Im really miserable at work......
But if I really think about it I should be laughing.......
I work 4 days and then have 4 days off.....
The 4 days im working i work 10-16 hrs though.....
But then i have 4 whole days off.....
Why am i not loving it???
I get paid good ish money.....

Bloody hell im never satisfied am I?
Lol

It matters to me.................
Baby i still dont understand,
when we dont talk
when we dont touch
when it doesnt feel like we are even in love,
Dont know what to say dont know what to do
dont know if it really even matters to you
How can i make you see it matters to me

Dont you know how much it hurts
It matters to me


I need to stop moping like this.....
Writing silly poems and listening to love songs will just make things worse...

Went to the beach today, and got burned...
I swear my skin smells like burnet flesh...thats attractive! NOT!

SNAP OUT OF IT!!!!!

When we met up the last time he said that he was sorting himself out.....
And I can see that he is changing...that he has changed.....but how do I know its for real?
How do i know he wont go back to his old ways?
And i will be let down again?

But why does it still hurt so god damn much?
Why do I still miss him every day?
My friends wouldnt understand if I tried to explain......they just think im so much more possitive and happier since we split....and in a way i can agree.......but when im on my own....
Im just so miserable....and it still feels like my heart has been put in a food processor....

Would it be good if we got back together?
Or would i loose my friends?
But if they are real friends they wouldnt let me down would they?
They wouldnt tell me to choose between him and them?
Thats not friendship.........

I know i was unhappy at times, quite often............
But still...........

Im back.....

I was suprised to see that my account hasnt been deleted......I wasnt sure if I would write here again, but now I feel like I will explode if i dont.....lol

Im not getting married anymore....he changed his mind.......said that he wasnt ready, but he still loves me and thought we should be together.
We tried for a while.....but then he decided that he should move back to his mother and we should go back to just dating....we had rushed into things too quickly and he needed more time with the boys.....

It felt like someone had litterally sliced up my body and very brutally wripped all my intestance (that probably isnt spelled like that......) out.

I had to phone the church and cancel,
I had to phone the hotel and cancel,
I had to cancel our honeymoon which my dad had already paid for,
and I have to go and collect my wedding dress soon....because once its been ordered you still have to pay for it and collect it......

He didnt do anything apart from tell me that he is very sorry...and this hasnt been intentional..... and isnt it better that it happens now than that he would stand me up at the altar?
Or leave me after our honeymoon?

What am i supposed to say to that? Should I be grateful?

I moved out from our flat, am now living in a house share, which is fine for the time being, i dont need to worry about bills or even cleaning....because its all included in the rent
I feel settled and am spending a lot of time with my wonderful girl friends.
If it wasnt for them I would probably be sitting in a corner, rocking backwards and forwards mumbling non understandable sentences.

So two weeks ago i recieve a txt mewssage from him saying that he cant go on without me, I am his life, i mean the world to him, he loves me so much and would I be his girlfriend again?

I should probably have called him and tell him where to go....but I couldnt...
That txt message devastated me....I didnt need to know that....
I told him i didnt want to talk about it over the phone but could meet up with him the following week, which we did
I told him I cant be his girl friend, too much has happened and I am still too raw and emotional to even try to trust him again......
He broke my heart and I need time to heal......

My friends say that I need to break the contact completely for a while....so that I actually can heal....I know what they are saying and I would probably say the same if it had been the other way around....but its hard to do that....he was such a big part of my life........

But this is the hardest time in my life...what I am going through right now........

Am considering going back to sweden, to my mum and dad.
But am i then running away?
I need to figure that out....
I just want to be closer to my mum, to just go over there after work and get a much needed cuddle......

But would I really be happy?
Would i have still have friends?
I have kept in touch with a few girls, but the question is.....if i lived in Sweden would we have anything in common?
Would I be invited out? or to their homes?

Or would we drift apart and see less of each other than when I was in England?
and would I meet up with all my facebook friends???
Or is that just polite chat we say that "it would be just lovely to see you again, please keep in touch!!! We must meet up all of us again!"

I dont know...?
I really dont know.........

Then there is obviously the question about work and somewhere to live....
I cant stay with my parents forever.....
And i cant be without a job forever.........

ARRGHHH I wish someone else could make my decisions.......Just tell me "this is what you need to do Mia.........

What would you do?