Things dont always goes to plan...

I am exhausted.
Feel that I need a day off, or actually more than a day, I could do with at least a week. I have another six days to go before I have a day to myself.
Things are definately getting on top of me and I feel run down, which - as it always does - results in me getting heavy nosebleeds at the most unconvinient times.

Had I known that my contract would extend after the summer at school, I wouldnt have put myself down for as many shifts at the carehome as I did. But I thought I would be without a job and panicked.
It now turns out that I will only have three days off until I go back to work at the school in three weeks time.
I would have liked to return rested and refreshed, but unfortunately that wont be the case. I just hope that I wont loose my rag with the children due to my own tiredness.

There is so much I want to do at home aswell, I have started a project of painting chairs and table which I am enjoying. I got a very satisfied feeling in my belly as I watched the first chair being sandpapered down, ready for the paint. Hopefully I will get some time to finish them soon.

Now it is time to go to work - again.
Have a great day all.
Maybe hang with Robyn for a while?

Walk in the moonlight

I have just got home after a two hour long walk with Micke. We were supposed to walk in the park, but decided on the beach instead. We had a lot to catch up on and as always he gave me some good advice and a good peptalk. I love spending time with Micke, he makes a walk to the shop feel like a huge adventure. So tonight watching the sun go down and the moon rise on the beach I have been exhiliratingly happy. Imagining mt life as a successful writer.
And Micke has nudged me in the right direction again, to just WRITE.

I took some photos, unfortunately they are not as good as others I have taken with my phone, since it has some waterdamage. But I hope I have been able to do the sunset and the dusky sky some justice.
My home town is rather beautiful.


Looks a bit "ghosty" dont you think?





Micke in profile. Handsome man!

Battle of the breasts

Do you remember Samantha Fox? And Sabrina?
Two bigbusted ladies with a one hit wonder each in the eighties. One more bizarre than the other. "Touch me" Vs "Boys"
Well it now seems that someone has brought the two wonders together in a photoshoot for Vanity Fair magazine AND..they have also released a single together!

I found out today, reading Mickes blog!
Micke writes a great blog mainly about music, but also celbrities and other important things, I am a huge fan and admirer.
So I hope you will follow the link below and read about Sam and Sabrina and listen to their new song. Unfortunately there is only one photo, I think the shoot was hawt! (To quote Micke)
Have a great evening all.

Click here to get to Mickes blog


And to refresh your memories....

Life through different eyes

One of my closest, most favourite friends is not very well at the moment. She needs oxygen to help her with her breathing. I wont go into details, because as I said in a previous blogpost I wont use this space to hang out other people.

Tonight she has been here, we ate our favourite meal, chickensalad, and then chatted and laughed like we always do. We have known each other for eighteen years and I dont think I can remember what my life was like before I met her on my first day in college.

She is so brave and I admire her courage of just facing her fears head on.
After dinner we decided to go for a drive, and all of a sudden she says "I need to go to the square, just to feel the atmosphere"
So we park the car and she takes my hand for support and we walk.
Through the square, amongst all the people who are out celebrating the weekend and the start or end of their holiday.
And I see the world through different eyes, and to be honest, not the best eyes.

People look at us, some even stare.
I dont know if it because my friend has a small plastic tube across her face, or if it is because we are two women holding hands, and it is frowned upon in these bars. I even see some people nudge their friends, nodding our way so their friends turn and look at us.
It bothered me in a way, but on the other hand I didnt care at all, I just thought that people will actually stare at you almost with their mouths open, just because you dont "fit the norm"
Or they were staring at us because it has been my laundryday, so I was wearing a weird vest and dirty jeans and neither of us had any makeup on..

But the more I think about it, the more I start to wonder about divides. If I compare the different square I was at last night, where there is a festival this weekend. Sofas had been dragged out to the streets, everyone was sitting on blankets or cushions, drinking wine, listening to good music and just relaxing. Or dancing, letting their bodies move freely to the beat of the music, looking like they didnt have a care in the world.
It was just a strong feeling of happiness in the air, whereas tonight I felt a bit out of place and not really in the league to hang with the beautiful people.
But it is ok, I dont care. Not tonight anyway.

Check out this live version of 30 seconds to Mars, with the gorgeous Jared Leto as front singer. He is so carismatic! And I love this song.
Sorry that the sound quality isnt great, but I couldnt embed the original video unfortunately.
Hope you enjoy it.

Just, dont......

I am trying to find the words, but they dont make sense. It is just a big mess of different letters trying to form words and sentences.
I am confused, and slightly angry.
How can you just say something like that, and think that I will be happy?
Why would you risk the friendship we have and just throw those words in my face?

There are so many moments you could share with someone, anyone, and feel like it could last forever, for a lifetime. But in reality it is only a night, only a moment.

"Dont regret anything you do, because in the end, it makes you who you are"

You have made me question how far I have actually come on my journey of being true to myself.
If I make a promise to myself, I have to keep it, no matter what.

I have torn down some walls and been slightly brave, but still safe and comfortable.

Then there you are, knocking on doors, scraping on the walls I am not ready to open or tear down yet. Love is a big word, not a word I throw around easily.
Dont tell me that you want to live with me, because it is ridiculous.

Dont tell me that you want to father my children, because it is not true.

Dont tell me that you love me, because I dont believe you.



If you really wanted to know me, then you would know....

To shave or not to shave.....?

I was inspecting myself in the bathroom mirror last night and felt that my eyebrows needed a bit of "oumpf"... I started tweezing, but after a minute or so I realised it wouldnt get me the result I was after.
To be honest I am not sure what it is I am after exactly....but an idea popped in to my head. I remember an episode of the Tyra Banks show I watched some time ago where a girl wanted Miss Tyra to shave her eyebrows off. And Tyra did it, live in the studio. And the girl looks great!
So I am now sitting here thinking: Should I just shave my eyebrows off?
They are practically white anyway and not very noticable in the first place.
All the girls on the catwalk in Paris does it apparently..or am I getting too old for being a fashionvictim?



So what do You think?
To shave or not to shave?
I would really apreciate your thoughts and comments on this.

The next question is: Anyone with a trimmer who is brave enough to come and shave me?

Where my heart is..

I arrived home on Wednesday, exhausted, sweaty and dirty after three days driving in the scorching sun. But so happy to be back in my beautiful flat.
It was weird being in Ramsgate, I didnt feel as happy as I was on my previous visit a month ago. I guess because I wasnt as busy now as I was then, I had a lot of time on my hands where I could just look back and remember things I have worked hard to put at the back in my mind. Not to forget about, but still, not keep with my happy memories.
Thanet is Steven to me, everywhere I go there are memories of us together. And it is still painful. I dont miss him, and I dont want us to get back together, I dont want to move back to England, but during those four days I realised that I am not fully healed from my heartbreak.
I think we know by now that occasionally I am prone to some light mental selftorture, and so I did think about Steven a lot, still not in a way that I desperately wanted to see him, quite the opposite. I caught myself a few times looking over my shoulder, praying that I wouldnt bump into him. Or his mother.
Since I do know him fairly well, I also know that in his mind he has "won". He has a new girlfriend and they are happy together, he moved on quicker than I did.
But to be honest, it doesnt matter anymore. If it makes them feel better to think that, its fine, I dont mind.
I am concentrating on myself, and I dont need a man to make me happy, a man would just be a nice bonus.

So now what?
I have another five days off before I start work again for the holidays.
On the 16th of August I go back to work in the school. I will be having some different responsibilities next term and I look forward to them with petrified excitement.
I am venturing into an area where I promised myself I would NEVER go back to when I finally finished school.
I will be a teaching assistant in a class of fifteen year olds.
With some challenging behaviours.
My colleagues will be three men.
So a total change to what I do now, but as I said, I am looking forward to it.
Although I am terrified at the same time.

I was accepted into one of the courses I applied for, not the writing courses unfortunately, but the teaching course. I havent decided if I shal go or not.
It is a good course, and I will have a degree afterwards. But that fire I want in my belly isnt appearing...And without the fire, there is not much that can convince me that I should put in a lot of time, energy and money into something I might not want to do..
I can always apply next year again if I change my mind.

I have arrived, living in a beautiful flat, I am free to a lot of offers and options.
I am home.
Where I belong.
Where my heart is.

I have to play this song for you. I LOVE it. A mix of my two favourite performing acts if you like. Enjoy!