Crossroads...

Am I standing at a crossroad? Or am I stumbling in the dark? Is it just a desperation to find something to hold on to? To make my own and help me find that inner peace?

I feel I can go two ways.
Either I will sink, and decide to spend the rest of my life on my own, because I got the final proof that I can not trust a man. Because I will end up hurt and humiliated everytime. I know that in this day and age it is not allowed to have bad thoughts about yourself and it is definately frowned upon if you say that you are not happy about the way you look.
If you are not happy with something, then you change it, like Nike says: "Just do it"
And it sounds so easy to "just change the way you go" and take another route and then BANG, there is your happiness...
But I have come to realise that there actually comes a point, when something inside says no, enough now, I dont want to play these games anymore.

I did say that I would write about the brothers another time, and I think now is the time.
I met Dan and his friend Marius in a nightclub back in 1999. Marius was dark and dangerouslooking and Dan was fair and seemed very shy.
Marius was always the one talking and joking and Dan would just look and smile and one day he told me I was pretty. We never exchanged numbers, it was just at the time when not everyone had mobilephones, and all phones didnt have the ability to send or recieve texts...
So we only bumped into each other once a month or so but I was always happy when I saw Dans blond hair and cute smile. After a while he started asking me "What would you say if I asked you out to dinner one night?" my answer was always the same "You wont know until you ask will you?" and I would smile my best smile. He would then nod and look serious and usually turn away and say something to Marius.
Then came christmas 2001 and me and Betty was having our annual christmasparty. Just her and me out on the town celebrating christmas. It was heaving with people and in the crowd was - obviously - Dan and Marius. Marius said something to Dan and pushed him towards me, Dan didnt say anything, just grabbed me and kissed me.

He then introduced me to his little brother who was out with them aswell - Tom -
I first thought that Tom was slightly...how shal I put it... "special" or "slow", he just looked odd, and I thought "What a lovely man Dan is, he takes his retarded brother out for a christmas drink"
After that Betty dragged me away and I didnt see Dan for the rest of the night, so no more christmas snogging.
In January was my birthday and me and Betty went out to celebrate and once again we bumped into Dan, Marius and Tom, whom I realised wasnt retarded, he was just very drunk before christmas.
Since I had a huge birthdaybadge pinned to my chest Dan asked if he could give me a birthday kiss, which I allowed him to do and this time Betty didnt drag me away.
Dan was a really good kisser and I felt like I was floating on a little pink cloud.
A little later I needed to go the ladies room and asked Dan to wait for me, this was a little trick I had started, to see if the guy I had pulled would stay or leave, a first test to see what sort of guy he was.
When I came back, he wasnt there, but instead in the middle of the dancefloor kissing another girl.
I wasnt upset, but not impressed either so I just stayed out of his way for the rest of the evening.
It then came to the summer of 2002 before I bumped into any of them again, this time it was Marius and Tom that was out, no Dan.
I started talking to Tom and he was quite funny, we swapped numbers and then he kissed me. Also very nice and nothing like his brother.
I can hear everyone thinking "You cheap tart" but at the end of the day, I was single and loved it.
So I decided to play the toilet card again and asked Tom to wait for me.
And he did, so he "passed" the test and I was happy, kissing a gorgeous (and on second look, not retardlooking) man.
I started seeing Tom, he was fun and charming and very good in bed.
One morning he told me he was going to the airport to pick up his brother (Dan) and his fiance. Yes fiance..I was a little bit surprised to hear that Dan was engaged, since only six months or so earlier he had kissed me (and another girl) but I thought it was his problem, not mine.
One night during Folk Week that summer I was out with Betty and her sister and some other girls and I knew that Tom would be out with Dan and Marius. Broadstairs is a small town so I knew I would bump into them sooner or later, and ofcourse we did. Tom came up and gave me a big hug and kissed me and when I turned to say hello to Dan he gave me a look that could have killed.. I was to say the least surprised at this anger coming from him, but thought maybe he was very drunk?
Betty and her sister went home and so did Dan and Marius, leaving me and Tom to wander around Broadstairs, hand in hand and when he kissed me goodnight I had started falling in love with him.

The weekend after that, Tom went up to Hull, where he and Dan are from, to go to a festival with some friends and me and Betty went out as per usual for a girls night. And bumped into Dan and Marius.
Dan grabbed me by the arm and gave me another one of the "Im going to kill you" looks and shouted: "My brother? You and my brother?? HOW COULD YOU??"
It took me a while to find my speach, I was in such a chock. Then I shouted back at him "What the hell is it to you, you are ENGAGED!!"
Now it was Dans turn to look chocked, and he said that he wasnt engaged, and where had I heard that?
He even nudged Marius and asked him if he was engaged. Marius looked me straight in the eye and said "He is not engaged"
To say that I was confused is an understatement and I dragged Dan outside so we could talk.

I told him what his brother had said, and Dan looked at me, with, what looked to me like pain in his eyes and said:
"He had a bet on you, him and Marius had a bet on who could get you into bed first" It was in the middle of August and the nights were still hot, but I remember that I went cold, I was shivering and couldnt breathe properly.
Dan went on telling me that he had loved me since the day he first met me, and had never been able to forget about me.
So I asked him why he never did anything?
Why didnt he fight for me?
He couldnt tell me...
He talked about what love really is, and that his brother doesnt know what love is, he doesnt care about girls, all he wanted was to get laid.

I went home that night and stayed awake for nearly four days.
I had read about people who couldnt sleep, who suffered from insomnia and was constantly awake. I never really believed it, because I had never had a problem falling asleep or staying asleep. But not now, my eyes just wouldnt close, I didnt cry, I just sat in the sofa, staring.
How could anyone be so cruel?
After two days I called Tom and screamed like a banshee, "A bet? I was a fucking bet to you? Is that all I was? You fucking arsehole!!! Dont you dare come near me ever again!!!" He tried to say something, but I wouldnt listen and he didnt call back, he didnt fight for me, so I took that as what his brother had told me was true. I tried to get hold of Dan, but he wouldnt pick up his phone or on the odd occasion he would quickly finish our conversation and then be "unavailable" for a few days.
Then on a crisp sunny day at the end of October I bumped into Marius on my lunchbreak. He was his usual, smiley self and came up to give me a hug. I put my hand on his chest and stopped him, I didnt want him near me after finding out that he was in on some stupid bet on me.
When he asked me what was wrong I had to bite my tongue not to explode, but I told him what Dan had told me.
Marius looked at me and said that there was never a bet, Dan made that up and he was infact engaged and due to get married in a months time.
All I could say was : "Why??"
He couldnt answer that, but he did say that he was sorry that he hadnt said anything earlier.
Again I felt numb and I just couldnt understand why he hed lied to me?

A year later I bumped into Tom and Dan on another night out, I sarcastically asked Dan how married life was treating him to which he laughed and said "I am not married Maria, I never was"
I still dont know the truth about this story, I still dont know who was lying and who wasnt.

Earlier this week, speaking to Stevens friend, I got a sense of deja vu.
Would Steven really plan to "seduce" me in a way that I would move back to England just so that he could dump me as soon as I had arrived?
Would anyone actually be so cruel?
Or is the friend lying?
Or is this another way of weird entertainment?
To see if they can hurt me this way aswell?

All of my friends tell me that I am beautiful and I can get any man I want. And they dont understand why I dont believe in myself, or why I am convinced that men only want to hurt me, for their own entertaining.

Well this is why.
Because it has actually happened, it is not just something that I am imagining, making things up in my head about how the whole world is against me.
I dont think that the whole world is against me.
But yes, I do find it hard to trust people. I dont like to let anyone get too close to me or my heart.

So this is one option, I will sink, and carry on living in a bit of a blurr, without feeling anything, no pain, no disappointment, no anger.
But without the sadness, there can be no laughter and no happiness either.
So I have another road I can choose to travel for the rest of my life.
And I will talk about that another time, it is too late now, and I am drained after dragging out a memory I have worked hard to keep at the very back of my mind.



Best song to describe it all I guess...