezed what feels like a hundred times in an hour. So this weekend has to be a weekend of rest,at least I hope it will be a restful weekend, my parents are coming home from their holidays today, and knowing my mother, she will have lots of things she needs to "run by me".
On Monday me and my mum are setting off to England to pick up the rest of my things that are stored in Vanessa's attic, I am excited and nervous. Excited because me and my mum always have a good time when we do things together and I love travelling by car. I am also extremely excited about seeing all my friends who I miss so much that sometimes it physically hurts me.
I used to have a fire in my belly, even though I got older I still felt that I was on a huge adventure whilst living in England. I felt like I was on a gap year and was just having fun with no responsibilities, (even though I DID have responsibilities) no one to answer to and no pressure of ever growing up. As Ive said before, I still live my life like a 22 year old student.
Now I feel like the party is over. I have to become an adult and stop the silliness and immatureness. (for example stop making up words like immatureness...its not grammatically correct)
So here I am, enrolling to college to bump my grades up, feeling a bit down to have found out that the NVQ's I worked my arse off to complete in England means nothing here.... Waste of time someone even told me... I'm scared that I will start a course that when I'm finished I still wont get a job because I'm too old, it is more attractive to have a 22 year old working for you. And I don't think anyone will be impressed if I stomp my feet and say that "I'm 22 on the inside".
So what will become of me? I don't know, only time can tell I suppose....
I can feel myself venturing out on deep waters, where I can so easily loose the control Ive just got back. Like a ship, lost, in the night, knows the destination but not how to get there. The fear of icebergs, hidden in the water, that will rip the skin up and allow the intestines to freely escape into the dark sea and eaten by sea urchins. I know I shouldn't go here, I need to stay on dry land, where it is safe and I cant drown again, where I wont get lost in deep dark wholes and there is no light. To achieve the life I decided that I want for myself, safe and comfortable, no more drama.
But I'm quite good at creating my own drama. Makes life that more exciting...and passionate
I have woken up with a cough, one of those quite annoying tickly coughs that makes your eyes tear, and for some reason I start to think about something I either read somewhere or someone told me. I cant remember exactly how I know this, but a couple of times it has been brought up in conversation by other people, so I know its not just something I made up. Apparently we "consume" an amount of bugs and other creepy crawlings in our sleep each year, i.e spiders, mosquito's, flower flies etc, they crawl into our mouths and nose and we swallow them. It makes my skin crawl when I think of how many spiders Ive eaten in my time...
The other night I left the window open to cool my bedroom down before I went to bed, I also left my bedside light on..which was a big mistake, when I came in to go to bed, there were thousands of little flies buzzing around the lamp and on my pillow where the light was aimed to. I have never seen anything like it before.
I managed to sweep them off the bed and I'm pretty sure they died immediately, but the question is still there...how many of those flies did find their way into my mouth during the night?
And then another question pops into my head: Occasionally you wake up in the morning with "dog taste" in your mouth, is that because you have eaten a spider during the nocturnal hours? I'm thinking of going asleep with a scarf over my face from now on. But then the chances of me surviving the night are reduced severely, so maybe I just have to accept that sometimes a bug will find its way into my tummy.
Ah well its his loss, he will die. Or maybe he will build a nest? And one day when I burp a whole bunch of baby spiders will come crawling out of my mouth, just like in a horror film.
Hope you didn't choke on your food. Have a great weekend, I'm spending it reading.
Today was my last day at work, my summer temp contract has run out and I am officially unemployed. So today I enrolled to "adult college", where I will study maths and hopefully get fantastic marks so that I can apply and get accepted to university next year. I am feeling very excited.
I arrived to St Pauli school and got a minor chock when I realised that there was 150(!) people in front of me, waiting to be enrolled. I was lucky to find a ticket with a lower NR on the floor so there was only 60 people in front of me, but it still took 2.5 hours before I was seen... I was then rushed into an information meeting on how the Internet program I will be using works. Yes you read it correctly, I wont be going to class and have a teacher face to face when I'm doing this course..it will be done over the Internet! Maths and Internet, my two favourite things....Am I just setting myself up to fail? No I am determined to succeed in this! I have now realised that I cant carry on working hands on in care for much longer, my back is loudly and violently protesting. So I need to do something else, but I would like to stay within the care sector, so there are two university courses I'm interested in, Ill apply to both and then keep my fingers crossed I will be accepted to one of them.
My back is much better today, tomorrow I have a "date" (I wish) with the cute physio therapist again, in the evening I'm off to the festival with great friends for some good food, hopefully good music and some serious people watching. Now it is time for a shower, I feel skanky and in need of some TLC.
It feels like a Sunday night. Probably because I haven't been working for 5 days, but going back in tomorrow for my last two days. Found out I even get sick pay for these days, not too shabby is it? I have been doing my exercises as directed by the cute physiotherapist, and I'm actually feeling a lot better.
I think I might run myself a hot bath and then have an early night, tuck myself up with my book "Men who hates women" its a Swedish book and I don't actually know if it has been translated, and if that is what it is called in English. Its a very good book anyway.
This is me and my friend Sara, we went to nursery together, our mothers worked together in the hospital, so we really have known each other our whole lives.. I always look back at Sara as this brave, fearless girl who I looked up to and wished I was as brave as. She used to climb trees like she was Tarzan himself, she would also climb out on the roof outside her window and sit there when her mum thought she was asleep. Me on the other hand never dared to go against my parents wishes in ANYTHING. But turns out that Sara used to see me as her protector, if I was around she knew I would beat and scare anyone who wasn't nice. Well she couldn't have been more wrong could she? I was and still am the biggest wimp to ever walk, but it is nice to know that there is someone who thought I was quite scary...
Yesterday I finally got to see the physio therapist (Oh.So.Cute!) After prodding me for a while he came to the conclusion that a couple of the soft, spongy disks between the vertebra's has "floated out" and made small "bubbles". Its not dangerous but I have exercises I need to do every other waking hour so that I can push the disk back into place. It sounds worse than it is..but I guess all the years of me trying to give myself a good posture by "tucking my pelvis under" and rolling back my shoulders....did just the opposite...I have almost straightened my spine out, so instead of it being in a curve like an S, it is almost straight like an I...well done Mia...no wonder I'm in pain. Cute doctor/physiotherapist said he wants to see me again on Friday (well twist my arm...) and possibly give me more exercises.. damn it, I don't like exercises..
Last night girlfriend Sara came over (see photo at the top). Me and Sara has a friendship I have with no one else, we can not meet up or talk for a year, when we then meet, its like we never been apart, we just click right back into talking about our lives and work and happenings. She is great and I'm so glad she is still in my life and we haven't drifted apart in the roller coaster that is life. We ate chicken wrapped in bacon, salad, new potatoes and cold sauces. For afters I made a crumble apple pie with Swedish custard, there is only one word that can describe it: YUMM! With full bellies we crashed in the sofa and Sara forced me to listen a typical Swedish summer "plague song". About "a little bird, who lived in the country side, his name was Roger and he wanted to play with his friends." these lyrics carries on for almost the entire song, but in the end we find out that "one day Roger gets shot, and falls down from the sky and now Roger is dead". And believe it or not, there is a video.... I found it on Youtube.... Check it out
I especially like the part where someone shouts "Are you ready?" That is a classic.. very BassHunterEsc....
We then decided that a proper drink was in order, so Sara made a very sweet Martini/Wild berries cocktail from my dads bar cabinet and then left an "I owe U" note. When my parents see it they will have such a giggle and find it hilariously funny. I gwent to bed around 2am after Sara realised she had missed her last bus, so had to call a cab..
Today I have been fairly productive, Ive called the university and the adult school. On Thursday I'm enrolling to bump my grades in Maths up, in January I'm enrolling to a writing course and August next year I'm enrolling to the university. Looks like I'm going back to school... exciting..and scary...
Ive just seen Mika's new video for his new song "We are golden" I love Mika..talk about music that makes you happy and make you want to jump for joy and dance to. I cant decide if I fancy him or not, he is a bit too slim for my liking (chances are if he stands behind me he will disappear...) But he radiates a sexiness I didn't see in his previous videos. Ill let you judge for yourself, is he sexy? Or too camp?
So what is happening on this glorious Sunday? Not much, my back is worse than yesterday so I will take it easy today as well, but need to go home to collect clean underwear at some point, cant be a skank just because I'm housebound. Have a great Sunday everyone
So it is Saturday, I'm listening to Jordin Sparks new album, it is surprisingly good. I was supposed to work today, but I have been told not to...so I'm tucked up in bed with laptop, newspaper, magazine and my book. There was an article about school bullies that capture me for a while and made me think of the school bullies I grew up with.
In the article the journalist contacted the boy who used to beat him and everyone else in the class, they teased him for being fat and he beat them until they cried and begged him to stop. Would he still have beaten them had they never teased him? Turns out the boy's dad used to beat him at home, and he has grown up to be a member in an "MC gang", he has spent some time in prison, and he has " never started a fight, but ended quite a few" he continues to say that he don't want his daughters to go through the same hell as he did, so he has taken a huge life insurance on himself. I get the feeling he is expecting to die before his time.
I remember the children that was beaten everyday at our play ground by the "though ones" and I wonder what sort of life they have today? As far as I know no one of my class mates were abused by their parents, but what do we really know about what happens behind closed doors? It would break my heart to find out that someone I used to meet everyday, had to go through their own personal hell everyday at home, maybe they came to school for some respite, only to be beaten by their class mates who felt they needed to "prove" themselves in some obscure way. What did they need to prove? What is that makes a child cruel? Can it be that one in a million is born with an extra gene? a "cruel gene"? I'm guessing that 99% of cruel children who grow up to be nasty, evil adults has been badly treated from the start by their parents, and know nothing else, don't know how to treat people you love and care about, don't get taught how to love?
I can feel myself digging into an area I don't know enough about to write a post of good quality, so I will stop here. Child abuse is heart breaking. Bullying is terrible. If we can stop the first, then maybe the second will automatically stop? Or am I just naive in my way of thinking?
I called the doctors this morning and talked to a very friendly nurse. She said I need to see a physio therapist but there is no time available today, I have an appointment for Monday instead. Ive been told to take paracetamol every four hours, keep my back warm and not even think about working until after the physio therapist has looked at me, but if it gets any worse and I loose the control of limbs or bladder I have to go to the emergency room. (I wonder what the doctor would say if I told him the reason I'm there is because "I've wet myself") But no worries, I'm still in full control of my bladder and I'm planning on staying that way.
I decided that the place to be is my parents flat, their sofas are more comfortable, their TV is bigger and has more channels than mine and the bed I sleep in here is more comfortable than the one in my flat, and it is one of those with a remote control so I can lift head and/or feet. So Ive made myself comfortable in front of the telly to start a five hours "daytime TV marathon", Ive got two blankets wrapped around my back/waist (well waist area..I haven't got much of a waist) I'm propped up with cushions and got Donna's bear that has been warmed up in the oven pressed against the lower part of my back, and I'm starting to feel better. I left my book at home though..I will need to go back and get it later, there is no way I can be without it later tonight. I feel awful for letting my colleagues down at the weekend though, but at the moment I would be more of a hindrance than help..so I better stay here in sofa land, where I can be judgemental to "Project Runway" and "ANTM"
Ive pampered myself a little bit, my mum has a lot of different peeling creams, lotions and potions (which explains where I got my love for beauty treatments from) luckily I know she doesn't mind if I use and try some her creams and ointments. Ive had a facial peeling and then I found an orange "oil" that I thought would be sticky and "oily" on my face but quite the opposite, my face is smooth, soft and sweet smelling. Yum.
Well I'm off to put the bear back in the oven, its getting a bit cold. Hope you all have a good day.
I was helping a client in the bathroom when something snapped in my back. Sharp pains were shooting up to my neck and down my legs and I blacked out for half a second. I clinged onto my poor client, luckily she was sitting down so there was no major accident, but I couldn't move for a minute or so. My wonderful colleague let me go early and I'm now home piled up with cushions, drugged up to the eye balls but still in agony, I am in a cold sweat from the pain. I will have to call the doctor first thing tomorrow morning and get an emergency appointment I'm hoping its just a trapped nerve but somehow I think I'm fooling myself this time with my positive thinking. I just have to wait and see what happens over night.
My parents sent me a text this morning, they landed in Phuket and their luggage went to Bangkok...something that has never happened to us before (touch wood) I hope it will arrive to their hotel room within 24 hrs..holidaying without your clothes cant be fun.
I discovered Spotify properly about a month ago, my friend Sara sent me an invitation since you cant just join, willy nelly, when I first came home (I cant believe it is 4 months ago..) but I just couldn't get my head round it. I have now however, and I'm making lists left right and centre and I found a long forgotten song from years ago. I know that Micke has played it a couple of times whilst Ive been there, but I haven't really listened to it, until I found it on spotify a few days ago. And tons of memories came flooding back, from the summer after my first miscarriage, I went home to my parents to heal and recharge and ended up having a great time with the girls. I am quite good at pushing some things to the back of my mind and not think about it anymore, but sometimes things pop back up and I think "what if".. What if I hadn't miscarried that first time? What would have happened? I would have had a 9 year old child now. And what if I hadn't lost the second one? He or she would have been 7 years old now.
None of my pregnancies have been planned, they have all come as a total surprise and chock since I DID protect myself. I knew in my heart these were not boys who were "father material", but they had velvet eyes and oh such soft lips..
My fourth and last miscarriage was probably the saddest and hardest one. We didn't use protection, we didn't really plan a baby, but if an "accident" would happen we would be fine, actually over the moon about it. And it happen, (because a midwife once told me that I am apparently extremely fertile, which I'm not sure if I should take as a compliment or just a slap in the face since I haven't yet been able to carry a pregnancy through) It was just before Christmas and I had planned to wrap the test in gift wrap since it was His birthday 3 weeks before Christmas. I never got to give it to Him, instead He got a hysterical girlfriend on the phone. I still think what would have happened if I had got to keep that one? Where would we have been now? Happy families with a gorgeous, naughty 2 year old? Or would I be a single mother struggling to get ends to meet? I know He would have (and will one day) been a great dad, I suppose we were just not meant to be. But I still wonder. And I wonder if He still thinks about it? Does He wonder "what if"?
Hope you enjoy Kylie, it is still one of my favourite songs
...when you are having fun they say. I realised last night that I haven't written in over a week, this is however not because Ive been having lots of fun, but Ive had problems with the Internet. It seems to be up and running now though so hopefully it will stay up.
I have also been working a whole lot, felt slightly panicky about only having one more week of definite work, then I am officially unemployed, so I took on some extra shifts and ended up working 9 days in a row, and Ive just agreed to working tomorrow as well, I'm now officially exhausted! The good news though, are that I have a meeting tomorrow where I will be registered in what is in Sweden called a "pool" or "bank" for temping staff, so I will (hopefully) be contacted by employers in the entire city when they need cover for people going off sick. On Monday I have an interview with a company who provides personal assistants to private people. Working as a personal assistant isn't really what I most want to do, especially not to elderly people, my heart and passion is with disabled and children with special needs, but at the end of the day I need a job to pay my rent and bills. I was recommended by a girl Ive been working with this summer, she said the girls are lovely and friendly and they really were when I called and talked to them a couple of days ago. So keep your fingers crossed for me. My CV is on its way out to companies I want to work with so hopefully I will hear from them.
My parents went on their holiday today, I drove them to the airport and waved them off. It is a rather bizarre feeling, me being here in Sweden and they are not. I am so jealous of them, they have gone off to Thailand again and I am just green with envy (even though they deserve to have a fab holiday) I'm working on going away with Donna next year. To somewhere nice and warm. I feel I need to go away to a far away land, stay in a nice hotel, stroll on the beach all day and consume drinks with umbrellas at nigh. Leave all worries behind me and just chill out for a couple of weeks.
I'm feeling run down, like when I'm coming down with a cold I'm cosied up in my arm chair, it's not particular comfortable, but it works for now, and I'm watching "So you think you can dance" a new favourite show of mine. I have just been moved to tears by Kayla Radomski and Kupono Aweau dancing a routine called "Addiction". For some reason I felt she was addicted to a person instead of a drug or alcohol and just after a few seconds I felt the tears streaming down my face. I realise that I very easily get "addicted" to people (I should say men really) I have felt so many times, that I will die if this person disappears from my life, I will literally stop breathing and stop existing if I am no longer a part of this two some and be just me again. But at times, when I have tried to break free, stand on my own two feet and be independent I have been pulled back with a scornful smile and laughter. Only to be thrown away a short time later and left in a heap, only remains of my former self.
Well, I asked for it, and now its here with a vengeance.. I'm talking about the rain. It started raining last night and it is coming down hard now, I don't really mind, since I'm indoors, warm and dry. But when I got off the bus I realised that the seat I had been sitting on were wet! Why didn't I realise that when I sat down? I still pray that it was just rain from a wet coat, and I'm 99% sure it was just water, but you can never be really sure can you? As soon as I came home I threw all my clothes in the washing machine and put myself in a hot shower and scrubbed my tush until my skin was red raw and stinging. Just to make sure there were no horrible germs crawling on my skin that might mutate and grow a third head on my skin and then kill me.
I'm also getting seriously nervous about what will happen in 3 weeks time, when my summer contract runs out..... And I haven't even looked into anything else... Stupid and irresponsible, I know.Which I suppose I am now being punished for.
I have a list of people to call tomorrow. I recall telling you some time ago that I live my life like a 22 year old, and once again I am proven how immature I am for thinking that everything will be fine, everything will work out fine. And I'm sure it will work out, one way or the other, but maybe if I put some effort into my own life I could do something really great, something meaningful and fulfilling, something I would get a real job satisfaction from. Not just go there because I have to so that I can pay the bills, but wake up and feel I'm doing something for myself.
Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. I love that saying, makes me feel hopeful and positive. And I have to start somewhere, so I might as well start with making some phone calls.
I'm halfway through a book that I thought would have me laughing until I cried. It is translated to "The bitter cunt". I have seen a TV show called "Balls of steel", where a woman is "attacking" men on the town, shouting and letting all her bitterness out. It is quite hilarious, so I was disappointed when I started reading this book (which has no connection the programme) I thought it would be something equally funny. But it is (I think) a biography of this woman and how she became such a "bitter cunt" and the first chapters is dedicated to talking about how disappointed and let down she feels by her husband and that she doesn't see it as a miracle or as fabulous as everyone says it is to become a mother.
Maybe it is the fact that I haven't been able to carry through a pregnancy yet that I feel she is just out of order and I can feel myself turning into a "bitter cunt"
But as I have carried on reading (once Ive started reading a book I make it my mission to finish it) I can sympathise more with why she has become so bitter and why she isn't overly impressed with men, when she writes about men she has met at work and in life I can fully understand her. I am definitely becoming bitter in sympathy with her.
I will give you an example of a conversation she had with an ex colleague. At her own leaving dinner where the male colleague got promoted and she didn't even get her contract renewed even though he pitched an idea to the bosses that she had pitched only a day or so before and the bosses didn't like it, but when the male colleague pitched, they loved it. I would be bitter too, I wouldn't be the bigger person and leave gracefully, I would break anything breakable in that managers office then cut his silly little tie off or something else immature. But back to the conversation at her leaving do. The male colleague says that when people hear that he owns a flat in Bangkok they automatically think he visits prostitutes on a regular basis, when in fact he hasn't been to a prostitute for at least 10 years! When the male colleague realises that Sara (our leading lady) is not laughing or finding this very funny at all he tries to excuse himself by saying that he never, never went to a Thai prostitute whilst being in a relationship, he never cheated on anyone with a prostitute! When Sara explains that she doesn't care about if he cheats or not, but she feels extremely uncomfortable to hear "that he has used poor Thai women who are forced to prostitute themselves to survive" she also asks the male colleague "how it feels to fuck someone who has to do it to earn money, but isn't in the slightest horny herself"
The male colleague tries to defend himself and explain that if you have never been to Thailand you wont understand, because they have a completely different culture than we have in Europe. When asked if he really thinks it is a part of the Thai culture to sell themselves he says that "these are girls who don't want to sweat in a laundry 12 hours a day, so they are just being smart" At this point Sara stands up and leaves the party. And I don't blame her, I am still terribly upset about what I read, because even if the book was to be fiction I think there are men (and to be fair, probably women as well) in this world who think that some women really want to be prostitutes and have sex with sweaty, bald men who are old enough to be their grandad. So once again I understand, forgive and join her in her "bitter cuntness" (I know that isn't a real word...) I will carry on reading about Sara and whereas I have more understanding about her bitterness, I hope for her own sake that she will mellow out a bit, I don't think it is good for one person to constantly feel that angry and bitter.
I feel the need for a cheap and cheerful movie before bedtime and an 11hrs shift at work tomorrow.
"The bitter cunt" from the tv show "Balls of steel" Sorry, its in swedish and cant be translated. Hope all Swedish people enjoy it in the chocking way I did.
I have made the descision to make this blog a bit more public than it was before.
I suppose I have - like so many other people in this world - a burning desire to be understood and a passion to make my point of view heard.
I promise to tell the truth as I see
it, if you dont like it I can only apologise and then you can choose not to continue reading it.
