The meaning of friendship

What is a friend? And who are our true friends?
Is it the people we see most days and spend most days with? (i.e collegues?)
Or is it people who we have a lot in common with and can have long interesting discussions (without falling out) with?
Or is it the ones who we can sit in total silence with for a whole evening and leave feeling we have had the most intresting chat ever?

I believe we have different friends for different times in our lives and we have different friend for different purposes.
When I was 21 I worked with a girl a year younger than me, we worked for a company selling newspaper prescriptions over the phone.
A job neither of us enjoyed but it paid ok and we didnt start work until 14.30 and finished 22.00 mon-thurs and we finished at 19.00 on a friday so life consisted of very late nights drinking coffee and talking and then sleeping til noon.

She was the most intresting person I had ever met.
She was brutally honest, hilariously funny and so street wise I envied her but also looked up to her in an almost adoringly fashion.
But the best thing with her was that she liked me!
She told me I was great and that I could do ANYTHING I wanted to as long as I worked hard for it.
It was beacause of her that I moved to England in the first place, well her and obviously a man....
She had lived and worked in the darkest part of London as a barmaid.
I was gonna do that too...
BUT as I said she was street wise, I wasnt.....
I filled in aplication forms and in the part where you write something about yourself I wrote:
"I am a happy and jolly girl from Sweden...." well......no wonder nobody hired me......who would??

I managed to get a job as a nanny in a nice family and ended up staying on as their lodger for 6 years, they were obviously looking for a "jolly girl from sweden"

Unfortunately I lost touch with my friend, but found her again on facebook last year.
She is married and have a daughter and still looks just as fabulous as she did 10 years ago.
And Im sure she is just as hilariously funny and street wise as she was then.
She probably hasnt got a clue what she did for me and how she affected my life but to me she will always be the most intresting person I ever met.
And she was a friend I desperately needed at that point in my life.

I have decided to move back to Sweden, most of my dreams was brutally shattered early on in my journey which is fine I have had a million other experiences that were just as good if not better, but the question is...shal I call her?
Is it wise to hope that we could take up our friendship again 10 years later?
Or shal I keep her in my heart where she cant change?

Nightmares

I had 2 rather unsettling dreams last night.
In the first one my mum wanted to die and tried to kill herself.
I woke up crying which I dont think Ive ever done before......
I eventually went back to sleep and dreamt that i was viewing flats in Cliftonville.
For people who arent familiar with Cliftonville -you havent missed anything, its not a nice place and i would never want to live there.
But in my dream I was with him. Sort of.....
He wanted me to see these flats and decide if I wanted to live with him, but instead of coming with me he was down on the beach flying a kite.....

Now I dont believe in dreams coming true BUT I think that dreams is our minds way of processing what is going on in our lives and what goes round and round in our heads all day long...........

Unfortunately I didnt wake up with any clarity....
I still have the same doubts whizzing in my head.
I love him, I really do.
Still....
But I dont think he has grown up yet, I dont think he has finished playing....which I have..........
He can never be the strong man I can rely on to be there for me 100%
I always feel anxious that he will let me down one way or the other.

So...whats the point...Really?

Is it bad to just be ordinary?

When I was in my early 20's the last thing i wanted was to be like everyone else.
I wanted people to admire me, to look at me and think I was vastly exciting and intresting.

I have become somewhat addicted to an old school friends blog, and she really seem to have lived that exciting life I wanted to do.
She seems to have had many lovers (she doesnt say this but if you read between the lines...she has...haha)
So does that mean she is sexually free, intresting and exciting?
Or is she just a bit of a slut?

She is now married with 2 children and seems blissfully happy.
It makes me feel like Ive missed the train in a way.
Most of my friends are settled, if not married they are living with their long term boyfriend and if they havent already got children they are pregnant or trying to get pregnant.
And here I am, single again....and not enjoying it as much as I did before.

Anyway back to my friend
Can i still call her that? Not sure if I can even call her an aquaintance......
Anyway....
In her blog she describes a lot of seedy clubs (her words not mine) she used to go to when she was travelling around the world.
She describes the men (and women) she met and had "brief encounters" with.

There is a part of me that is insanely jealous and thinks "That was the life I was supposed to have!"

But then I stop and think.....
If I ever had ended up in a seedy club in a far away country I would probably feel utterly lost and scared...
I would pray that i would get out of there with my dignity still intact.
Im just not a very exciting person, well maybe there is someone out there who thinks I have lived an exciting life (most likely to be my mother....)

And then I feel, thats ok
I dont have to have slept with 100's of men (and women?) and danced the night away in a club thick with cigar smoke
Neither do I need to obey my inner lesbian (not sure if I actually have one...) to be able to say
"I have lived a full life"
because I slowly realise that what gives me meaning and things that makes me happy are the little things, and i mean little things
Like a smile from a friend (or a handsome man in the queue in Tesco), waking up on a sunny saturday and realise I dont have to go in to work,
or you answering the phone when i call........

Oh god please no.....

Nam was cooking something earlier tonight, she is a fantastic cook and normally Im down in the kitchen, tasting her aromatic eastern dishes and having a chat about the day we have had.
Not tonight.
I was in the bathroom with my head in the toilet....

I mean, it could be because im so unbelievably tired, dont think Ive recovered from the flu I had last week....
But....does tiredness get affected by garlic?

Well Im going to sleep now, and hoping to wake up refreshed, rested and in a good spirit.

decision time

So, Ive had a week off with the flu, high fever and a lot of snot.
Me and my dad had a little mth session over the phone where we came to the conclusion that I have used 246 packets of tissues.
Is that even possible?
In one week/
Math is not my strenght but it is my dads....and I wouldnt be the one telling him that he is wrong.....
Im back at work but to be honest I could probably do with a couple of more days in bed, but Ive had my week off, now its someone elses turn.......

So time to make a decision.....Ive said this for 8 years now.....
And everytime Ive put it on the backburner and thought "Ill think about it another time"

But I think I now really need to close some chapters in my life
And start others
Im not so sure that I should leave my future in the hands of fate anymore
Think she has had the chance for a bit too long now haha

So,
What to do?
Should I stay?
Or should I go?

Its not logic, its love

Its not logic...
Its just love......
Plain and simple love, if love can ever be simple...
Its complicated.......
and it hurts
and i hate it

You know when you wake up with a niggly feeling at the back of your mind.............................
It starts as something niggly, but at the end of the day its all you can think about...
Or as in my case, half way through the day, its ALL you can think about...haha

I just wish he was honest with me, if he has met someone cant he just tell me?
Why sneak and tell me he still loves me?
But not keep our arrangements?
I am so much better off without him arent I?
That is an actual question....so please, tell me.....

Having a girlie night tonight and it wouldnt surprise me if he turns up tonight, with his tail between his legs saying he thought it was tonight we were meeting?

TWAT!
Hahaha

It is getting better......

At least i think so......
Saw him today when he dropped off some money to me, he said I have to trust him.......
I said sorry, but i dont..................
He looked so hurt...the look in his eyes.....
But i cant care about that.....
I need to think about myself now, to make myself happy.....
But why does it hurt to hurt someone else?
Maybe he wasnt hurt.....?
Maybe it is just me who thinks he was....
Ah well i have to stop thinking about it so much

Oh for petes sake................they say that time is a great healer.......if you just give things a bit of time you will feel better, after a while it wont hurt so much bla bla bla!!

IT DOESNT HURT ANY LESS!!!
Fuck!!!

truth hurts...............

The truth hurts.......but a lie hurts even more, because sooner or later the truth will come out......it always does................

I used to think he was the one who would never lie to me.........there has never been a man in my life who didnt lie to me.....but I really trusted him.......and i let my guard down, because I fell in love with him and i loved him more than anyone ive ever loved before.............

just goes to show.....most people thinks it is easier to lie......

He is now messing around with a married woman, who he was messing around with before we got together.....and according to her his feelings never went away.......
I was some sort of rebound....................

that makes me feel great about myself....NOT

Just finding it so hard to get my head round and deal with.........

Its not fair......surely I dont deserve that........?

Oh dear.......the next day

Oh crap..........how drunk was i last night?
I cant believe I even managed to log on to the lap top....lol
And its true, his feet would stink.......lol

But ALL my house mates have got their boyfriends visiting this weekend, its like bloody love island here......they are cooking together and sitting on top- of each other in the sofa....

Makes me sick!!!!! LOL

Still....I want to go to sleep in his arms tonight aswell.....but not as strongly as i did last night

Oh crap...I wonder if anyone actually reads this...?
Must just be boring lol

The green eyed monster

Oh no,
Alcohol is baaaad, it brings out the green eyed monster in me.......
Ive been out tonight, and so has he.....he bumped into his ex.................
(not me....but some little slut.......)

Why did i need to know that? And why am i so upset?
Ive had a great night, talked a lot to a great man (that I am NOT intrested in but he was nice and fun to talk to.....)

And all I want now is snuggle up in his arms and go to sleep (my ex's arms.....not the man Ive been talking to tonigh...)
Would love to go to sleep and then wake up in his arms

But why am i thinking about that?
He will snore, probably slap me (unconciounsly in his sleep......) and his feet will stink so much it will take a week to get rid of it............................

Why do i want that?

Ah sometimes life sucks

Night night

It really hurts when people slag him off............ I know he is not perfect, but who is?
I dont think its fair when people keep pointing out his bad sides.....I dont point out their bad sides?
It just hurts.....I still love him.....I know that i probably shouldnt and he will never be avle to give me the security that i want and need and long for.................

But there is somthing else........what makes me feel disgusting, horrble and just repulsed by myself.....and I want to get rid of it, dont want it anymore just want it gone.
And then i deserve to be loved...or maybe I dont?
Maybe I am destined to be on my own?
With a cat and knitting?
Lol

Ah well we will have to see......

He does say that he wants me....that he wants us..... but I just think that we want different things.....I want to get married.....settle down and have children......

And even if he says that he wants that aswell.....I will find it so hard to believe....trust.....since he pulled out once before.....and how do I know he wont do it again?
And maybe that time it will be the day before the wedding?

I can never be sure.....and its not fair to keep bringing it up and throw in his face how much he hurt me...how much im still hurting and how hard it is to even get out of bed some mornings..
Why did he do it?
Am I that horrible?
Disgusting?
and vile?
That there is just no possible chance he could stand being married to me?

And if he cant bear it.....then who can?
I will end up on my own.....

he will find someone else, probably a cheap tart....but never the less he will meet someone else and have loads of kids with his cheap whore

Lol
I dont sound bitter do I? lol

Im trying to translate my CV to Swedish.....and its not as easy as I thought it would be........... hmmm I seem to seriously struggle with my mother tounge...... My mother will not be impressed.....
The more reason for me to come home she will say
What kind of a job can I do if I cant even write in swedish anymore??
I suppose I need to practise....oh crap...is this actually a good idea?
I so want to be nearer my parents, I hate knowing that they are so upset with me being all the way over here.......

Its not like they are putting any pressure on me or trying to guilt trip me....but i know...............they want me home.........................

Oh life..............why cant it be easy?

Im making a list................

Things I hate the most:
1. BEING IGNORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So he called me tonight. (just to say hello I think) There was one of those aquard silences....so he asked me to call him in 5 mins time cause he needed to check on the student...
So i did, because I keep my word to people.....

And He rejected my call!
I mean how rude and annoying and bloody stupid is that????????????????
he could just have said that he was tired and wanted to go to sleep for christ sake!!!!
I tried to call again and the phone is turned off
AARRRGGGHHHHHHH
Im so frustrated!

Bastard!!

Oh crap......I just checked my phone.....and have 2 missed calls from him....I went to the bathroom and obviously didnt hear it go off.........

Its definately too late to call now......since he called an hour ago.....oh dear...

Ah well, never mind lol

Im really miserable at work......
But if I really think about it I should be laughing.......
I work 4 days and then have 4 days off.....
The 4 days im working i work 10-16 hrs though.....
But then i have 4 whole days off.....
Why am i not loving it???
I get paid good ish money.....

Bloody hell im never satisfied am I?
Lol

It matters to me.................
Baby i still dont understand,
when we dont talk
when we dont touch
when it doesnt feel like we are even in love,
Dont know what to say dont know what to do
dont know if it really even matters to you
How can i make you see it matters to me

Dont you know how much it hurts
It matters to me


I need to stop moping like this.....
Writing silly poems and listening to love songs will just make things worse...

Went to the beach today, and got burned...
I swear my skin smells like burnet flesh...thats attractive! NOT!

SNAP OUT OF IT!!!!!

When we met up the last time he said that he was sorting himself out.....
And I can see that he is changing...that he has changed.....but how do I know its for real?
How do i know he wont go back to his old ways?
And i will be let down again?

But why does it still hurt so god damn much?
Why do I still miss him every day?
My friends wouldnt understand if I tried to explain......they just think im so much more possitive and happier since we split....and in a way i can agree.......but when im on my own....
Im just so miserable....and it still feels like my heart has been put in a food processor....

Would it be good if we got back together?
Or would i loose my friends?
But if they are real friends they wouldnt let me down would they?
They wouldnt tell me to choose between him and them?
Thats not friendship.........

I know i was unhappy at times, quite often............
But still...........

Im back.....

I was suprised to see that my account hasnt been deleted......I wasnt sure if I would write here again, but now I feel like I will explode if i dont.....lol

Im not getting married anymore....he changed his mind.......said that he wasnt ready, but he still loves me and thought we should be together.
We tried for a while.....but then he decided that he should move back to his mother and we should go back to just dating....we had rushed into things too quickly and he needed more time with the boys.....

It felt like someone had litterally sliced up my body and very brutally wripped all my intestance (that probably isnt spelled like that......) out.

I had to phone the church and cancel,
I had to phone the hotel and cancel,
I had to cancel our honeymoon which my dad had already paid for,
and I have to go and collect my wedding dress soon....because once its been ordered you still have to pay for it and collect it......

He didnt do anything apart from tell me that he is very sorry...and this hasnt been intentional..... and isnt it better that it happens now than that he would stand me up at the altar?
Or leave me after our honeymoon?

What am i supposed to say to that? Should I be grateful?

I moved out from our flat, am now living in a house share, which is fine for the time being, i dont need to worry about bills or even cleaning....because its all included in the rent
I feel settled and am spending a lot of time with my wonderful girl friends.
If it wasnt for them I would probably be sitting in a corner, rocking backwards and forwards mumbling non understandable sentences.

So two weeks ago i recieve a txt mewssage from him saying that he cant go on without me, I am his life, i mean the world to him, he loves me so much and would I be his girlfriend again?

I should probably have called him and tell him where to go....but I couldnt...
That txt message devastated me....I didnt need to know that....
I told him i didnt want to talk about it over the phone but could meet up with him the following week, which we did
I told him I cant be his girl friend, too much has happened and I am still too raw and emotional to even try to trust him again......
He broke my heart and I need time to heal......

My friends say that I need to break the contact completely for a while....so that I actually can heal....I know what they are saying and I would probably say the same if it had been the other way around....but its hard to do that....he was such a big part of my life........

But this is the hardest time in my life...what I am going through right now........

Am considering going back to sweden, to my mum and dad.
But am i then running away?
I need to figure that out....
I just want to be closer to my mum, to just go over there after work and get a much needed cuddle......

But would I really be happy?
Would i have still have friends?
I have kept in touch with a few girls, but the question is.....if i lived in Sweden would we have anything in common?
Would I be invited out? or to their homes?

Or would we drift apart and see less of each other than when I was in England?
and would I meet up with all my facebook friends???
Or is that just polite chat we say that "it would be just lovely to see you again, please keep in touch!!! We must meet up all of us again!"

I dont know...?
I really dont know.........

Then there is obviously the question about work and somewhere to live....
I cant stay with my parents forever.....
And i cant be without a job forever.........

ARRGHHH I wish someone else could make my decisions.......Just tell me "this is what you need to do Mia.........

What would you do?

Gosh I havent been on here for AGES......
Christmas was good...
Apart from fmil really upset me...
I was opening one of my presents from my mum which was "Pink" by Lacoste, and she bursts out... "Oh that is a poormans perfume".... poor people wear that...
I mean.....How RUDE...
She then carries on saying that the present me and himself had bought her was "No good, because the woman dies in cancer"......
So she goes out to the hall way to get a giftbox wich contains Celine Dions perfume and tells me that "This is my christmas present to myself, that way I get what I want..."
Bloody cheek.....we havent really spoken since.....

I worked on New Years eve, which sucked!!! Never again!!!
On the 1st JanI started my new "life without chocolate" campaign.....
So far Ive lost 7lbs!!!!!!! Yey me!

Went home to Sweden for my irthday last weekend which also was great, but I didnt get to spend as much time with my parents as I would have liked........
Ive turned into a right family girl and really hate that im so faraway from my parents......
Upsets me just to think about it so I try not to.....