Dating disasters....

Sunday nights at 7pm a show called "Tough Love" is showed here on TV3. It is hosted by Steve Ward who aparently runs one of the most successful datingagencies in America with his mother. The programme is a dating bootcamp and shows eight girls who has had some problems in the dating department and now really wants to meet the love of their life and settle down.
Steve gives them advice on how to behave and challenges to complete when on dates with handsome eligable single men. One advice he gives to all girls, all over the world is: DONT BE WEIRD!
Well I have to say that goes for men aswell... Dont be weird!
I will now share my own dating experience ,from the past three months, with you.
This is actually true happenings but I am writing this piece with humour and can now laugh at it all, it is not meant to be misinterpreted as me concentrating on the negative side of everything.

So lets start with CC, I know I didnt write very much about him, because there was just not much time to. We met up a few times and at first I thought "This is a really great guy, he will get on with my friends and we will have a good time" then it took less than three days for me to change my mind.
I got a very strong vibe of controlling needs from him when he "adviced" me not to go to a particular place for drinks in our town. He told me that he wouldnt forbid me to go there, but if I still went there I would have to face the consequences afterwards. Because everything we do in our lives have consequences. I didnt agree with that. He asked me if I had ever been beaten by any of my exboyfriends? I think that is weird thing to ask someone. Or isnt it? Some time ago, he stood in the vestibule of my building buzzing my entry phone at two am. Asking why I havent answered his phonecalls? Personally I think that is the behaviour of a drunk twenty year old on a Saturday night, not a thirtyfive year old man on a Thursday. Or maybe I am wrong on that part aswell?

Then we have EC, who I met at the little square in my town on a Friday night at the beginning of summer. He is probably the most gorgeous man I have ever seen (not counting David Boreanaz) and I realised I was giggling everytime our eyes met across the crowd of people who was also out celebrating the weekend and the sunshine. EC came up and asked for a light (which I didnt have) and then we spent the rest of the evening together walking around the city talking, smiling, holding hands and talking some more. EC told me he is Greek, living in Paris, working as a photographer.
Unfortunately that was his last night and he flew back to Paris the following morning. During the summer we have kept in touch via msn and facebook and we talked about him coming to visit one weekend and me going to Paris in November. So imagine my surprise and somewhat utter horror when he one night tells me: "I am wearing a red thong, just for you" "I am your little girl, I want you to f**k me hard"
What I am curious to know is if I send out signals that I would enjoy a man in womens underwear in my bed?? And that I like little girls????
If so I need to do something radical straight away. How could I have misjudged him so badly?
Needles to say we are no longer on speaking terms, I am not going to Paris in November and I will bolt my door if he comes anywhere near this city again...

And the last one, Mo, whom I met back in December, we swapped numbers and I did want to go for dinner with him, but he was so intense I had to cancel. With intense I mean that he said. "What are you doing now?" "Uhm..nothing, just watching tv."
"Right Ill be over in 30 mins and you are coming to mine for thai-food"
I do realise that a lot of women (and men) are looking for that kind of spontainety, and I dont mind someone being spontaineous, when you know each other a bit more. But for the first date, I want a bit more notice to get ready and psyche myself up for it. So we didnt meet up that time.
However, last week he popped up on my msn and asked how I was bla bla, then asked if I was still intrested in going to dinner with him?
And I felt that might be just what I needed?
So we decided that we would meet on thursday.
On wedensday night I get a txt asking if I know how to get to his house?
Well, no, I dont know where he lives. So he gave me his address and asked me to rent a dvd on my way.
I said I didnt feel comfortable coming to his house on our first date and why would we watch a dvd? Wouldnt it be better if we talked and got to know each other?

HE THEN WROTE WITH CAPITAL LETTERS THAT THE PREVIOUS DAY I HAD TOLD HIM IT WOULD BE NICE. AND HE WAS DISAPPOINTED IN ME SINCE I HADNT CONTACTED HIM, AND WE WOULD NEVER HAVE GOT THIS DATE TOGETHER HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR HIM.

So I asked him if he was annoyed with me, since he seemed a bit irate...And I felt that he was very intense, whereas I like to take the day as it comes, not planning too much.
STILL WRITING IN CAPITAL LETTERS, MAKING ME FEEL LIKE WAS SHOUTING, HE TOLD ME THAT HE IS ALWAYS INTENSE, WHEREAS I OBVIOUSLY DONT KNOW WHAT I WANT!! SO GOOD LUCK TO ME EVER FINDING A MAN.

We didnt meet up on Thursday night, but I probably didnt need to tell you that...
I can not stress enough, to both men and women: DONT BE WEIRD

So that is my dating disasters for this summer, hope it made you laugh a little bit at least.
But I am thinking more and more about matchmaking, and I feel that my friends and family should find my perfect man. They know me the best, which brings me to something else that Steve Ward says:

Most people dont see themselves like other people see them

I realise I am obviously doing something wrong, so I would like to put my dating and lovelife in my wonderful frineds hands. I trust You with my life and know You wouldnt pick someone who is unsuitable or weird.

So let me finish with a great song that is so true. All you need is love!

And so it begins...

First day back at school yesterday, even though the children arent back yet there was an exciting tension in the air just like when I was in school myself.
It was really nice to see all my colleagues again and the day of meetings went past quickly and I walked home with a happy spring in my steps.
Getting in the lift (which had been fixed) cute boy got in aswell. Did I invite him in for coffee? No I chickened out. Instead we talked about the dirty water that is flooding our basement, and we both wondered if it is just mud, or could it be drainwater?
About half an hour later I was on my way out again, and who was in the lift?? CUTE BOY!
He gave me a crooked smile and said "We seem to be bumping into each other a lot" so I just said it! "Do you want to come up for coffee and a catch up sometime" and he said "YES" then we were at my stop and we just said, "Well ok then, bye"
So...we said we would meet up...just not when.....I guess time will tell..

Today it rained again, we had a trainingday at a nice restaurant/conference place. They served us nice breakfast, lunch and cakes for the afternoon coffee.
Trainingdays are what trainingdays are...but all in all it was a good day.
I had a splitting headache when I came home so I slept on my couch for a couple of hours and now feel better, even though I am still very tired, so I think I will have a very early night instead of sitting up watching So You Think You Can Dance which I normally do on a Tuesday evening.

Boring blogpost today Im afraid. But such is life, you dont always get what you want. But I will play a song I heard today that I really like.
It is just a fun song that makes me feel good and I dont want to be tamed and turned into something I am not. Sometimes I do things just because I want to do it and I shouldnt always have to justify everyhing I do. If I decide to wear Winnie-the-pooh knickers tomorrow, I will and I wont answer a stupid question such as "Why?"
My old drivingschool teacher once told me that Why? is a bad question and will only get the answer "Because!"
Anyway, here is the song. Be a rebel and enjoy it.

Not such a good day

Even though I am trying to stay positive and see something good in everything that comes my way at the moment, it has been difficult today. Well I shouldnt say that the whole day has been awful, just the last three hours.

We have had "every-other-day-rain" here. Started Thursday afternoon, and it wasnt just rain, it was like the sky had opened, carrying on for at least twelve hours.
Friday was a beautiful day and yesterday came more rain, just like Thursday, like someone had poured a bucket of water over the world. A very large bucket of water.
As I was sitting in my new sofa, watching tv I realised there was some sort of commotion in the stairs, actually the fire exit. I heard the alarm for the lift go off and someone was calling "Donde está?"
I figured that there was a party somewhere and it was the drunk guests making the noice so I didnt think about it too much.
This morning I was woken by the firedoor slamming several times which I found rather annoying, but then I realised that the lift was at a standstill, not working at all.

I have spent the whole day on the sofa, watching "Paris Hilton, My new BFF", wondering when Paris Hilton will see herself too old to talk about BFF's, TTYN and TTYL.
Even though I didnt enjoy the program and was getting more and more annoyed by the shallowness of the contestants I couldnt switch over to another channel. I remember doing the same thing last year, only difference being that I watched "From Geezer to Gentleman" or something like that.
Paris finished just in time for me to start my laundry.

Since the lift was out of order I had to walk up to the attic, walk over to the next entrance and get the lift down that way, and coming down to the basement was a bit like entering the Titanic. I almost plunged into the water, covering my feet completely. Unfortunately it wasnt water from the washing machine with soappowder...but instead brown gunk. I just hope it was mud and not poo that was clinging to my skin...
I decided to check the car, which was fine, the water hadnt got in to the garage. But where my storagecupboard is, the water was ten inches high. I couldnt even get to the gate, I lost my flipflop in the water.
So I have decided that the insurancecompany will have to take care of it, hopefully I did put the plasticboxes at the bottom and not the cardboardboxes.
I walked up to the shop to get some bits for dinner, and walking around the store, filling my basket up, mainly thinking that I look rough with slightly wet bottom hems of my trousers and a redflustered face. As I got to the checkout, put all my items on the band, the girl tells me its 100SEK and only then I realised that I have no money with me!! I didnt take my purse, so I was standing in the shop, people behind me, and I had no money at all!!
I had to apologise and just leave, walking across the attic and then down to my flat.
I was really not impressed with the afternoon and evening.

Tomorrow is the first day back at school after the summer holiday.
I am both looking forward to it and not so much.
I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that it will be messy and unorganised and so much to take in.
But I will take one hour at a time I think. Starting with attending the meeting at 08.30am. Now it is time to bring all the laundry up.
Ill do it all the while humming "You shook me all night long", wondering when I will be shaken all night long.
Night people.



One more time for the cheap seats in the back.

Other ways

I was supposed to blog about the other route a few days ago...and not behave like I had chosen to sink and not fight anymore.
That is certainly not the case.
I have chosen, (and did chose some time ago actually) to spend a lot of time on and with myself.
I am getting my flat in order, painting chairs which I am very proud of having done by myself. The table is next, but I will do that when I get home from Greece.

I realised that for almost my whole life, I have done everything to please other people, I never really thought about what I wanted for myself, just as long as no one else minded.
I have stayed in on saturday nights just to keep my friends with children company.
I didnt travel around the world on a cruiseship because someone said I would never cope with the hours.
And I didnt follow my heart to go with that wonderful, sexy, funny man, because someone thought he wasnt handsome enough.
I am not looking for sympathy, I take full responsibility for my own actions and choices I have made.
But I have now decided that I will listen to my heart, and to what I really want to do.

And I will do what I feel is best for myself before I think about what others might think about me. If someone really think I am bad or boring or whatever, then that is about them, not me. And I have come to realise, that the people who have come into my life, who I have the fortune to call my friends, are exactly that. My friends. They have earned that. Not that I have put them through a test Paris Hilton style, and they have showed me what real friendship is. That true friends dont enjoy watching you get humiliated, neither are they part of the humiliation.

So the route I am now taking is to suround myself with great people, and I dont need to join a potteryclass to find new friends. They are already in my life, and I love them with all of my heart.
I was watching the Tyra Banks show a couple of days ago, and one of the guests was a lady who practised "numerology". I didnt catch the whole conversation, but she said that you should add all the numbers in your date of birth and break it down until you only had a one digit left. So my date of birth is 1+9+7+6+1+1+9= 3+4 = 7 which means that I am a 7. Which means that I am a mystery. I think a lot of the meaning of life, of why I am here and who I really am.
At the moment that is very accurate, at least the "Who am I?" part.
I am reading a lot of everything, books, magazines and articles, to help me get to know myself again. And I am loving it.
I know that some people might find it a bit exhausting to listen to my ever talking about "me-time" and how I am spending time in my flat just decorating for my own wants and needs.
But it will pass, it is just intense at the moment, I will calm down soon.

So I will talk about something quite funny.
I have now lived in my flat for aprox eight weeks, the first week I met a man in the lift who I recignised as the father of one of my childhood friends I used to play with when I was in school. I wasnt sure that he recognised me, so I just said hello.
A week or so later, I met his wife and she recognised me and hugged me and said she had heard from my mum that I had moved back to the street. She was very friendly and I asked about my friend, her daughter, M, who is a doctor.
On wednesday this week I came from the garage and was heading for the lift, as I opened the door a man was already in the lift and he asked if I was going up?
As I got in he asked if my name was Maria, and when I looked at him I saw that it was the brother of my friend. He used to play "V" with me and M and some other kids during the summer holidays. I havent seen him since we left school some twenty years or so ago, and he has done a good job growing up, the cute thing!
Today I met him and his mum again in the lift, he was helping her with the laundrybasket (how sweet?) and she asked me where I am working at the moment, so I told her that I work at the school. She said that she had asked L, but he didnt know.
I found that funny, because me and L only talked for a minute or so, no time to discuss work and life in general, but I also got the feeling she wants her son to ask me out.
I will invite him up for coffee or something stronger when I meet him next time, but not when he is in the company of his mother.
So, we shal see, maybe I have met my next loveinterest?
I will take it cool though, I can not have another situation like the one with CC.
But that is another story that I will tell you another day.

I will leave you with a song, that Im afraid will prove that I am getting old, because I think these ladies rock!!
Enjoy it, and goodnight.

Crossroads...

Am I standing at a crossroad? Or am I stumbling in the dark? Is it just a desperation to find something to hold on to? To make my own and help me find that inner peace?

I feel I can go two ways.
Either I will sink, and decide to spend the rest of my life on my own, because I got the final proof that I can not trust a man. Because I will end up hurt and humiliated everytime. I know that in this day and age it is not allowed to have bad thoughts about yourself and it is definately frowned upon if you say that you are not happy about the way you look.
If you are not happy with something, then you change it, like Nike says: "Just do it"
And it sounds so easy to "just change the way you go" and take another route and then BANG, there is your happiness...
But I have come to realise that there actually comes a point, when something inside says no, enough now, I dont want to play these games anymore.

I did say that I would write about the brothers another time, and I think now is the time.
I met Dan and his friend Marius in a nightclub back in 1999. Marius was dark and dangerouslooking and Dan was fair and seemed very shy.
Marius was always the one talking and joking and Dan would just look and smile and one day he told me I was pretty. We never exchanged numbers, it was just at the time when not everyone had mobilephones, and all phones didnt have the ability to send or recieve texts...
So we only bumped into each other once a month or so but I was always happy when I saw Dans blond hair and cute smile. After a while he started asking me "What would you say if I asked you out to dinner one night?" my answer was always the same "You wont know until you ask will you?" and I would smile my best smile. He would then nod and look serious and usually turn away and say something to Marius.
Then came christmas 2001 and me and Betty was having our annual christmasparty. Just her and me out on the town celebrating christmas. It was heaving with people and in the crowd was - obviously - Dan and Marius. Marius said something to Dan and pushed him towards me, Dan didnt say anything, just grabbed me and kissed me.

He then introduced me to his little brother who was out with them aswell - Tom -
I first thought that Tom was slightly...how shal I put it... "special" or "slow", he just looked odd, and I thought "What a lovely man Dan is, he takes his retarded brother out for a christmas drink"
After that Betty dragged me away and I didnt see Dan for the rest of the night, so no more christmas snogging.
In January was my birthday and me and Betty went out to celebrate and once again we bumped into Dan, Marius and Tom, whom I realised wasnt retarded, he was just very drunk before christmas.
Since I had a huge birthdaybadge pinned to my chest Dan asked if he could give me a birthday kiss, which I allowed him to do and this time Betty didnt drag me away.
Dan was a really good kisser and I felt like I was floating on a little pink cloud.
A little later I needed to go the ladies room and asked Dan to wait for me, this was a little trick I had started, to see if the guy I had pulled would stay or leave, a first test to see what sort of guy he was.
When I came back, he wasnt there, but instead in the middle of the dancefloor kissing another girl.
I wasnt upset, but not impressed either so I just stayed out of his way for the rest of the evening.
It then came to the summer of 2002 before I bumped into any of them again, this time it was Marius and Tom that was out, no Dan.
I started talking to Tom and he was quite funny, we swapped numbers and then he kissed me. Also very nice and nothing like his brother.
I can hear everyone thinking "You cheap tart" but at the end of the day, I was single and loved it.
So I decided to play the toilet card again and asked Tom to wait for me.
And he did, so he "passed" the test and I was happy, kissing a gorgeous (and on second look, not retardlooking) man.
I started seeing Tom, he was fun and charming and very good in bed.
One morning he told me he was going to the airport to pick up his brother (Dan) and his fiance. Yes fiance..I was a little bit surprised to hear that Dan was engaged, since only six months or so earlier he had kissed me (and another girl) but I thought it was his problem, not mine.
One night during Folk Week that summer I was out with Betty and her sister and some other girls and I knew that Tom would be out with Dan and Marius. Broadstairs is a small town so I knew I would bump into them sooner or later, and ofcourse we did. Tom came up and gave me a big hug and kissed me and when I turned to say hello to Dan he gave me a look that could have killed.. I was to say the least surprised at this anger coming from him, but thought maybe he was very drunk?
Betty and her sister went home and so did Dan and Marius, leaving me and Tom to wander around Broadstairs, hand in hand and when he kissed me goodnight I had started falling in love with him.

The weekend after that, Tom went up to Hull, where he and Dan are from, to go to a festival with some friends and me and Betty went out as per usual for a girls night. And bumped into Dan and Marius.
Dan grabbed me by the arm and gave me another one of the "Im going to kill you" looks and shouted: "My brother? You and my brother?? HOW COULD YOU??"
It took me a while to find my speach, I was in such a chock. Then I shouted back at him "What the hell is it to you, you are ENGAGED!!"
Now it was Dans turn to look chocked, and he said that he wasnt engaged, and where had I heard that?
He even nudged Marius and asked him if he was engaged. Marius looked me straight in the eye and said "He is not engaged"
To say that I was confused is an understatement and I dragged Dan outside so we could talk.

I told him what his brother had said, and Dan looked at me, with, what looked to me like pain in his eyes and said:
"He had a bet on you, him and Marius had a bet on who could get you into bed first" It was in the middle of August and the nights were still hot, but I remember that I went cold, I was shivering and couldnt breathe properly.
Dan went on telling me that he had loved me since the day he first met me, and had never been able to forget about me.
So I asked him why he never did anything?
Why didnt he fight for me?
He couldnt tell me...
He talked about what love really is, and that his brother doesnt know what love is, he doesnt care about girls, all he wanted was to get laid.

I went home that night and stayed awake for nearly four days.
I had read about people who couldnt sleep, who suffered from insomnia and was constantly awake. I never really believed it, because I had never had a problem falling asleep or staying asleep. But not now, my eyes just wouldnt close, I didnt cry, I just sat in the sofa, staring.
How could anyone be so cruel?
After two days I called Tom and screamed like a banshee, "A bet? I was a fucking bet to you? Is that all I was? You fucking arsehole!!! Dont you dare come near me ever again!!!" He tried to say something, but I wouldnt listen and he didnt call back, he didnt fight for me, so I took that as what his brother had told me was true. I tried to get hold of Dan, but he wouldnt pick up his phone or on the odd occasion he would quickly finish our conversation and then be "unavailable" for a few days.
Then on a crisp sunny day at the end of October I bumped into Marius on my lunchbreak. He was his usual, smiley self and came up to give me a hug. I put my hand on his chest and stopped him, I didnt want him near me after finding out that he was in on some stupid bet on me.
When he asked me what was wrong I had to bite my tongue not to explode, but I told him what Dan had told me.
Marius looked at me and said that there was never a bet, Dan made that up and he was infact engaged and due to get married in a months time.
All I could say was : "Why??"
He couldnt answer that, but he did say that he was sorry that he hadnt said anything earlier.
Again I felt numb and I just couldnt understand why he hed lied to me?

A year later I bumped into Tom and Dan on another night out, I sarcastically asked Dan how married life was treating him to which he laughed and said "I am not married Maria, I never was"
I still dont know the truth about this story, I still dont know who was lying and who wasnt.

Earlier this week, speaking to Stevens friend, I got a sense of deja vu.
Would Steven really plan to "seduce" me in a way that I would move back to England just so that he could dump me as soon as I had arrived?
Would anyone actually be so cruel?
Or is the friend lying?
Or is this another way of weird entertainment?
To see if they can hurt me this way aswell?

All of my friends tell me that I am beautiful and I can get any man I want. And they dont understand why I dont believe in myself, or why I am convinced that men only want to hurt me, for their own entertaining.

Well this is why.
Because it has actually happened, it is not just something that I am imagining, making things up in my head about how the whole world is against me.
I dont think that the whole world is against me.
But yes, I do find it hard to trust people. I dont like to let anyone get too close to me or my heart.

So this is one option, I will sink, and carry on living in a bit of a blurr, without feeling anything, no pain, no disappointment, no anger.
But without the sadness, there can be no laughter and no happiness either.
So I have another road I can choose to travel for the rest of my life.
And I will talk about that another time, it is too late now, and I am drained after dragging out a memory I have worked hard to keep at the very back of my mind.



Best song to describe it all I guess...

Bad judge of character

Speaking to a friend of Steven this morning and I got a feeling of deja vu.
The friend tells me that Steven had told him that he would "mess me about" when I left.
Which is obviously charming. Steven always knew how to make someone feel special, in fact, he made it into a sort of mission.
This time it didnt work though, I know that he tried, he sent me some very sweet messages telling me how much he missed me and wanted me to come back. I missed him and thought it was sweet, but something in the pit of my stomach told me that it wasnt for real, so I didnt invest any emotions in trying to work my thoughts and feelings out.
I dont know what his plan really was or if his new girlfriend - who is expecting his baby - was in on it aswell, but I see no reason why I shouldnt tell one of the truths now?

When me and Steven broke up and I left for Sweden, we made a promise to each other, I promised that when I came to England for a visit I would always contact him and we would meet up for coffee or dinner if he had time. He promised not to ignore me.
So when I was coming over for Bettys birthday party in the beginning of June I emailed him and told him when I would be arriving and would he be free to meet up?
Within half an hour he replied that of course he wanted to meet up. And come to think about it, maybe we could have a "bonus night"?
I gently reminded him of his girlfriend to which he replied that nothing much was happening between them and they might not be together by the time I arrived.
I dont know why I didnt stop there, I should have done, because I knew exactly where we were heading. He asked if I remembered certain things from when we were together, and ofcourse I remembered.
He talked about all that he misses and now looking back on that conversation I wanted him to continue, I wanted him to tell me that his new girlfriend is nothing compared to me. Just so that I could have it on paper. Incase there would ever come a day when I might need it...
Like today.
He didnt in so many words say that, but he did write things which would have devasted me, had I still been his girlfriend and he wrote to someone else.
And in seeing it in black and white. I knew that he was never faithful to me in the way I think you should be when you say that you are devoted to another person.
Maybe she already knows, maybe she was dictating to him? What do I know?
And I dont need to know.

What I do wonder though.. Is the friend telling the truth?
He has no reason to lie, it doesnt make sense if he is.
But it wouldnt be the first time two guys have come together and in a cruel, warped way come up with a way of crushing my confidence into pieces. Just for their own entertainment.
That can not happen now though, because I have walked away, I am no longer investing in Steven. And there isnt any bit of gossip I hear from that way that I actually care about.

The story about the two brothers from Hull will however have to wait to be told.


Its more than OK actually..It is perfect.