Yes, it has been a while since I last wrote. Someone told me that they missed my blogging a couple of days ago, and in a way I do too. But as I said in one of my last posts, my heart is not for the whole world to take part of anymore. I have been pondering on how to carry on writing and blogging without hurting myself, and I still cant really think of a way. I have no exciting hobbies to write about, I cant cook and although I enjoy decorating, I cant say that it is to the level of devoting a whole blog to it. Sure I could recommend books and films that I have seen, because I am a selfconfessed film/tvwhore and a bookwhore, but someone else in Sweden already has that name on her blog...
So it is once again Christmas, my favourite time of the year. Christmas exploded in my flat on December the 1st, it was so much fun putting all the decorations up. Here are a couple of photos. Something is wrong with my camera and/or computer, so most of the photos comes in upsidedown...Ill see if I can correct it and show you some more photos of my christmasy flat.
I have caught some great moments with my phone of the wintery landskape we have here at the moment. This year I have actually enjoyed the snow, it could be because it hasnt affected me too much..yes it has taken longer to get from A to B, but I have always managed to get where I have wanted to get to. Look at these pictures, you have to admit it is gorgeous...
The fountain on the square in the centre, I dont know if they didnt turn off the water on purpose, or if someone didnt do their job properly...? Looks beautiful anyway I think.
This looks a bit magical dont you think? Like, if you sit on the bench you will get transported to Narnia or someother magical land...? Or is it just me with the vivid imagination?
Giant icicles outside of work, I read in the newspaper about a man who blamed all the icicles on the rich people living in penthouses so the heat would sip out from under the rooftops and "crash" with the cold air outside, creating icicles... I have to say that I am a bit surprised that the newspaper even printed that story... These icicles are not outside a penthouseflat, neither are the people who live here rich, but we still have the biggest icicles I have ever seen. I think.
Christmaseve was yesterday, and we celebrated Swedishstyle. Just me and my parents, eating lots of good food, relaxing and spending time together. And ofcourse handing out gifts. Looks like I have been very good this year, I was very spoiled. I got this, amongst other things. I am a bit nervous of how to get it going to be honest...I would much rather someone else came and installed it for me..(yes that is a hint to you Sara..) But I will give my best shot at it first, maybe its not as difficult as I imagine... Wish me luck.. Have a great christmasday people, I might write again before the year is over, you never know.
I have been on a trainingcourse today. It has been a gorgeous sunny day and I walked home. It was gorgeous and I have taken some photos with my iPhone. I love the app Hipstamatic!! It takes really good, different photos. Hope you like them.
It has been a while since I last posted something on the blog, the words havent really come to me for a few reasons I guess. One reason being that not very much is happening right now, there is no weird man to waste time on, my dreams are no longer haunted and my heart has stopped aching a long time ago. So everything is calm and I guess in some peoples opinion - boring. But I dont mind, I quite enjoy just being. Not fretting or worrying, and feeling stressed for different reasons.
I have however come to realise that I have been naive and rather stupid actually. I used to think - well I still think to be honest - that some people are a bit too open and share a bit too much of their lives on social networking sites such as Facebook or Twitter. You get fed intimate details of their love life and family members, to the extent that I end up feeling like I have been eavesdropping on a very private conversation. Then I realised that I had done exactly the same, only I did it here, on my blog. I was emotionally slutty, and I shared to much. I thought that if I opened my heart completely, poured out the entire content of it and shared my innermost thoughts and feelings, people would treat it and me with respect and maybe love me a little bit more. Unfortunately but obviously, that was not the case.
I have, for as long as I can remember, said "the more someone knows about you, the easier it is for him to hurt you" and with that I have not let people in and get to know the real me. I have showed a facade of a very strong and fiercly independent woman who didnt need anyone in her life. So why have I been so open with my feelings here? I dont actually know..is the honest truth. I wanted people to understand me, and know what I was all about. Now I dont really care anymore, it doesnt matter if people understand me or not. I am more open to my friends and the people that I love and at the end of the day, that is what matters, they are the people that matters. I think there can be a downside to everything, and obviously with me being so open, things have happened that I really dont like, so I have decided not to share too many boring details of my life anymore.
I havent decided exactly what to use this space for, I might show some photographs instead or I will share and practise creative writing. But my heart is now closed for public viewing.
There is buildingwork going on in my house! It is so loud I cant hear myself think, I turned the volume on the tv up to max and I still couldnt hear it. My head is pounding and the world is spinning (nothing new to tell Im afraid) and I think I might be coming down with a chestinfection. There is one place where I can find some peace, is in the laundryroom in the basement. What a joyous life I lead! I really hope that the results of the bloodtests I took last week are back today.
Im still sick, feeling worse than yesterday, running a temperature and have been on the verge of fainting a couple of times just by walking to the bathroom. So most of the day has been spent on the sofa, watching tv, reading a trashy magazine and sleeping. I am a bit worried about working next week, and I feel guilty to let my colleagues down and make their workingdays so much harder. I guess I am a bit "damaged" from working in numerous companies in the U.K where we - the emplyees - were made to feel incredibly guilty for being sick and more or less bullied into coming back to work earlier than we really wanted to.
I remember the knot in my stomach when I had to call in and say that I just wouldnt be able to make it in because I was running a temperature, or I had the flu or I had a stomachbug. And get the icecold reply "FINE! Well YOU know how hard it is to work without one staffmember..." And then it was just to sit and wait for the call that would come three days later: "When are you coming back? There are other people who are off sick now, so we really need you!" Obviously it is flattering that a manager thinks so highly of me that the whole business is falling apart without me...but when you are ill, you just need to be left to rest and get better.
Anyway, I didnt need to have worried, because here, I have the best colleagues in the world! They just told me to get better, call them on Monday and let them know if I was coming or not, and just spend the weekend resting. They also told me they feel very sorry for me. Isnt that lovely? Just what you want to hear. I will have an early night tonight and hopefully get some more sleep than I did last night, and with a bit of luck and plenty of rest and fluid I will be fit as a fiddle by Monday. I hope you all have a good start of the weekend.
Listen to this, I am trying to squeeze out the last drops of summer with this song. Even though I am looking forward to the darker evenings, the cool crisp mornings and the countdown to christmas.
But this song keeps the summer here for just a few more hours.
As I came back from Greece last week I was feeling dizzy and not very well at all. I figured it was due to being on a boat for six hours and then flying for three hours the same day and getting home after midnight so not getting much sleep. But on Thursday I was still dizzy, it felt like I was walking on cushions and the world was spinning upwards in various speeds depending on if I was standing up, walking, or sitting down. I decided to leave it til Monday, and if it still hadnt stopped then, I would call my GP. On Saturday I was in town with my mum, I felt dizzy, but thought "Hey, whats new..." but as I was walking around the shoppingcentre I could feel my legs give way and the next thing I knew I was on the floor with my head in my mums lap. So she drove me to the A&E, even though I would rather have gone home and got into bed for a few hours, but my mum being a nurse, she wouldnt listen to that suggestion... I was put in a room of my own, they checked my pulse and heart rate then I was left on my own.
After an hour the doctor came in to see me, she shook my head backwards and forwards, side to side and concluded that I do not have "the crystal condition". The "crystal condition" is (if I have understood it correctly) when the crystals in your ears are disturbed, so instead of just floating nicely in your ear canal as they should do, they bounce against the walls in the ears, which makes you feel dizzy and sick. I then had to wait for another three hours to see the earspecialist who also decided that I do not have "the crystal condition". After another hour I was told that the doctors didnt think my condition was such an emergency that I needed to stay over night, so I could go home and wait for a referal to the neurologist. After six hours in the hospital I was happy to go home and have some of my mums meatballs for dinner before crashing into bed.
On Sunday Sofie came over for lunch and a catch-up. It was great to see her, we dont get to meet as often as I would like to, so it is always good with some girlietime with her.
I went to work as usual on Monday, but I really didnt feel well, so I called in sick on Tuesday and made an appointment with my GP. She couldnt find anything wrong with my brain activity, which I guess is good... Yesterday I woke up with a blocked nose, sore throat and a temperature. So was the dizzyness a "pre. flu attack"? I am still dizzy and feel rotten but I can now relate it to the fact that I have a stinking cold and possibly the flu.
So, since I am in no fit state to sort things out that I really want to sort out, (tidying up the basement after flood or shopping for lamps for example) I have spent some time on YouTube, looking for funny clips to cheer myself up with. And I remember this lady, who I was introduced to a couple of months ago, and instantly fell in love with. Watch the clip and then tell me she is not hysterical.
My teeth hurts just looking at this clip, and powdered sugar? What is that? I have never heard of it before. There are more where that clip came from... I love this one aswell.
Just one (or two) more cooking question... powdered milk?? "Because we all know that children need milk"? Is powdered milk as good as fresh milk? I dont know why, but I always thought that fresh food is better than non fresh food... And another thing that I wonder...how come she is not the size of a house if she eats what she cooks? If I ate those peanutbutterballs as a "snack" when I came home from work everyday, I wouldnt be able to get through the door soon. Then there is the clip of Paula eating a Lasagna sandwich. But I will let you find that for yourselves on YouTube..
Another thing I just love about Paula is her southern draaaaawl when she speaks. I love the southern American accent, and how they make one word out of two (or maybe even three?) HiY'all!! I think I will start speaking like that too... It sounds so lovely when she says "Girlfriend" or "baby". I am not convinced I would get away with talking like that though...Especially not if I translated "babydoll" to Swedish. But maybe I should give it a try, just to see if someone notices?
Oh ok, I will give you the clip of the Lasagna sandwich..since I am sick, I quite fancy one of these badbois.. I always fancy something extra fatty when I'm not well. But I am too tired to cook lasagna at the moment, so I will have to make do with toast and watching Paula on my laptop. Unless someone wants to cook for me?
Well I will have a nap in the sofa now. Have a great day Y'all!
On the Monday morning, Frida woke me by shining her phone in my face and whispering "It is time for you to get up now"..So I did..it wasnt too difficult since we were continuing our adventure. Yet again we got on the bus and drove through a still dark Athens to the harbour where we got on the boat and settled in the firstclass area where most of us fell asleep. There wasnt much to do so we just hung out in the seating area and out on deck. After six hours we finally arrived at Naxos.
The hotel we stayed in was lovely. The owners truly know what hospitality means. There was nothing that was too much for them, or they couldnt sort out for us. I recommend it to anyone who wants to stay in a friendly authentic Greek hotel. Check out their website: www.prokopis.com.
Lina unfortunately had to go back to Sweden, so me and Frida shared a room for the week. I was a bit worried that she would ask to change rooms, since I occasionally "growl" in my sleep. Its not quite a snore, but neither is it just humming.. But I think I was very quiet for ten days, or Frida slept so deeply that she didnt hear me? The days at Agios Prokopios (the name of the hotel and the beach) was spent relaxing in the sand, cooling off in the sea, eating lunch and sleeping in a sunlounger. The evenings was just as lovely, rinsing the salt and sand off in the shower, putting on a skirt and a vest, some lipgloss and head out for dinner or just a picnic by the pool. The first two days we gathered to get to know one and other a bit more, sharing wine, bread, cheese, nuts and sweets. It was a little bit of magic sitting there, getting to know new people, listening to their lifestories (one of my favourite things) and enjoying just being. Alive. Because I did.
Sandra and Andreas got engaged in Athens.
On the Wednesday night most of us caught the bus to Chora, the main town of Naxos. We watched the sunset from a cliff with a monument. I cant remember the exact history, but I can recall someone saying that it was built a thousand years before Acropolis, and the same person saying "Five thousand years of history, you cant expect us to remember all of it". We then wandered through the town, snapping photos like Japanese tourists, whilst deciding where we should eat.
We settled for a small restaurant called MezeMeze, where we ordered lots of small dishes which we shared between us, tasting little bits of lots of different foods. I tasted a delicious chicken cooked in curry and lemon. The pieces were so tender and litterally fell apart in my mouth. Yum!
The next day we rented quadbikes and drove around the island. It was the coolest thing I have ever done I think. Which might just prove what a nerd I am? I have never driven even a moped, so taking charge of a quadbike was so exciting. We drove in a long caravan, G's cousin calling us the "Naxos army"
It was hot, dusty and sweaty, so after lunch we stopped by a small beach for a cooling dip in the sea, a cigarette and a cold drink. Again it hit me how alive I felt and how much I was enjoying myself. We carried on up and down the mountains, cerpentineroads made it difficult to drive fast, so we could really enjoy the scenery. Although I kept my eyes firmly on the road most of the time. We arrived back at the hotel by ten o'clock, I showered the dust and sand off me and crashed into bed. The next day it was back to the beach, the sand and the sunloungers and topping up my tan. I actually tanned this holiday, normally I burn myself and look like a lobster before going back to being white. But this week I have got a healthy, glowing light brown colour to my skin. I believe spending time doing nothing is something we all need from time to time. Some people need it more than others, but spending a few days just relaxing, reading, listening to music or watching dvds is like chicken soup for the soul. The best way to recharge your batteries. I always take a few books with me to read whilst on holiday, this time I only read half of one of them. I guess because I was busy talking to my friends, I didnt have much time to really get into a book. One night when I was just watching the world go by after having dinner with the great people that was on this trip with me, I tried to decide what has been the best part of the journey. But I couldnt pick one thing that was better than all the rest. But one thing that feels extra special, is that I had the oportunity to spend quality time with good friends. Getting to know them more and on a different level, without the stress of work, bills and everyday life. It felt like we were twentyone again without a care in the world. I also feel very lucky to have made new friendships, I truly hope that we will stay in touch and get to know each other more.
Friends
The night before we were due to travel back we all gathered on a beach under a tree to have a last meal together. It was a beautiful evening watching the sun go down, eating more lovely greek food with lovely friends.
MARRIED
I feel maybe it is time for me to stop saying "lovely, fantastic, amazing friends" I guess it might be getting on peoples nerves. But it is true, I have amazing lovely people in my life. I do feel fortunate that they want to be my friends. But ok, enough now. I am home again, C and G arrived this afternoon, my tan is fading rapidly, but the fire is still burning in my belly. Where do I go from here? And for how long?
On Friday the third of September, there was a group of tired and fairly pale people gathering at the airport Kastrup in Copenhagen, Denmark. We were excited about the next ten days which we would spend in Greece. In Athens and Naxos, celebrating the wedding of C and G. The first day, arriving in Athens we were greeted with scorching heat and a waiting bus which took us to our hotel, Marriott Ledra. We had some lunch on the roof and then went for a nap. The rest of the afternoon were spent relaxing by the pool and catching up with old friends.
We had dinner and met with some of G's family, on the roof of the Hotel, looking out over Athens with Acropolis in focus. I felt something come over me, starting at the top of my neck and moving down my shoulders and into my tummy. I was starting to relax and unwind.
The next day I went on a sightseeing tour with Jeanette, Jimmy and their two boys Neo and Adrian. We travelled with a sightseeing bus and saw many of the old Greek buildings, Acropolis obviously being the main attraction
After a quick shower and some curling of my own and Jeanettes hair we were picked up by the bus and driven to a small village by the sea. C and G said their "I do's" and promised to love each other forever and ever as the sun set over the small chapel on a cliff. Even though I didnt understand what the orthodox priest said, it was very moving and emotional, there is something very special about being part of a wedding, especially when it is a dear friend like C who is getting married.
The dinner and party was held in a small cosy tavern, it felt very authentic and I cant imagine C and G and G's family arranging a wedding in anything that wasnt traditional Greek. So we ate dinner under the stars and drank a lot of wine. It is not custom in Greece for the guests to make speaches, like in Sweden so we were able to start the dancing shortly after dinner. The maid of honor Sandra and the sister of the bride did say some beautiful words to C and G and since I was already in a bit of an emotional state I had to fight hard and think of some seriously funny things to stop me from crying like a crazy woman. I love personal speaches, no one have ever held a speech for me - which can be because I am not married - but I hope that one day there will be close friends saying nice words about and to me at a party where we celebrate love.
Sandra toasting the bride and groom
The rest of the nght was spent dancing
And dancing
A lot of dancing
Then we danced some more
Very late at night, after we had eaten cake and after we had finished the wine, the bus came and picked us up and drove us back to the hotel where me and my roomies Frida and Lina crashed in bed, talking and giggling like we did at sleepover parties when we were still in school. The next day, Sunday, I went to the salon in the hotel to get my eyelashes dyed. Turns out it was easier said than done...the ladies didnt speak very good english so when I said I wanted colour on my eyelashes they brought out the mascara. It took a lot of bodylanguage, handgestures and nodding of heads, but in the end we had established that I wanted "blue/black" eyelashes. I was very happy with the result, but then I was offered to dye my eyebrows aswell. I was prepared for this and had established with myself that this was NOT going to happen. Since my hair is blond and my skin extremely pale I always end up looking rather odd with dark eyebrows. Even when they are supposed to use a "lightbrown" colour... So I was a bit surprised to hear myself saying "OK" to having them coloured... I had a niggling feeling in my belly that it wouldnt end well, and I was right...the "lightbrown" was infact bordering on black.. But the ladies in the salon opened their eyes wide, "ooohhed" a lot and said I looked PERFECT!! "Just like Greek!" I tried to put it gently to them that I am not Greek...and I havent got the skin tone of a greek lady. I was then offered to spraytan my face to make it more even... I just thanked them for their help and ran up to my room. The rest of the day was spent by the pool on the roof or in my case, in the room reading a fantastic book I borrowed from Lina. I had a terrible stomachache and realised a day spent in my own company was just what I needed at that point. When my roomies returned after their day in the sun they persuaded me to come in to town for dinner, which was great. We got a cab from the hotel which dropped us off in the Plaka district, wandered around, looked in the shops and bought some souvenirs before heading off to find a nice restaurant. We were stopped by a gentleman who introduced himself as Langos, and he showed us the menu from his restaurant. He was very persuasive and wouldnt take no for an answer, so we ate souvlaki, greek salad, bread, lamb and drank red wine and ouzo.
It was a great evening, taking in Athens by night. It is a beautiful city, although the fumes and toxins from the cars are sometimes overpowering, and I would like to return maybe in November or the early spring. Sitting in a taxi back to the hotel, driving through the streets in the warm night listening to the radio playing "Only you" by the Platters, I had a sense of being truly alive. I wanted to put my head through the sunroof (although this cab didnt have one...) and drag the dirty air deep into my lungs and awaken the beast, the travelbeast which have been asleep for too long now...
Back at the hotel we bumped in to a very happy Andreas, who had been for dinner with Sandra and their closest friends. He was wearing a ring on his fourth finger matching the one on Sandras hand. In a very romantic place he asked her to be his wife and be with him forever. And she said yes! So now we had one wedding and one engagement to celebrate. We carried on up to our rooms to pack and get some sleep before a very early start on Monday morning.
Sunday nights at 7pm a show called "Tough Love" is showed here on TV3. It is hosted by Steve Ward who aparently runs one of the most successful datingagencies in America with his mother. The programme is a dating bootcamp and shows eight girls who has had some problems in the dating department and now really wants to meet the love of their life and settle down. Steve gives them advice on how to behave and challenges to complete when on dates with handsome eligable single men. One advice he gives to all girls, all over the world is: DONT BE WEIRD! Well I have to say that goes for men aswell... Dont be weird! I will now share my own dating experience ,from the past three months, with you. This is actually true happenings but I am writing this piece with humour and can now laugh at it all, it is not meant to be misinterpreted as me concentrating on the negative side of everything.
So lets start with CC, I know I didnt write very much about him, because there was just not much time to. We met up a few times and at first I thought "This is a really great guy, he will get on with my friends and we will have a good time" then it took less than three days for me to change my mind. I got a very strong vibe of controlling needs from him when he "adviced" me not to go to a particular place for drinks in our town. He told me that he wouldnt forbid me to go there, but if I still went there I would have to face the consequences afterwards. Because everything we do in our lives have consequences. I didnt agree with that. He asked me if I had ever been beaten by any of my exboyfriends? I think that is weird thing to ask someone. Or isnt it? Some time ago, he stood in the vestibule of my building buzzing my entry phone at two am. Asking why I havent answered his phonecalls? Personally I think that is the behaviour of a drunk twenty year old on a Saturday night, not a thirtyfive year old man on a Thursday. Or maybe I am wrong on that part aswell?
Then we have EC, who I met at the little square in my town on a Friday night at the beginning of summer. He is probably the most gorgeous man I have ever seen (not counting David Boreanaz) and I realised I was giggling everytime our eyes met across the crowd of people who was also out celebrating the weekend and the sunshine. EC came up and asked for a light (which I didnt have) and then we spent the rest of the evening together walking around the city talking, smiling, holding hands and talking some more. EC told me he is Greek, living in Paris, working as a photographer. Unfortunately that was his last night and he flew back to Paris the following morning. During the summer we have kept in touch via msn and facebook and we talked about him coming to visit one weekend and me going to Paris in November. So imagine my surprise and somewhat utter horror when he one night tells me: "I am wearing a red thong, just for you" "I am your little girl, I want you to f**k me hard" What I am curious to know is if I send out signals that I would enjoy a man in womens underwear in my bed?? And that I like little girls???? If so I need to do something radical straight away. How could I have misjudged him so badly? Needles to say we are no longer on speaking terms, I am not going to Paris in November and I will bolt my door if he comes anywhere near this city again...
And the last one, Mo, whom I met back in December, we swapped numbers and I did want to go for dinner with him, but he was so intense I had to cancel. With intense I mean that he said. "What are you doing now?" "Uhm..nothing, just watching tv." "Right Ill be over in 30 mins and you are coming to mine for thai-food" I do realise that a lot of women (and men) are looking for that kind of spontainety, and I dont mind someone being spontaineous, when you know each other a bit more. But for the first date, I want a bit more notice to get ready and psyche myself up for it. So we didnt meet up that time. However, last week he popped up on my msn and asked how I was bla bla, then asked if I was still intrested in going to dinner with him? And I felt that might be just what I needed? So we decided that we would meet on thursday. On wedensday night I get a txt asking if I know how to get to his house? Well, no, I dont know where he lives. So he gave me his address and asked me to rent a dvd on my way. I said I didnt feel comfortable coming to his house on our first date and why would we watch a dvd? Wouldnt it be better if we talked and got to know each other?
HE THEN WROTE WITH CAPITAL LETTERS THAT THE PREVIOUS DAY I HAD TOLD HIM IT WOULD BE NICE. AND HE WAS DISAPPOINTED IN ME SINCE I HADNT CONTACTED HIM, AND WE WOULD NEVER HAVE GOT THIS DATE TOGETHER HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR HIM.
So I asked him if he was annoyed with me, since he seemed a bit irate...And I felt that he was very intense, whereas I like to take the day as it comes, not planning too much. STILL WRITING IN CAPITAL LETTERS, MAKING ME FEEL LIKE WAS SHOUTING, HE TOLD ME THAT HE IS ALWAYS INTENSE, WHEREAS I OBVIOUSLY DONT KNOW WHAT I WANT!! SO GOOD LUCK TO ME EVER FINDING A MAN.
We didnt meet up on Thursday night, but I probably didnt need to tell you that... I can not stress enough, to both men and women: DONT BE WEIRD
So that is my dating disasters for this summer, hope it made you laugh a little bit at least. But I am thinking more and more about matchmaking, and I feel that my friends and family should find my perfect man. They know me the best, which brings me to something else that Steve Ward says: Most people dont see themselves like other people see them I realise I am obviously doing something wrong, so I would like to put my dating and lovelife in my wonderful frineds hands. I trust You with my life and know You wouldnt pick someone who is unsuitable or weird.
So let me finish with a great song that is so true. All you need is love!
First day back at school yesterday, even though the children arent back yet there was an exciting tension in the air just like when I was in school myself. It was really nice to see all my colleagues again and the day of meetings went past quickly and I walked home with a happy spring in my steps. Getting in the lift (which had been fixed) cute boy got in aswell. Did I invite him in for coffee? No I chickened out. Instead we talked about the dirty water that is flooding our basement, and we both wondered if it is just mud, or could it be drainwater? About half an hour later I was on my way out again, and who was in the lift?? CUTE BOY! He gave me a crooked smile and said "We seem to be bumping into each other a lot" so I just said it! "Do you want to come up for coffee and a catch up sometime" and he said "YES" then we were at my stop and we just said, "Well ok then, bye" So...we said we would meet up...just not when.....I guess time will tell..
Today it rained again, we had a trainingday at a nice restaurant/conference place. They served us nice breakfast, lunch and cakes for the afternoon coffee. Trainingdays are what trainingdays are...but all in all it was a good day. I had a splitting headache when I came home so I slept on my couch for a couple of hours and now feel better, even though I am still very tired, so I think I will have a very early night instead of sitting up watching So You Think You Can Dance which I normally do on a Tuesday evening.
Boring blogpost today Im afraid. But such is life, you dont always get what you want. But I will play a song I heard today that I really like. It is just a fun song that makes me feel good and I dont want to be tamed and turned into something I am not. Sometimes I do things just because I want to do it and I shouldnt always have to justify everyhing I do. If I decide to wear Winnie-the-pooh knickers tomorrow, I will and I wont answer a stupid question such as "Why?" My old drivingschool teacher once told me that Why? is a bad question and will only get the answer "Because!" Anyway, here is the song. Be a rebel and enjoy it.
Even though I am trying to stay positive and see something good in everything that comes my way at the moment, it has been difficult today. Well I shouldnt say that the whole day has been awful, just the last three hours.
We have had "every-other-day-rain" here. Started Thursday afternoon, and it wasnt just rain, it was like the sky had opened, carrying on for at least twelve hours. Friday was a beautiful day and yesterday came more rain, just like Thursday, like someone had poured a bucket of water over the world. A very large bucket of water. As I was sitting in my new sofa, watching tv I realised there was some sort of commotion in the stairs, actually the fire exit. I heard the alarm for the lift go off and someone was calling "Donde está?" I figured that there was a party somewhere and it was the drunk guests making the noice so I didnt think about it too much. This morning I was woken by the firedoor slamming several times which I found rather annoying, but then I realised that the lift was at a standstill, not working at all.
I have spent the whole day on the sofa, watching "Paris Hilton, My new BFF", wondering when Paris Hilton will see herself too old to talk about BFF's, TTYN and TTYL. Even though I didnt enjoy the program and was getting more and more annoyed by the shallowness of the contestants I couldnt switch over to another channel. I remember doing the same thing last year, only difference being that I watched "From Geezer to Gentleman" or something like that. Paris finished just in time for me to start my laundry.
Since the lift was out of order I had to walk up to the attic, walk over to the next entrance and get the lift down that way, and coming down to the basement was a bit like entering the Titanic. I almost plunged into the water, covering my feet completely. Unfortunately it wasnt water from the washing machine with soappowder...but instead brown gunk. I just hope it was mud and not poo that was clinging to my skin... I decided to check the car, which was fine, the water hadnt got in to the garage. But where my storagecupboard is, the water was ten inches high. I couldnt even get to the gate, I lost my flipflop in the water. So I have decided that the insurancecompany will have to take care of it, hopefully I did put the plasticboxes at the bottom and not the cardboardboxes. I walked up to the shop to get some bits for dinner, and walking around the store, filling my basket up, mainly thinking that I look rough with slightly wet bottom hems of my trousers and a redflustered face. As I got to the checkout, put all my items on the band, the girl tells me its 100SEK and only then I realised that I have no money with me!! I didnt take my purse, so I was standing in the shop, people behind me, and I had no money at all!! I had to apologise and just leave, walking across the attic and then down to my flat. I was really not impressed with the afternoon and evening.
Tomorrow is the first day back at school after the summer holiday. I am both looking forward to it and not so much. I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that it will be messy and unorganised and so much to take in. But I will take one hour at a time I think. Starting with attending the meeting at 08.30am. Now it is time to bring all the laundry up. Ill do it all the while humming "You shook me all night long", wondering when I will be shaken all night long. Night people.
I was supposed to blog about the other route a few days ago...and not behave like I had chosen to sink and not fight anymore. That is certainly not the case. I have chosen, (and did chose some time ago actually) to spend a lot of time on and with myself. I am getting my flat in order, painting chairs which I am very proud of having done by myself. The table is next, but I will do that when I get home from Greece.
I realised that for almost my whole life, I have done everything to please other people, I never really thought about what I wanted for myself, just as long as no one else minded. I have stayed in on saturday nights just to keep my friends with children company. I didnt travel around the world on a cruiseship because someone said I would never cope with the hours. And I didnt follow my heart to go with that wonderful, sexy, funny man, because someone thought he wasnt handsome enough. I am not looking for sympathy, I take full responsibility for my own actions and choices I have made. But I have now decided that I will listen to my heart, and to what I really want to do.
And I will do what I feel is best for myself before I think about what others might think about me. If someone really think I am bad or boring or whatever, then that is about them, not me. And I have come to realise, that the people who have come into my life, who I have the fortune to call my friends, are exactly that. My friends. They have earned that. Not that I have put them through a test Paris Hilton style, and they have showed me what real friendship is. That true friends dont enjoy watching you get humiliated, neither are they part of the humiliation.
So the route I am now taking is to suround myself with great people, and I dont need to join a potteryclass to find new friends. They are already in my life, and I love them with all of my heart. I was watching the Tyra Banks show a couple of days ago, and one of the guests was a lady who practised "numerology". I didnt catch the whole conversation, but she said that you should add all the numbers in your date of birth and break it down until you only had a one digit left. So my date of birth is 1+9+7+6+1+1+9= 3+4 = 7 which means that I am a 7. Which means that I am a mystery. I think a lot of the meaning of life, of why I am here and who I really am. At the moment that is very accurate, at least the "Who am I?" part. I am reading a lot of everything, books, magazines and articles, to help me get to know myself again. And I am loving it. I know that some people might find it a bit exhausting to listen to my ever talking about "me-time" and how I am spending time in my flat just decorating for my own wants and needs. But it will pass, it is just intense at the moment, I will calm down soon.
So I will talk about something quite funny. I have now lived in my flat for aprox eight weeks, the first week I met a man in the lift who I recignised as the father of one of my childhood friends I used to play with when I was in school. I wasnt sure that he recognised me, so I just said hello. A week or so later, I met his wife and she recognised me and hugged me and said she had heard from my mum that I had moved back to the street. She was very friendly and I asked about my friend, her daughter, M, who is a doctor. On wednesday this week I came from the garage and was heading for the lift, as I opened the door a man was already in the lift and he asked if I was going up? As I got in he asked if my name was Maria, and when I looked at him I saw that it was the brother of my friend. He used to play "V" with me and M and some other kids during the summer holidays. I havent seen him since we left school some twenty years or so ago, and he has done a good job growing up, the cute thing! Today I met him and his mum again in the lift, he was helping her with the laundrybasket (how sweet?) and she asked me where I am working at the moment, so I told her that I work at the school. She said that she had asked L, but he didnt know. I found that funny, because me and L only talked for a minute or so, no time to discuss work and life in general, but I also got the feeling she wants her son to ask me out. I will invite him up for coffee or something stronger when I meet him next time, but not when he is in the company of his mother. So, we shal see, maybe I have met my next loveinterest? I will take it cool though, I can not have another situation like the one with CC. But that is another story that I will tell you another day.
I will leave you with a song, that Im afraid will prove that I am getting old, because I think these ladies rock!! Enjoy it, and goodnight.
Am I standing at a crossroad? Or am I stumbling in the dark? Is it just a desperation to find something to hold on to? To make my own and help me find that inner peace?
I feel I can go two ways. Either I will sink, and decide to spend the rest of my life on my own, because I got the final proof that I can not trust a man. Because I will end up hurt and humiliated everytime. I know that in this day and age it is not allowed to have bad thoughts about yourself and it is definately frowned upon if you say that you are not happy about the way you look. If you are not happy with something, then you change it, like Nike says: "Just do it" And it sounds so easy to "just change the way you go" and take another route and then BANG, there is your happiness... But I have come to realise that there actually comes a point, when something inside says no, enough now, I dont want to play these games anymore.
I did say that I would write about the brothers another time, and I think now is the time. I met Dan and his friend Marius in a nightclub back in 1999. Marius was dark and dangerouslooking and Dan was fair and seemed very shy. Marius was always the one talking and joking and Dan would just look and smile and one day he told me I was pretty. We never exchanged numbers, it was just at the time when not everyone had mobilephones, and all phones didnt have the ability to send or recieve texts... So we only bumped into each other once a month or so but I was always happy when I saw Dans blond hair and cute smile. After a while he started asking me "What would you say if I asked you out to dinner one night?" my answer was always the same "You wont know until you ask will you?" and I would smile my best smile. He would then nod and look serious and usually turn away and say something to Marius. Then came christmas 2001 and me and Betty was having our annual christmasparty. Just her and me out on the town celebrating christmas. It was heaving with people and in the crowd was - obviously - Dan and Marius. Marius said something to Dan and pushed him towards me, Dan didnt say anything, just grabbed me and kissed me.
He then introduced me to his little brother who was out with them aswell - Tom - I first thought that Tom was slightly...how shal I put it... "special" or "slow", he just looked odd, and I thought "What a lovely man Dan is, he takes his retarded brother out for a christmas drink" After that Betty dragged me away and I didnt see Dan for the rest of the night, so no more christmas snogging. In January was my birthday and me and Betty went out to celebrate and once again we bumped into Dan, Marius and Tom, whom I realised wasnt retarded, he was just very drunk before christmas. Since I had a huge birthdaybadge pinned to my chest Dan asked if he could give me a birthday kiss, which I allowed him to do and this time Betty didnt drag me away. Dan was a really good kisser and I felt like I was floating on a little pink cloud. A little later I needed to go the ladies room and asked Dan to wait for me, this was a little trick I had started, to see if the guy I had pulled would stay or leave, a first test to see what sort of guy he was. When I came back, he wasnt there, but instead in the middle of the dancefloor kissing another girl. I wasnt upset, but not impressed either so I just stayed out of his way for the rest of the evening. It then came to the summer of 2002 before I bumped into any of them again, this time it was Marius and Tom that was out, no Dan. I started talking to Tom and he was quite funny, we swapped numbers and then he kissed me. Also very nice and nothing like his brother. I can hear everyone thinking "You cheap tart" but at the end of the day, I was single and loved it. So I decided to play the toilet card again and asked Tom to wait for me. And he did, so he "passed" the test and I was happy, kissing a gorgeous (and on second look, not retardlooking) man. I started seeing Tom, he was fun and charming and very good in bed. One morning he told me he was going to the airport to pick up his brother (Dan) and his fiance. Yes fiance..I was a little bit surprised to hear that Dan was engaged, since only six months or so earlier he had kissed me (and another girl) but I thought it was his problem, not mine. One night during Folk Week that summer I was out with Betty and her sister and some other girls and I knew that Tom would be out with Dan and Marius. Broadstairs is a small town so I knew I would bump into them sooner or later, and ofcourse we did. Tom came up and gave me a big hug and kissed me and when I turned to say hello to Dan he gave me a look that could have killed.. I was to say the least surprised at this anger coming from him, but thought maybe he was very drunk? Betty and her sister went home and so did Dan and Marius, leaving me and Tom to wander around Broadstairs, hand in hand and when he kissed me goodnight I had started falling in love with him.
The weekend after that, Tom went up to Hull, where he and Dan are from, to go to a festival with some friends and me and Betty went out as per usual for a girls night. And bumped into Dan and Marius. Dan grabbed me by the arm and gave me another one of the "Im going to kill you" looks and shouted: "My brother? You and my brother?? HOW COULD YOU??" It took me a while to find my speach, I was in such a chock. Then I shouted back at him "What the hell is it to you, you are ENGAGED!!" Now it was Dans turn to look chocked, and he said that he wasnt engaged, and where had I heard that? He even nudged Marius and asked him if he was engaged. Marius looked me straight in the eye and said "He is not engaged" To say that I was confused is an understatement and I dragged Dan outside so we could talk.
I told him what his brother had said, and Dan looked at me, with, what looked to me like pain in his eyes and said: "He had a bet on you, him and Marius had a bet on who could get you into bed first" It was in the middle of August and the nights were still hot, but I remember that I went cold, I was shivering and couldnt breathe properly. Dan went on telling me that he had loved me since the day he first met me, and had never been able to forget about me. So I asked him why he never did anything? Why didnt he fight for me? He couldnt tell me... He talked about what love really is, and that his brother doesnt know what love is, he doesnt care about girls, all he wanted was to get laid.
I went home that night and stayed awake for nearly four days. I had read about people who couldnt sleep, who suffered from insomnia and was constantly awake. I never really believed it, because I had never had a problem falling asleep or staying asleep. But not now, my eyes just wouldnt close, I didnt cry, I just sat in the sofa, staring. How could anyone be so cruel? After two days I called Tom and screamed like a banshee, "A bet? I was a fucking bet to you? Is that all I was? You fucking arsehole!!! Dont you dare come near me ever again!!!" He tried to say something, but I wouldnt listen and he didnt call back, he didnt fight for me, so I took that as what his brother had told me was true. I tried to get hold of Dan, but he wouldnt pick up his phone or on the odd occasion he would quickly finish our conversation and then be "unavailable" for a few days. Then on a crisp sunny day at the end of October I bumped into Marius on my lunchbreak. He was his usual, smiley self and came up to give me a hug. I put my hand on his chest and stopped him, I didnt want him near me after finding out that he was in on some stupid bet on me. When he asked me what was wrong I had to bite my tongue not to explode, but I told him what Dan had told me. Marius looked at me and said that there was never a bet, Dan made that up and he was infact engaged and due to get married in a months time. All I could say was : "Why??" He couldnt answer that, but he did say that he was sorry that he hadnt said anything earlier. Again I felt numb and I just couldnt understand why he hed lied to me?
A year later I bumped into Tom and Dan on another night out, I sarcastically asked Dan how married life was treating him to which he laughed and said "I am not married Maria, I never was" I still dont know the truth about this story, I still dont know who was lying and who wasnt.
Earlier this week, speaking to Stevens friend, I got a sense of deja vu. Would Steven really plan to "seduce" me in a way that I would move back to England just so that he could dump me as soon as I had arrived? Would anyone actually be so cruel? Or is the friend lying? Or is this another way of weird entertainment? To see if they can hurt me this way aswell?
All of my friends tell me that I am beautiful and I can get any man I want. And they dont understand why I dont believe in myself, or why I am convinced that men only want to hurt me, for their own entertaining.
Well this is why. Because it has actually happened, it is not just something that I am imagining, making things up in my head about how the whole world is against me. I dont think that the whole world is against me. But yes, I do find it hard to trust people. I dont like to let anyone get too close to me or my heart.
So this is one option, I will sink, and carry on living in a bit of a blurr, without feeling anything, no pain, no disappointment, no anger. But without the sadness, there can be no laughter and no happiness either. So I have another road I can choose to travel for the rest of my life. And I will talk about that another time, it is too late now, and I am drained after dragging out a memory I have worked hard to keep at the very back of my mind.
Speaking to a friend of Steven this morning and I got a feeling of deja vu. The friend tells me that Steven had told him that he would "mess me about" when I left. Which is obviously charming. Steven always knew how to make someone feel special, in fact, he made it into a sort of mission. This time it didnt work though, I know that he tried, he sent me some very sweet messages telling me how much he missed me and wanted me to come back. I missed him and thought it was sweet, but something in the pit of my stomach told me that it wasnt for real, so I didnt invest any emotions in trying to work my thoughts and feelings out. I dont know what his plan really was or if his new girlfriend - who is expecting his baby - was in on it aswell, but I see no reason why I shouldnt tell one of the truths now?
When me and Steven broke up and I left for Sweden, we made a promise to each other, I promised that when I came to England for a visit I would always contact him and we would meet up for coffee or dinner if he had time. He promised not to ignore me. So when I was coming over for Bettys birthday party in the beginning of June I emailed him and told him when I would be arriving and would he be free to meet up? Within half an hour he replied that of course he wanted to meet up. And come to think about it, maybe we could have a "bonus night"? I gently reminded him of his girlfriend to which he replied that nothing much was happening between them and they might not be together by the time I arrived. I dont know why I didnt stop there, I should have done, because I knew exactly where we were heading. He asked if I remembered certain things from when we were together, and ofcourse I remembered. He talked about all that he misses and now looking back on that conversation I wanted him to continue, I wanted him to tell me that his new girlfriend is nothing compared to me. Just so that I could have it on paper. Incase there would ever come a day when I might need it... Like today. He didnt in so many words say that, but he did write things which would have devasted me, had I still been his girlfriend and he wrote to someone else. And in seeing it in black and white. I knew that he was never faithful to me in the way I think you should be when you say that you are devoted to another person. Maybe she already knows, maybe she was dictating to him? What do I know? And I dont need to know.
What I do wonder though.. Is the friend telling the truth? He has no reason to lie, it doesnt make sense if he is. But it wouldnt be the first time two guys have come together and in a cruel, warped way come up with a way of crushing my confidence into pieces. Just for their own entertainment. That can not happen now though, because I have walked away, I am no longer investing in Steven. And there isnt any bit of gossip I hear from that way that I actually care about.
The story about the two brothers from Hull will however have to wait to be told.
I am exhausted. Feel that I need a day off, or actually more than a day, I could do with at least a week. I have another six days to go before I have a day to myself. Things are definately getting on top of me and I feel run down, which - as it always does - results in me getting heavy nosebleeds at the most unconvinient times.
Had I known that my contract would extend after the summer at school, I wouldnt have put myself down for as many shifts at the carehome as I did. But I thought I would be without a job and panicked. It now turns out that I will only have three days off until I go back to work at the school in three weeks time. I would have liked to return rested and refreshed, but unfortunately that wont be the case. I just hope that I wont loose my rag with the children due to my own tiredness.
There is so much I want to do at home aswell, I have started a project of painting chairs and table which I am enjoying. I got a very satisfied feeling in my belly as I watched the first chair being sandpapered down, ready for the paint. Hopefully I will get some time to finish them soon.
Now it is time to go to work - again. Have a great day all. Maybe hang with Robyn for a while?
I have just got home after a two hour long walk with Micke. We were supposed to walk in the park, but decided on the beach instead. We had a lot to catch up on and as always he gave me some good advice and a good peptalk. I love spending time with Micke, he makes a walk to the shop feel like a huge adventure. So tonight watching the sun go down and the moon rise on the beach I have been exhiliratingly happy. Imagining mt life as a successful writer. And Micke has nudged me in the right direction again, to just WRITE.
I took some photos, unfortunately they are not as good as others I have taken with my phone, since it has some waterdamage. But I hope I have been able to do the sunset and the dusky sky some justice. My home town is rather beautiful.
Do you remember Samantha Fox? And Sabrina? Two bigbusted ladies with a one hit wonder each in the eighties. One more bizarre than the other. "Touch me" Vs "Boys" Well it now seems that someone has brought the two wonders together in a photoshoot for Vanity Fair magazine AND..they have also released a single together!
I found out today, reading Mickes blog! Micke writes a great blog mainly about music, but also celbrities and other important things, I am a huge fan and admirer. So I hope you will follow the link below and read about Sam and Sabrina and listen to their new song. Unfortunately there is only one photo, I think the shoot was hawt! (To quote Micke) Have a great evening all.
One of my closest, most favourite friends is not very well at the moment. She needs oxygen to help her with her breathing. I wont go into details, because as I said in a previous blogpost I wont use this space to hang out other people.
Tonight she has been here, we ate our favourite meal, chickensalad, and then chatted and laughed like we always do. We have known each other for eighteen years and I dont think I can remember what my life was like before I met her on my first day in college.
She is so brave and I admire her courage of just facing her fears head on. After dinner we decided to go for a drive, and all of a sudden she says "I need to go to the square, just to feel the atmosphere" So we park the car and she takes my hand for support and we walk. Through the square, amongst all the people who are out celebrating the weekend and the start or end of their holiday. And I see the world through different eyes, and to be honest, not the best eyes.
People look at us, some even stare. I dont know if it because my friend has a small plastic tube across her face, or if it is because we are two women holding hands, and it is frowned upon in these bars. I even see some people nudge their friends, nodding our way so their friends turn and look at us. It bothered me in a way, but on the other hand I didnt care at all, I just thought that people will actually stare at you almost with their mouths open, just because you dont "fit the norm" Or they were staring at us because it has been my laundryday, so I was wearing a weird vest and dirty jeans and neither of us had any makeup on..
But the more I think about it, the more I start to wonder about divides. If I compare the different square I was at last night, where there is a festival this weekend. Sofas had been dragged out to the streets, everyone was sitting on blankets or cushions, drinking wine, listening to good music and just relaxing. Or dancing, letting their bodies move freely to the beat of the music, looking like they didnt have a care in the world. It was just a strong feeling of happiness in the air, whereas tonight I felt a bit out of place and not really in the league to hang with the beautiful people. But it is ok, I dont care. Not tonight anyway.
Check out this live version of 30 seconds to Mars, with the gorgeous Jared Leto as front singer. He is so carismatic! And I love this song. Sorry that the sound quality isnt great, but I couldnt embed the original video unfortunately. Hope you enjoy it.
I am trying to find the words, but they dont make sense. It is just a big mess of different letters trying to form words and sentences. I am confused, and slightly angry. How can you just say something like that, and think that I will be happy? Why would you risk the friendship we have and just throw those words in my face?
There are so many moments you could share with someone, anyone, and feel like it could last forever, for a lifetime. But in reality it is only a night, only a moment.
"Dont regret anything you do, because in the end, it makes you who you are"
You have made me question how far I have actually come on my journey of being true to myself. If I make a promise to myself, I have to keep it, no matter what.
I have torn down some walls and been slightly brave, but still safe and comfortable.
Then there you are, knocking on doors, scraping on the walls I am not ready to open or tear down yet. Love is a big word, not a word I throw around easily. Dont tell me that you want to live with me, because it is ridiculous.
Dont tell me that you want to father my children, because it is not true.
Dont tell me that you love me, because I dont believe you.
If you really wanted to know me, then you would know....
I was inspecting myself in the bathroom mirror last night and felt that my eyebrows needed a bit of "oumpf"... I started tweezing, but after a minute or so I realised it wouldnt get me the result I was after. To be honest I am not sure what it is I am after exactly....but an idea popped in to my head. I remember an episode of the Tyra Banks show I watched some time ago where a girl wanted Miss Tyra to shave her eyebrows off. And Tyra did it, live in the studio. And the girl looks great! So I am now sitting here thinking: Should I just shave my eyebrows off? They are practically white anyway and not very noticable in the first place. All the girls on the catwalk in Paris does it apparently..or am I getting too old for being a fashionvictim?
So what do You think? To shave or not to shave? I would really apreciate your thoughts and comments on this.
The next question is: Anyone with a trimmer who is brave enough to come and shave me?
I arrived home on Wednesday, exhausted, sweaty and dirty after three days driving in the scorching sun. But so happy to be back in my beautiful flat. It was weird being in Ramsgate, I didnt feel as happy as I was on my previous visit a month ago. I guess because I wasnt as busy now as I was then, I had a lot of time on my hands where I could just look back and remember things I have worked hard to put at the back in my mind. Not to forget about, but still, not keep with my happy memories. Thanet is Steven to me, everywhere I go there are memories of us together. And it is still painful. I dont miss him, and I dont want us to get back together, I dont want to move back to England, but during those four days I realised that I am not fully healed from my heartbreak. I think we know by now that occasionally I am prone to some light mental selftorture, and so I did think about Steven a lot, still not in a way that I desperately wanted to see him, quite the opposite. I caught myself a few times looking over my shoulder, praying that I wouldnt bump into him. Or his mother. Since I do know him fairly well, I also know that in his mind he has "won". He has a new girlfriend and they are happy together, he moved on quicker than I did. But to be honest, it doesnt matter anymore. If it makes them feel better to think that, its fine, I dont mind. I am concentrating on myself, and I dont need a man to make me happy, a man would just be a nice bonus.
So now what? I have another five days off before I start work again for the holidays. On the 16th of August I go back to work in the school. I will be having some different responsibilities next term and I look forward to them with petrified excitement. I am venturing into an area where I promised myself I would NEVER go back to when I finally finished school. I will be a teaching assistant in a class of fifteen year olds. With some challenging behaviours. My colleagues will be three men. So a total change to what I do now, but as I said, I am looking forward to it. Although I am terrified at the same time.
I was accepted into one of the courses I applied for, not the writing courses unfortunately, but the teaching course. I havent decided if I shal go or not. It is a good course, and I will have a degree afterwards. But that fire I want in my belly isnt appearing...And without the fire, there is not much that can convince me that I should put in a lot of time, energy and money into something I might not want to do.. I can always apply next year again if I change my mind.
I have arrived, living in a beautiful flat, I am free to a lot of offers and options. I am home. Where I belong. Where my heart is.
I have to play this song for you. I LOVE it. A mix of my two favourite performing acts if you like. Enjoy!
I have made the descision to make this blog a bit more public than it was before.
I suppose I have - like so many other people in this world - a burning desire to be understood and a passion to make my point of view heard.
I promise to tell the truth as I see
it, if you dont like it I can only apologise and then you can choose not to continue reading it.
