Sunday

It's mothers day today, and I'm going over to my parents to cook dinner for them.
It's the first time I will be celebrating mothers day with my mum in 14 years or so, she is very excited bless her.

I need to calm down first though, I was stupid enough to read some of my old blog posts about me and Steven (oh I could write his name this time..) and I'm sat here with tears running down my face.
Not because I miss him, but because it still hurts to think about and remember how badly he hurt me, and it still hurts.

But I will get over it, I am over it!
I just need to remember not to think about him or those times at this time of the month.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow when I have a date with Mia and Sofie, me and Mia grew up together, me and Sofie went to secondary school together, and Mia and Sofie went to college together. We all came to England together to work as Au-pairs at the same time.
Me and Sofie are driving out to the middle of nowhere where Mia lives, they have both recently had their second child (not with each other) so I'm looking forward to having lots of baby snuggles.

Hope you have a great Sunday and the sun is shining on you.

Not so happy days

Ive been in a bad mood since Thursday night, when my phone cut out and I couldn't switch it back on since I had forgotten my pin code!!
Luckily the guy in the phone shop solved it yesterday without charging me, I excitedly turned the phone on hoping someone exciting (like hot security guy or cute lift man) had called me..I am aware of the fact that neither of them have my number...but if you wish for something hard enough, miracles happens. So yes I was somewhat disappointed to realise I only had 1 message.
From work.

So I went home, to do my laundry and have a much needed shower, only to discover that the shower curtain was not where it was when I last had a shower.
I knocked on my landladies door but got no reply so I slid a note under her door asking what had happened (need to make sure shower curtain has not been kidnapped)
An hour or so later the note came back under my door with a message from landlady saying that she washed it whilst cleaning.
I now wonder: Why is she cleaning my shower??
I went to bed with an annoying, niggly, "angry" feeling in my tummy, but still slept well and woke up just after 9am today.

The angry feeling in my tummy was gone and replaced with a more sad feeling, and I knew, Alice is on her way, great!
I had an appointment at 10.15am to have my photo taken for a Swedish I.D, since everywhere I go people get very confused when I try to identify myself with my English driving license.
It's like they think Ive made it myself with glue and stickers...
Or it one of those play licences you get in cereal boxes.

I then went to my parents to go through some things in the attic with my mum and have dinner cooked by my dad.
I stayed at my parents for a few hours, feeling angry and frustrated and I realised what I was actually missing.
A Donna or Betty fix!
I need some childish fun, that I haven't had for some time.
Don't get me wrong, I am having a great time being home, getting my life back in order, but I could do with a night in (or out) with my girls, giggle and just let our hair down and get drunk.

It has been a beautiful day and tonight is perfect for a BBQ with friends, music and wine.
Instead I'm at home, on a Saturday night, on my own, watching "Sex and the city" (Buffy felt a bit too depressing tonight. I felt I needed something lighter, meaningless, casual)

I have frantically been searching You-tube for a commercial showing in Sweden at the moment, its for crispbread and the fact that you should eat a proper breakfast everyday.
Its a woman getting dressed in the morning, but as she puts her tights on, a big ladder runs all the way along her leg, she freezes and looks at her tights, then rips them off, growls, screams and flinging these tights around over her head.
She falls into a heap on the floor and bites the tights, you then hear a faint cough and her son comes into her bedroom, with a breakfast tray, and the woman looks very sheepishly at her son.
The text then reads: Have a good breakfast everyday (or something like that).

That is exactly how Ive been feeling all day, I want to scream and growl and throw myself on the floor and roll around beating my fists on the floor until everything feels better.

But since I know it wont, I will settle for one of my mums cinnamon rolls instead.
So much more mature, although a lot unhealthier.
Anyway i ll work it off tomorrow (or maybe not)

A classic...

I was rudely awaken by the plumbers at 06:54 this morning, I found it rather annoying since I carefully explained yesterday, that they need to ring the doorbell belonging to the lady who owns the property (I also showed them which doorbell is hers..) I refused to get out of bed however and tried to go back to sleep, but it doesn't happen when there is a big burly plumber whistling and singing outside your door.

I suppose its not very common in Sweden to have a house turned into separate flats and it made me laugh when he asked me with terror in his voice if I was "being kept" in the basement as I came out to go to work.
I had to open the door again and show the poor bastard that it was actually a fully contained flat...

My training course went ahead today (finally) it was OK, same things I have had training days about 14 times in England, but I don't mind them too much and the woman who was talking to us was nice and quite funny.

On my way back I was caught in the rain however, I was wearing a white vest and a silver/grey cardigan (which today proved to also become see through when wet)
I looked like someone who got lost and against their will ended up in a "Miss wet t-shirt" competition.
I say against their will, because i wasn't jumping around laughing like a lunatic trying to get my nipples as erect as possible.

When I finally got through the door at home I was a shivering mess, my hair was hanging limp, makeup was smudged and wet clothes was clinging to me in a most uncomfortable way.
I was fantasizing about a lush warm shower and hair wash, but, no..
My landlady's 19 year old son, is in my shower room (my flat is THAT small, the shower had to be fitted in the hallway, outside my door) tidying up after the plumber.

He gave me one of those "looks" that only a 19 year old boy can give you, had I been 19 myself i would have thought "Oh my god he is SO cute!"
Now all I was thinking was "Oh my god I feel like Ive violated the poor boy" and I was fumbling with the keys so much that he offered to help me since "I looked cold and like I needed to get out of my wet clothes"
I am wondering: Shall i feel insulted or flattered?
Was he trying to help the lonely woman who rents the flat below him and his mum?
Or was he being fresh?

I will put it to the back of my mind and hopefully he will do the same, hopefully he wont be waiting for me when I go to have a shower in a little while.
I'm looking forward to my shower before bed time.

Night all, hope you didn't get caught in the rain.

Alcohol infused braveness

Ive had sort of a rough day.
I was supposed to have my medical training today, all day.
I got there on time and reported to reception, only to be told that the course had been cancelled!
And they didn't bother to tell me.
I'm starting to feel like I'm not meant to do this course...but I will make one last attempt tomorrow.

I went to have a coffee and cinnamon roll with my mum instead which was nice.
Once I got back home I was hassled by the front door by the plumbers who wants to come tomorrow morning at 7am and they didn't care when I tried to explain that I don't own the property so I'm not making the decision about the plumbing or any other constructively matters either.

I'm now relaxing in front of the TV, Ive poured myself a vodka in a large glass with lots of ice and orange juice.
Ive been talking to Mike in LA and it made me fancy a drink (not because he is hard work to deal with, I just fancy a drink)

I'm ploughing my way through Buffy and have got to the part where Willow and Tara is getting closer and their relationship is developing into something deeper and beautiful.
It reminds me of another time, when I watched these episodes the first time round.

Someone came into my life, we spent a lot of time together, because we had to, and we became close, closer than I had been with anyone in that way and who wasn't a man.
I was on the verge of obsessed with watching Willow and Tara take their first stumbling steps towards everlasting love.
Little did I know that same sex relationship doesn't automatically equal eternal happiness and bliss.

It was a place I had never been before, and I entered cautiously but excited.
She was female in a masculine way, or masculine in a feminine way and when we were together I would go to heights and lows no one had ever taken me to before.
I remember thinking that "If you thought men blows hot and cold, it is nothing what a woman can do"

There was an older woman I confided in, who was my mentor and someone I looked up in a professional way.
Lets call her Zelma and lets call my friend Lita.
Zelma advised me, encouraged me and in a way guided me in becoming a part of Lita's life, I knew that they were close friends too, but what I didn't realise was that I was just a pawn in their little game with each other.
I was used, and then discarded when the fun was over and I had been emotionally turned inside out.

When I realised that Zelma and Lita was actually in a committed relationship and Lita worshipped the ground Zelma walked on I was already in over my head and I asked Lita what I had done to deserve this?
"Sorry, I thought you realised it was just a bit of fun" was the answer I got.
When I tried to confront Zelma she wouldn't give me the time of day and told me I needed to grow a thicker skin if I wanted get along in life.

Well if that is how you have to behave "to get along in life" I rather not get along, I would never set anyone up to be hurt like that for my own amusement.
I have too much respect for other peoples feelings and I respect myself not to be evil like that.



Of course there was a song, there is always a song when someone has touched me (and I don't mean physical, you people with filthy minds..)
It is with good and bad that I have a song to every person who has hurt me.

And with the consuming of alcohol, comes the craving of a cigarette..
Damn it!

The strangeness of it all

I'm thinking of how strange people are, and how great but sometimes confusing it is to my poor brain.
Today I was told that one of our colleagues had a baby girl on Saturday morning.
I'm really happy for him, even though I have only met and worked with him a couple of times he seems very nice and likable and babies are always great.

So I asked if they have decided on a name yet?
Yes, she will be called Humla, and for you who don't speak Swedish, I will tell you that it means bumble bee.
Yes you read it correctly, BUMBLE BEE!

I remember a neighbour I had in Ramsgate who named their boy Keel, as in "the keel of the boat"
I feel this "trend" of weird names have got to stop soon, because some names are bordering on child abuse.
Whats next?
Pillow?
Tyre?

I wonder what it will be like for these children growing up and going for job interviews for example.
"Hello my name is Keel and I'm the CEO of Panasonic"
If I was to meet a new colleague and she introduced herself as bumble bee I would seriously think she would then say "Smile, your on candid camera"

If anyone wanders no I don't have any children of my own, but "Emma" and "Sara" and "Oliver" and "Rasmus" are top of my lists of names.

Something else I'm finding strange are people who are being mystical about their sexuality.
I know of someone who is talking a lot about her "boo" and that she misses her "boo" and she has been to "boos" house and had a great time etc etc...
She used to have a boyfriend (who wasn't very nice, so good riddance of him, I say) but I have now realised that "boo" is a girl.
At first I wasn't sure if she was just playing around and calling her best friend boo?
But today i saw on facebook, someone asked her "Who is boo????"
And she said "Its my other half aka ***(girls name)"

So now I really want to ask her if she is a lesbian now?
Or is she just being mystical and make people (like me) insanely curious??
It doesn't matter if she is gay or straight or just greedy (other people call it bi...) or if she is going through a "faze".
And if it is the case that she is gay now, but in a few years time changes her mind, that is fine too.
I just want to know!
As I have written before, I AM very curious about other peoples lives, so I feel that my curiosity is justified..

I just wish that people could tell me straight:
"Listen Mia, this is what is happening in my life right now, and when something changes, you will the first to know.

That way I know, and I don't have to ponder so much.

What strangeness have you experienced today?
This blog post?
It was a bit strange, wasn't it?
Hope you like it anyway.

A year of sadness

I'm not on top form today.
It is a year since a friend from school passed away in cervical cancer.
I hadn't seen or talked to her for 11 years or so, but Amina was one of those people that you would just pick up where you left the last time you met up.

I remember the day my mum called me and told me her death notice was in the paper, I was in my car, in between clients and I sat in my car for 30 Min's after we said goodbye and sobbed my heart out.
I thought I had pulled myself together but when I arrived to the little old lady with Alzheimer's I sat on her bed and cried some more and couldn't make myself get up and make her breakfast as I should have done.
The lady patted me on the shoulder and tried to comfort me, even though she probably didn't know who I was...

Even though me and Amina hadn't seen or spoken for a long time, I feel very sad today, I'm thinking of her family and close friends and hoping that they are coping today.

They have talked about her as a big inspiration and positive spirit, even when she knew she wouldn't survive.
A true hero.
Maybe its weird to say, since it was so long since I saw her, but I miss her.
And my heart is heavy when I think that she wont be at our reunion.
Her best friend, her "partner in crime" said that she would have loved it, and I would have loved for her to be there.

But I believe she is at a much better place now, but I also believe that she will be with us on the 13Th when the rest of us meet for a night out.
I don't think that we just disappear when we die, I believe we go to a better place, but that we still watch over our loved ones who are still here on earth.

I know that Aminas family and some of her friends have been down on the beach to drink, what I can only imagine was her favourite drink - Cava.
I didn't go down, but I think I will go down another time, maybe on my own or maybe with someone else, bring a bottle of Cava and toast to her, to her memory and to her life.
I don't think I will drink the whole bottle to myself, because I don't think I actually like it, or on the other hand I might surprise myself and love it.
Who knows?
Some one might see me stumble home one night this summer, tipsy on Cava?

I wonder what she would have thought about that?

The forgotten garden

Ive had a lovely hot shower, slathered myself in Doves body lotion and am ready to curl up in my bed with my amazing book.
It is one of those books you don't want to put down, because you just must find out what happens on the next page.
But at the same time, I don't want to read it too quickly, it is so good, I want to treasure it and make it last forever.
This is what is written on the back of the book:

It's 1913 and a dark, rainy night in Maryborough, Queensland, Australia, when a little four-year-old girl is found abandoned on the dock. The port master simply cannot believe that someone would walk away and leave such a tiny child, and he waits for hours for someone to claim her. No one does. Eventually he and his wife adopt the girl, name her Nell, and raise her as their own. When Nell becomes engaged to be married, her adopted father tells her the truth about that dark night, and she is changed forever. In 1975 Nell has the chance to try to find out her true identity and flies to England. Buying a cottage in Cornwall, she fully intends to return to Australia, tie up a few loose ends, and renew her search for her roots in Cornwall. Once back in Australia, life intervenes, and years later it is up to her granddaughter, Cassandra, to resume her grandmother's quest.

Goodnight all, sleep tight.

The meaning of dreams?

I was exhausted when I came home from work today, so I went for a nap, which was lovely but I woke up with a heavy weight on my chest.
I dreamt that I was on a big cruise ship, and I watched Him get married to another girl (for some reason I'm back to not writing His name...can't really stomach it, is it because He becomes more real? I don't know..)
In my dream I was OK with being there, even though I was feeling sad, but me and my friend (who happened to no one else but Faith from "Buffy" and "Angel"..) had a good time at the party (which wasn't the wedding party)
I was flirting with a devastatingly handsome man and I remember feeling that "buzz" in my tummy like you do when you get attention from such a hot man.

My mum was on this cruise as well with my little sister (in real life I haven't got any sisters or brothers) so I went to talk to them for a little while (to make sure my mum wouldn't come looking for me whilst I was having sex with the gorgeous man - who in the dream was called Wes)
When I came out from their room, Faith walked towards me pulling her top down, I laughed and asked her what on earth she had been up to and she hick-upped and said "Ive just had sex"
"With whom?" I asked her and she looked like she was trying to remember his name and then said "Wes?"

Even though I was dreaming I felt like I had been punched and I told her I had had enough today and didn't need her betrayal and I told her to go to hell.
Just then I woke up and I had started crying.

I looked up "wedding" in my Dictionary of Dreams and this is what it says:
"Dreaming of weddings tend to symbolise commitment or relationship issues. For example it may suggest your desires to be more involved in a relationship or partnership. If however your real-life partner marries somebody else in the dream, it is more likely to suggest your feelings of jealousy and insecurities"

I'm not sure how to interpret it..
I don't miss Him anymore, but I miss being in a relationship.
I don't like being on my own.
I don't know if He has met anyone else yet, or if there always was someone "waiting in the wings" until I left.
So in a way I suppose I am a bit jealous if He has met anyone, because I haven't.
That is childish, I know, but sometimes I have to let the child in me out and play havoc.
And in a way I do feel insecure, what IF I don't meet anyone?
If I look at it reasonable, I know it is unlikely that I will be on my own for the rest of my life, BUT there is a small chance...for all of us i suppose..that we wont meet the man/woman of our dreams, and end up in a rocking chair with our knitting and 50 cats who are all called "Binky" in the end because we have gotten so old we cant remember who is actually Binky and who is Fluff?

I realise I am about to wake old ghosts and demons from the past, so I will stop this right here and put some happy music on and relax for a while.
I'm working tomorrow as well, which I'm not used to, my last job in England i was lucky enough to mainly work Monday - Friday with the very occasional Saturday or Sunday, never both.


I hope you all have a good weekend without any heartbreak or misery.

Annoying bastards

Do you know what is more annoying than having to do a medication training course for every part of the city you work in?
When the bastards don't stick to the schedule and WASTE MY TIME.
I turn up at the address I am told to go to, I introduce myself and ask if I have come to right place for the training?
"Yes, just sit in there and wait, someone will be with you soon"
So I do as I'm told, I sit down and wait, and wait and wait...
At 15 Min's past the starting time I'm beginning to understand that I'm at the wrong place at the wrong time, or at least one of the two....

I start to walk the long corridors to find someone to ask, since the woman who opened the door left shortly after I arrived.
I find three women sitting on top of their desks eating cinnamon rolls and laughing at some joke and to say they look startled as i knock on the door is an understatement..
They quickly hustle around to try and solve the mystery of the training course I'm supposed to be on, and why would anyone book a training day on a bank holiday "squeeze day"

After 20 Min's they have found out that I'm in the wrong building!!
I should be in the one across two roads.
By this time I am 45 Min's late, so i decide not to go, since I pride myself with being on time for my appointments and meetings.

When I called my boss she said
"Oh don't worry, its OK, things like this happens, Ill just book you in on the next one.."

Oh great, thanks, no consideration for me and the fact that my morning has been rudely interrupted but I got nothing out of it.
I'm just not one little bit impressed!

Training courses

I'm tired today, stayed up late talking to Mike in L.A on skype til late last night.
When I woke up he was still up, just getting ready for bed.
Today is a training day, for safe handling of medication, which I have taken 8 times already in England..
I get that things are different in different countries and obviously i have to take it again here in Sweden, but what I don't get, is the fact that I have to take the same course for every place I work at..
So today and next Friday I'm doing the course for one place of work, and on Wednesday I'm doing it for the place of work.

Why is it different depending on which part of the town you work in?
Shouldn't it be the same nation wide??
I am just being lined up to fail and make a mistake and kill someone..
Am I not?

Ive had a hot shower to try to wake me up and energise me, but I'm still insanely tired and drained.
I will get a boost a bit later, my auntie, uncle and cousin has come to visit from Canada, I'm really looking forward to it, I haven't seen my cousin and her daughters since I visited them right after September 11Th 2001.
It will be a good night.

I'm off to my training course now, hope you all have a great day.

Not so sweet dreams

So the weirdness is back in my dreams, I didn't expect the peace to last very long to be honest.
I dreamt that Sally was about to divorce Alex because he decided to sleep for an extra 5 Min's one morning.
I told her I thought she was making a big mistake and that it was a bit drastic to divorce someone for sleeping another 5 Min's one morning..
But she wasn't listening, just kept on shouting that she had had enough and deserved better.
Then she threw the laundry around the room so I ended up under a big sheet. At which point I decided to pretend that I was a ghost and would scare Sally into not file for divorce.

When i came out from underneath the sheet I was not in Sally's house but in the supermarket where my parents live, and I was due to hand out lactulose to someone.
As i opened the sachet (I don't know why it was stored in a sachet..) I noticed there was some writing on the inside and it was my handwriting, which I just couldn't understand, but I saw that my previous team leader was standing a bit ahead of me so I wandered over to talk to her.
She laughed and and said:
"Have you seen my scumbag of husband today? I'm divorcing him!"

Which I also found bizarre since she has actually been divorced for several years and is now married to a woman..
I wanted to ask her about the writing in the lactulose sachet but there was two blond women standing in front of me and for some reason I lost my temper completely and shouted "Get out of my fucking way you fucking bimbos"
I was circling them like a wild animal getting ready to attack their dinner, and hissing and spitting at them, but they just laughed at me.

Is anyone good with interpreting dreams?
What does these dreams mean??
And why don't I ever have "normal" dreams like I arrive to work naked or that I'm falling off a cliff or being chased by a monster?

Going to bed soon, wonder what surprises tonight will bring?
Night night

Everyday Monday

I forgot to set my alarm last night, so woke up 45mins before I was due at work.
I made it though, thanks to the fact that in Sweden it is actualy possible to get a cab in the mornings, they are not just for children who for whatever reason cant walk or get a bus to school like their friends.

The day went very quick, even though I didnt have that much to do.
it is a strange feeling of not being in charge, not having any paper work to do, just help 2 client with showers and then preparing their food.
It's cool for the summer, but i am starting to feel the need for another challenge, something to put my teeth in and use my brain again.

I haven't even got that much to blog about, I haven't seen anything funny or exciting and it is not that exciting to write about boys, Im not 16 anymore.....
It has hit me that I could have a 16 year old child now....
Some girls get pregnant when they are 17.
Not me though..

Im working this weekend, something im not overly keen on to be honest, I havent worked a weekend for a long time and i like beeing off on a saturday, but I guess i will get over that aswell.

Im getting nowhere fast, so will log off now and concentrate on Buffy and her chums, slaying..

DREAMS

I'm working the grave yard shift tonight.
Trying to stay awake til 7.15 tomorrow morning, which might not be as easy as it sounds.
I nodded off a while ago and dreamt about my favourite book when I was 3 or 4 years old.
It was called "The goose's egg" and was a picture book about a goose who was about to lay an egg and tried to find a safe place for it.
Ive been dreaming about this book a couple of times this last week, which is a bit strange, normally my dreams aren't as tame as a children's book.
And it also made me realise that I haven't had any of my trademark weird dreams since I came back home.
Ive had mostly dreamless sleeps, or at least no dreams has stayed with me as they used to.

I'm wondering if it has something to do with the fact that I feel settled and so happy to be at home?
How much has our dreams really got to do with our waken state of mind?
Is it REALLY a way for our brain to "sort out" our emotions and what we go through when we are awake?

So is this a "sign" to myself that I can relax now?
Everything will be fine?
And I will be happy now?
I'm not expecting to be deliriously happy all day, everyday for the rest of my life, but in general, happy for the rest of my life.

Wouldn't that be nice?
I will stay in this state of mind I'm in for the time being, just feeling happy and relaxed, and pray that it won't go away just yet.

The object of my lustings

I'm in a bit of a pickle...
I think I'm developing a crush on one of the security guards who works in my parents building.
The first time I saw him was when I was home in October last year.
He said hello to me, in a way that would incline that we actually know each other.
I recognise him and I THINK that his name is Pierre (he is however not French) and I THINK we used to go to the same youth club when we were teenagers and I THINK that he is 1 or 2 years older than me.
All I can really say is that the man is G.O.R.G.E.O.U.S

I saw him at Christmas again when I was home and I've seen him a few times now since I moved back.
The last time being today, only a few hours ago, for some reason he "popped" into my head when I was on the bus, on my way to my parents.
As I walked from the bus stop I realised that he was standing outside the entrance to my parents building.
I had one of those "moments" you have when you are 15 years old and all you can ever think about is the boy you fancy at the time and then you meet him, it was like an explosion in my head and a voice (not mine, but still very much in my head) screamed:
"OH. MY. GOD!! THERE. HE. IS!!"
I told myself to keep walking and not look at him and just walk past, cool, calm and not bothered one little bit.

Well I should know myself by now, don't you think?
Of course I HAD to look at him and he looked at me and he said "Hiya, how are you?"
and i said "Hello, how are you?" and I. COULD. NOT. STOP. SMILING.
How ridiculous?
My face must have turned my trademark beetroot colour, I was grinning like a mad person and had to bite my tongue until it hurt, just to stop myself from bursting out laughing and doing a little "hop, skippety, skip dance"

And I am still smiling, I can not stop..

Now I'm guessing that most people are now thinking, "Oh for goodness sake, just ask him out for a drink or something.."
But things aren't that simple unfortunately.
I asked my friend Mia who i grew up with (in the same building) if she knows who he is and why do I recognise him? And is he who I think he is?
And she said "Yes that's Pierre, he is married now and has 2 children"
"At least i think so.."
So there is a big chance that he is married, and I know there are many women out there who find it more exciting and challenging to see if they can get a married man into bed and "steal him" away from his family, I am however not that kind of girl.
There is also obviously the chance that he is not married..BUT I'm too chicken to find out for myself.

It is at times like these when I wish it would be totally fine to send over a friend to ask "Do you have a girlfriend? My friend fancies you"
When I was 15, boys didn't even notice me, so I missed out completely on that part of growing up and was thrown in at the deep end at 18 or 19 years old where you had to tell boys TO THEIR FACE that you like them.
I shiver just to think about it.

But I do have a friend who I think will be perfect for the job, someone who is very perceptive and can figure things out without too much effort, he is still on the other side of the world, but will be arriving in Sweden in a couple of weeks and I'm planning on, possibly, give him that vastly exciting challenge.
To figure out if the beautiful Pierre is married or not.
I bet he will be thrilled when I tell him.

Excitement!

I am vastly excited tonight!!
To the point where i might pee myself, just a little bit..
Tomorrow I'm having lunch with a girl I went to school with and whom I haven't seen for 11 years, just before I moved to England the second time.

When we were 8 or 9 years old she made up a really silly joke about having a raindrop in her nose, which made me shriek with laughter, and whereas I no longer shriek. I certainly smile and giggle to myself when I think about it.

Another thing that adds to my excitement is the fact that I sent out an email to a few girls on facebook, who all went to elementary school together, wondering if anyone fancied to meet up before the holidays?
And everyone said YES!!
I'm trying to organise a date and place where they can take 8-10 girls (or maybe I should say women) who wants to gossip and laugh and drink wine and generally have a good time..

It's funny how excited I actually am about this reunion, it's not exactly a secret that I hated school and I had a rough time, but that was in "high school" and these are the girls from elementary school, which is completely different.

As Ive said before, life feels good, I'm feeling better and more positive than ever and this is to a new beginning.

Curiosity? or just nosey?

I have never been ashamed of the fact that i am interested in other peoples lives, and I want to know everything that they have experienced and battled with, both good and bad.
I have also always said that I am just curious about a lot of things and if you don't ask questions, you will never find things out...

It has however been pointed out to me that some people might think that I am just plain nosey, and stick my nose in where it doesn't belong, which has never been my intention, I don't want to know that people are not well or going through a rough time, just so that i can feel better about myself.
But with time, I have become better with biting my tongue and not always ask "What are you talking about?" When I see people talking or if I happen to walk in on a conversation and they stop talking.
When I think about it now, I realise I used to have an absolute fear of people talking about me and slagging me off behind my back, and always used to think that if I walked in on a conversation it was always me who was the topic...
Also with age I have come to realise that I am not THAT interesting that people can not stop talking about me..

But since I have now started working at a new place again, I'm finding that I want to ask "Why have you been signed off sick for over a year??"
"Whats wrong with you??"
"Why are you only working 50%??"
and the last but probably most important: "WHY oh WHY are you so damn lazy????"

I have now worked 2 shifts with a woman who delegates duties this way:
"If you want to, you can clean the toilets"
"????"
No I don't really want to clean the toilets, but I will do it, since it has to be done....it is part of the clients program so I will obviously help and support.
But when I asked where the gloves are kept she looked at me with empty eyes and asked what I needed gloves for?
I explained that I wouldn't clean a toilet without gloves, to which she replied that she never wears gloves, "I can't feel what I'm doing"...
......
Well....that is your choice love...I don't want some poo disease so I'm wearing gloves! End of discussion.
She then carried on delegating:
"If you want to, you can go to the shop, so can I stay here"
OK, you put your feet up and I'll do the shopping....
As soon as i came back, she said she was just exhausted and went home an hour early...

So I am now very curious to know why she has been off work for so long?
Gone into a wall? (that is a Swedish expression for when someone is mentally exhausted and can't work anymore. At least i think that is what it means)
I'm not used to employers being nice and understanding like that, in England they practise "tough love" and you get told to "get a grip of yourself", and most people do, since you don't get sick pay....
I'm working with this lady tomorrow night as well, and i realise that I'm not in the slightest curious to know her life story, I bet it is boring and silly and I might just die of boredom.
If I haven't written anymore posts by Sunday you know why...

Weekend

I have had a lovely weekend, the weather has been amazing and I'm feeling happy, relaxed and "summery".
On Friday I was shadowing at the place i will be working the majority of the summer, the staff were very friendly and welcoming so I got a good feeling about it straight away.
When I finished, I walked to the bus stop which only took 15mins so that will give me a bit of exercise every day without exhausting me before work.
I had dinner at my parents house and I came home around 7pm.
I had a relaxing evening to myself, watched TV, talked to some friends online and did my laundry.
On Saturday, my mum picked me up at 11am and we went into town to do a bit of shopping and have lunch.

In the evening i was invited out to Svedala to my oldest friend, Sara.
Me and Sara went to nursery school together, and even though we have travelled completely opposite walks of life, we are still close friends and she is one of my favourite people in the world.
I think we have stayed close friends because we are both down to earth and laid back.
Sara is one of these people you really can talk about everything with.
The saying: "Shared happiness is double happiness, and shared sorrow is halved sorrow" is probably written about her because she is always there for all her friends, which is probably why she has so many friends..

But back to our Saturday night.
Sara's husband bbq'ed pork fillet (I think it was....)which was just delicious!
We had potato salad and bearnaise sauce to go with it and it was so so yummy.
There is nothing that beats a BBQ in the summer!
Sara also made a pear pie which went down a treat.
The whole evening was spent talking, catching up and generally gossipping.
I cant wait to see them again.
I came home around midnight but stayed up watching "Buffy" and marveled at how small Angel's face looked..
Its funny how a person's head changes form as they grow older, and I don't mean from when you are a child...but some (men in particular) seem to be growing bigger bone structure in their faces..
Funny that..

Today Have been spent relaxing, taking it easy, and preparing for work tomorrow.
Hopefully the rest of the staff I will meet tomorrow is just as nice as the ones I met on Friday.

I will leave you with my song of this summer.
It is just wonderful and chilled out.
Enjoy



Come to think of it...You can nibble my ear anytime you like Jason, if you tell me Im so hot you are melting.....

The Peter Pan syndrome

Is it only men who can suffer from the Peter Pan syndrome?
The (I guess)fear of growing up?
I think I might suffer from it you see.
I'm thinking about last weekend with Teddy (best girl) and part of our conversations about her house and what she and her husband have done decorating wise etc etc.
We also talked about her friends who are in the process of selling two houses and buying another, bigger house, we talked about money and debts and other "grown up" things.
And it hit me that I am actually still living my life as a 22 year old, almost as if the 13 years in England has just been a (very long) gap year, and I have now come home to settle down and become an adult for real.

I have always struggled a bit in this area, I remember some of my classmates in college rolling their eyes at me and sighing "Oh just grow up.." and I always wondered what it felt like to be "a grown up" and feel responsible.

And I'm still not sure what it feels like.
I think I got stuck on 22, and I'm still enjoying it.
OK, so I don't go out clubbing like I did when I actually was 22, neither can I stay awake all night and still be fresh for work the next day (damn it!)
But my heart is still 22 in a way.

I did think that maybe I would feel grown up once i passed my driving test, but No, I didn't.
Then I thought: "Maybe once I start driving, then I will feel like a grown up?"
No I didn't.
At one point I thought, "I will probably feel more grown up once I'm married?"
Well, we won't find that out anytime soon, that's for sure.
Maybe if I have a baby I will actually FEEL grown up?

And I remember asking my mum once, what it was that made her feel like a grown up and she giggled and said "I still don't"
Right.
OK.

So maybe having a child doesn't guarantee you to feel grown up?
Maybe I will always be 33,35,40,50,60 going on 23?
Well that is ok as well I suppose.
If I turn out like my mum, I will be happy, because she doesn't take life too serious, she likes to laugh (which she does a lot, which is probably why she at 68 years of age still has no wrinkles to talk about) and she always sees the best in people.

But back to me and my possible syndrome.
Will I one day live in a nice house, with beautiful, grown up things around me?
Or will I carry on living in a suitcase so to say?
Never grow any roots?
Well, we shall see what the future holds for me, one thing I have learned during my "gap year" is that life is what happens while you are planning it, so don't plan too much, just live in today, but learn from your mistakes even if you have to make the same mistake twice, three times or even 14 times.
And the thing I know the most now is that I have definitely made the right decision in coming back home.
I feel happier for each day that passes, and I can't actually imagine ever going back now.
Life feels good.

First day as a shadow

I have now worked my first shift where i shadowed a girl whom I THINK went to the same college as me, but for some reason it never occurred to me to actually ask her...
Really stupid..I know...
The shift went really well anyway, three of the clients are still there from when I last worked there thirteen years ago and some of the staff are also still there.
I am thinking and wondering now if it is actually such a good idea to go back...
I'm thinking that maybe I should start completely fresh?
In a way it is good that they haven't offered me a full time position for the summer but the other place has.
I'm doing shadowing there on Friday and Monday which will be interesting.

I'm now plonked in front of the TV, watching a danish series about a doctor with Alzheimer's, and I'm eating my favourite ice cream. Liquorice.
Most people probably want to vomit just at the thought of it, but it is absolutely Divine.
So with that, i will now give my full attention to the ice cream and the TV and wish you all a good night.

LOVE?

I'm thinking about love and what it is to us.
I suppose love varies in its shape and form somewhat for us all, you love your friends, children, parents and partners in different ways but the basic love is still there isn't it?
And when you love someone you don't want to hurt them, not intentionally anyway?

I have always said that you can't go through life without getting hurt, and can't go through life without hurting other people, but you have to do it with open eyes and be as gentle as you possibly can.
I do realise that sometimes you have to be "cruel to be kind" and sometimes you might have to be quite firm when you break someones heart, because the person in question is just too blinded by love to grasp the concept that the one you love no longer loves you.

But then I think about downright mean people, who due to their own lack of confidence, feels it their right to put their loved one down with mean remarks and rude comments.
And then act surprised when that loved one finally stands up and walks away with the words: "I cant do this anymore"
I'm so proud of my wonderful friend, who is doing just that, she is standing up for herself and telling that bastard that "I'm not accepting this anymore, you can't treat me like this, and I'm leaving"
It is so hard as a friend to see someone you care about, and who you think is so amazing, falling apart and hurting this much.

At times like this the bitch i me runs riot, and I want to rip the bastards eyes out and push him off a cliff.
But I wont, because then I would end up in jail for killing a cripple.
And we can't have that now can we?

But..I suppose I could write him a nasty letter..or email..lets face it, no one writes letters in this day and age...
I will think and ponder on that one and keep you posted.
Any suggestions please post them to me.

Sunday at my parents

Im spending the day and night at my parents, Ive got two interviews tomorrow morning and mum said she would give me a lift since it is quite far from where I live and the first interview is at 8am...
Me and my dad have just had dinner since my mum is working and now Im in my old room, rather bored...

But I had a look on facebook and saw some photos of a guy I used to work with, apparently he has just got engaged and the photos was from their engagement party.
And MAN there were some ugly people at that party!
Saw some people I worked with a few years back, including the dirty (married) whore Steven sort of had a thing with whilst we tried to re build our relationship..
Which is probably one reaason we couldnt sort things out..
Some people just pushes your buttons you know..?
I'm not a violent person, I dont even like violent, slasher movies, but I think I would find a lot of pleassure in thumping her hard in the face. With my fist.
And I would find even more pleassure in telling her husband what she got up to, and show him the proofs..
But I wont, because I believe that "What goes around, comes around" and it is none of my buisness.
Maybe she has already told him, and they are working things out?
In which case, it is great, good for them.

I think the rest of this evening will be spent watching "Buffy" dvds, reading my book and prepearing for the interviews tomorrow.
I'm quite nervous actually.

Hope your Sunday is of the good sort.

People in my house

Ive met my landlady one more time, but I hear her if she is in her conservatory, because she has such a broad "south of Sweden" accent.
I found myself copying her way of talking and had to watch myself and how I pronounced my words...

Yesterday there was a knock on my door, I had just had a shower so was still only wearing a towel and found myself shouting "Hang on" (in English)
After finding something to wear (that didnt match unfortunately) I opened the door and there was a man who introduced himself as..?? I cant remember what his name is...
He said he had heard that someone had moved in and he wanted to introduce himself..
It was obviously the neighbour who lives on the top floor.

That is very nice and polite of him I'd say..
Then he carried on telling me he is just filling up the freezer, he is a fisherman, has his own boat and goes out everyday to catch fish...
Oh right, well thats nice.....I hate fish....
And yesterday he got salmon sausages!!
???..ok.... Is that something that you catch in a net?
Do you see sausages swimming in the sea?
Im not a keen diver so I dont really know...but I would have said there is no such thing as "Salmon sausage" in the sea..?
He shook these things in my face and asked if I wanted a couple?
"Eurgh..."
I declined politely and said I am allergic to food from the sea, people are much more understanding if you say you are allergic insted of admitting that you actually dont like something
"You are so spoiled! Just eat it for goodness sake, it wont kill you"
Well maybe not, but I dont like vomiting, so......Thanks but Ill pass this time...
Im not too keen on sausages either come to think of it, it has to be high quality and with leeks or apples in the mix aswell....
So to just think of a fish sausage...makes my stomach turn a bit...

Hopefully he wont try to force give me anything else fishy, or that he will cook too many fishy dishes that will poison the air in the house.
Then Ill just move.