Where my heart is..

I arrived home on Wednesday, exhausted, sweaty and dirty after three days driving in the scorching sun. But so happy to be back in my beautiful flat.
It was weird being in Ramsgate, I didnt feel as happy as I was on my previous visit a month ago. I guess because I wasnt as busy now as I was then, I had a lot of time on my hands where I could just look back and remember things I have worked hard to put at the back in my mind. Not to forget about, but still, not keep with my happy memories.
Thanet is Steven to me, everywhere I go there are memories of us together. And it is still painful. I dont miss him, and I dont want us to get back together, I dont want to move back to England, but during those four days I realised that I am not fully healed from my heartbreak.
I think we know by now that occasionally I am prone to some light mental selftorture, and so I did think about Steven a lot, still not in a way that I desperately wanted to see him, quite the opposite. I caught myself a few times looking over my shoulder, praying that I wouldnt bump into him. Or his mother.
Since I do know him fairly well, I also know that in his mind he has "won". He has a new girlfriend and they are happy together, he moved on quicker than I did.
But to be honest, it doesnt matter anymore. If it makes them feel better to think that, its fine, I dont mind.
I am concentrating on myself, and I dont need a man to make me happy, a man would just be a nice bonus.

So now what?
I have another five days off before I start work again for the holidays.
On the 16th of August I go back to work in the school. I will be having some different responsibilities next term and I look forward to them with petrified excitement.
I am venturing into an area where I promised myself I would NEVER go back to when I finally finished school.
I will be a teaching assistant in a class of fifteen year olds.
With some challenging behaviours.
My colleagues will be three men.
So a total change to what I do now, but as I said, I am looking forward to it.
Although I am terrified at the same time.

I was accepted into one of the courses I applied for, not the writing courses unfortunately, but the teaching course. I havent decided if I shal go or not.
It is a good course, and I will have a degree afterwards. But that fire I want in my belly isnt appearing...And without the fire, there is not much that can convince me that I should put in a lot of time, energy and money into something I might not want to do..
I can always apply next year again if I change my mind.

I have arrived, living in a beautiful flat, I am free to a lot of offers and options.
I am home.
Where I belong.
Where my heart is.

I have to play this song for you. I LOVE it. A mix of my two favourite performing acts if you like. Enjoy!