David oh David

I just thought I would share a photo with you with the man of the hour (is that what you say?) Look at him!
How can you NOT fancy the pants of him??



And also a song from season 2 of Angel.
Its not sung by Mr B himself but I just love it, the song has such a "summer night in LA" feel to it.
Hope you enjoy it
Both the song AND the photo (I wish I could say I took it myself..haha)

England vs Sweden

Ive just had a rather uncomfortable shower.
The water just wouldnt stay in a good temperature. That is one thing I certainly wont miss with living in this country, even when you have a power shower it wont stay the same temperature if someone runs the tap in the kitchen, so either you get scolded and risk 3rd degree burns or you will get frost bites.
What else wont I miss?
Having to pay council tax!
We dont have that in sweden
Drafty houses is another thing, only our summer houses are drafty and that is normally intentional for the "rustic charm"

And.....
Some English sense of humour....
I have to say, I find a lot of english humour is very funny, dry and sarcastic. And I have adjusted to it and become quite sarcastic myself at times
But if another person tells me "I rather be a swede then a turnip" I might have to beat them with a stick.

What will I miss?
Galxy chocolate..
Eastenders
X-factor
Big brother
And obviously my friends, my wonderful friends who are funny, patient, understanding and just generally great..

Im going round Alexandras tonight, maybe her lovely hubby will cook something yummy for us again or we will get pizza, but what ever we eat there will be a vast amount of alcohol which Im looking forward to.

The good and bad times

Yet again Ive woken up far too early for a day off.
Had a rather restless night, with weird dreams haunting me, I cant remember exactly what i was dreaming, but He was there (will he ever just bugger off...?)
The last time we talked he told me he is quite upset about the things Ive written about him here, which I can understand...
I certainly haven't painted a very good picture of him.
We were together for just over 2 years so of course everything wasn't bad, we did have good, fantastic times, but I'm not ready to share that just yet.

And I feel I might be ready to write about something else now, about new times, a new life in a (in a way) new country.

But for now, I think I'm done

Home alone?

Ive been home for just over an hour, when I came home the house was in total darkness and silence.
I realised that I was on my own in this massive house, where the lights only work when they want to.
Its not very often, but it has happened once or twice before that everyone apart from me goes away on the same weekend to visit their families and homes.

This evening i was however wrong..
They just came home, all together at the same time, which now made me realise that they are out gallivanting without me!!
That's not very friendly is it?
I probably wouldn't have gone with them if they asked...but it would have been nice to be asked.
I tend to drink more when I'm bored or nervous so I can see how that would have panned out....
Them: Conversing civilized over a bottle of red wine (between the 4 of them..)
Me: Drunk, sprawled on the sofa or sitting outside smoking too many cigarettes having drunk a whole bottle of white to myself.

We would as always get our conversations mixed up, like the time when I asked the 2 french girls if French people in general don't like American people?
They started talking about president Bush and what he stood for and french people don't like that and bla bla ( I got tired after a while...)
At the end of the monologue, one of them asked if that had answered my question?
Erm.......no I really only wanted to know since I had just watched the episode of SATC where Carrie is in Paris and falls over in Dior...and she was so embarrassed and didn't want to be "the American who fell in Dior"

They looked at me in almost disgust, and then said "We do nut watch Sex und ze zity"
Well shame on me for thinking that a marine biologist and another form of scientist would ever watch SATC.

So now they are all home, luckily I wasn't asleep because I would have been woken up and be in a very cranky mood by now.
you would have thought that academic scientists would know better than to run in stairs? (another thing I never understood is that how, when you weight less then 7 stone you can make the noise as a hoard of elephants?)
But they don't.
Its OK, its Friday night, got a lie in tomorrow and I'm getting my revenge by watching Angel and his fights rather loudly.

Torture..?

Are we just torturing ourselves now?
By talking and meeting up?
I feel such great sadness now, that it really is over, and I am leaving, I cant even look forward to my party...
So am I still doing the right thing?
I think I need to get away, to catch my breath and get some distance, and I think He does too.
It doesnt stop the pain in my chest though and I dont think it is much comfort to him either.

I am so scared,
For what will happen or not happen.
It is daunting, thinking about living in a different country...away from here, away from Him, will I ever see him again?

I guess tonight is a bad night, and I should turn off the computer and try to relax with a book and some good music?

Ultimate chill out day

Today have been very relaxed, Ive been in bed most of the day and had an "Angel marathon".
You see once I start, I cant just stop..I will watch it every free minute I have until I have watched the whole box set (told you I was a TV whore...)
I have a friend who is petrified of vampires, and believes that she will be killed by a vampire one day.

I cant say that I believe that myself but I like the stories about vampires in love, totally obsessed with each other, sometimes violently fighting, but at the same time unable to live without each other.

Not sure if i really would like to live forever, can you imagine having to pay bills forever?
And if you miss a payment you will be chased forever, unless you eat the bailiffs that is..haha

But back to my chill out day, I think I needed it, Im working a 15 hour shift tomorrow so needed to just have a day with lots of doing absolutely nothing.
Im thinking that I will be exhausted by this time tomorrow.
So Im now going back to that, doing absolutely nothing.

New series of Desperate Housewives is starting NOW

Things you do in your sleep..

A lot of people can vote for me when I say that I have the most bizarre dreams you will ever hear about.
When me and Alexandra lived together she sometimes waited for me to wake up and amuse her with that nights dreams and together we analyzed what the dream could mean over fresh bread and tea.

HE can also confirm weird things Ive told him happened in my head during the nocturnal hours and that I have in the past talked in my sleep. About going on a cruise to Spain to mention one..

I managed to go back to sleep for a few hours this morning, only to have a dream about my flatmates.
I dreamt that they were using my washing powder and fabric conditioner, and in an attempt to rescue my sweet smelling cleaning equipment I tried to hide it.
In a secret cupboard in the kitchen (that isn't there in the real world)
Now this is the time when I wake up, and this time I have not only talked in my sleep (maybe I haven't, because nobody is here to tell me what happened) but I have walked down the stairs and into the kitchen and I am busy trying to put the fabric conditioner in the freezer..
I don't know how long Ive been there but my fingers were freezing cold and there were a small wet puddle on the floor.

I suppose this is something that could disturb and scare me, but I have had bizarre dreams since I was a child, so to me it is more bizarre not to dream at all.
I used sleep walk a lot when i was a child and my mum put a safety chain on our front door to ensure I wouldn't walk out and hurt myself.
So I might start sleepwalking or talk in my sleep a bit more at this point in time, they do say it can increase at times of stress and unsettleness.
I just have to make sure I wear my pyjamas when i go to sleep and not a washed out vest and pants...

Horrible dreams

Yet again I'm awake too early, its my day off so had hopes of sleeping til at least 9.
But I woke from a dream about Him (obviously) we were in a theme park with some of his friends, and he proposed to me again.
Then i woke up, the pillow is wet with tears and I have an awful dull headache and a rumbling tummy. Really wish I had a blueberry muffin..

I'm hoping that having written this my demons will settle down for today and I can get some more sleep, I need to be fresh for my lunch date with my girl Alexandra later on.
And I will not start thinking about all the times he hurt me and let me down, today will be a good day.
Hope you all have a good day

Me and my blog..

Some people might think that I am being too public with my relationship with Him, that I'm not giving Him a chance to defend himself. Well maybe...but at the end of the day this is my blog, I write about my life and what I'm going through right now.
I'm not mentioning any names, so it is only people who know me, who will even know His name. And I'm not forcing anyone to carry on reading if they dont want to.

I suppose I could make up a name for Him, like Mr Big or something, (no then his head would explode..ha ha) but when I stared writing I couldn't think of anything suitable so he was just He or Him so now He has to stay that way.

I have absolutely no intention to make myself look or seem to be an angel because I'm far from it.
I make mistakes, I take sometimes bad decisions and I say things that sometimes hurt or offend people, at the end of the day I am human..
My blog is first and foremost a release for myself, a way to avoid explosion.
I write the same way that I live my life, from my heart, with emotions and hopefully passion.
I'm not starting some sort of witch hunt on Him and I don't want to embarrass or humiliate Him by writing about Him (well...maybe just a tiny teensy bit..)
He was such a big part of my life and i still love Him, but sometimes things don't work out the way you hoped, wished and wanted, and sometimes you cant part on 100% good terms even if you want to.

I know he never had any intention to hurt me, but he still did, more than once, and yes I'm aware that I have to take that responsibility as well, because I let him hurt me, over and over again.
I read somewhere once "He is only breaking your heart because you are allowing him to", I think that is very true..

So no more.
I have promised myself that i will never get that hurt again.

Rise and shine Sunshine

I have woken up with a pounding head this morning and I feel more tired than when I went to bed last night. In a way I feel hungover...but unless I sleepwalked and drank the vodka in the kitchen during the night? Maybe one of my flatmates came into my room and poured vodka into my mouth whilst I was asleep??

Things are slowly getting worse with the flat mates, this morning Momo shouted for the others, at the top of his lungs:
"RISE AND SHINE SUNSHINE"
Thats not very nice is it?
So shal I declare war and slam the door when I leave for an early shift at 7am?
Not much point because they are normally awake by then anyway, and they are still awake when I get hoe just after 10 at night.
So I will be a good house mate and suffer in silence.

Today Im sending off my letters of resignation, so it is now final..
I hope some one will miss me here

Inspiration, Ghosts?

The response to my blog have been amazing, I am so happy to hear that quite a few people read it and enjoy it.
Some of my friends have told me I should look into a writing course and maybe pursue a career in writing.
I am very flattered and I might actually do that, i would love to write a book, that would be sold in an actual book shop...

I have also been asked where I get my inspiration from? And how come I started writing a blog at all?

I have always enjoyed writing and received good marks for all my essays at school and college, and i even wrote a "book" when I was 12. (I must look through all the boxes in my mum's attic to see if it is still there...?)

But it was my best friend from school Susanne who inspired me to write a blog.
She writes a blog herself and the way she writes, the language and words she uses are to me a big inspiration.
I like to think that our blogs are different and not that I am just copying what she has written and puts my own spin on things, but sometimes after I have read her blog, something triggers a memory with myself and I write about that.
Otherwise it is my daily life that inspires me, I write about what goes on in my house, in my head and in my heart.

Thinking about Susanne it does trigger quite a few memories actually.
She was the one who got me interested in ghosts, we used to look through old books in search for "signs" and in hope of an old count or his maid would show themselves to us.
We sometimes dressed up as ghosts, but not in a sheet like some ammateur ghost...no we had watched a program that was aired every morning during the Christmas holiday where there was a little girl ghost so we knew what a real ghost looked like!, and how to talk to her if she felt safe enough to show herself to us.

I am still to this day very fascinated with spiritualism, I love shows such as "6th sense" with Colin Fry or Ghost whisperer is another favourite.
I'm still not sure if I believe 100% in ghosts or wandering spirits, I have seen a few things that to me could just a ghost, but I'm sure there is someone out there who can prove it was just steam from the laundry room or my imagination playing tricks on me.
I however thinks it could be nice if it was true...
And they could talk, and not scare me senseless.

Too early..

So the house mates woke me up again!
In a hope to scare them I just went out with my hair like a birds nest and gave them (in my mind) my scariest dirty look, before heading for the bathroom.
When i came out Nam smiled weakly at me and said: "You sleep?"
"Well I was!"
And they all (including Nam's bf) mumbled "Sorry"
They are such wimps I really cant be angry with them....

But now I'm awake and need to start planning the day, before I go to work.
Have a good Monday everyone

End of the day

The rest of today has been fairly relaxed, Ive just chilled out and watched my box set of "Angel".
David Boreanaz is the most gorgeous man I have ever seen!
His torso is lush and I literally drool when he takes his top off........
Watching something that isn't based on reality (and the chances of it ever becoming reality is rather slim) have provided me with a well deserved respite from my own feelings and emotions and I found myself having completely switched my brain off after a couple of hours.

I then went to see another of my favourite people in the whole world, Shelley.
She is helping me plan and organise my leaving party next month.
I love party planning, but I always find myself in a total panic when I'm organising my own parties.
What if nobody turns up?
What if I run out of food?
What if no one eats the food?
What if my nails fall off in the dip? (i have a story about me and false nails...)
What if I get too drunk and make a fool of myself?
And what if the outfit i will pick out very carefully makes me look like a heffa??

So yes just a few things I worry about...

I have also started sorting things out from my boxes i have stored in Shelley's garage.
Things I wont take with me back to Sweden and will sell to a girl at work since she has just got her own new flat and hasn't even got a saucepan, bless her.
It made me a bit upset to go through all the stuff, things we used to have in our home.
But I reasoned that there is no point to cling on to plates, cups or bowls just because it will remind me of our dinner times together, so I will start completely afresh when I get home and buy new things that are just mine.
It will take time, maybe even a long time, but I will be fine.

I will now snuggle up in my bed with the rest of "Angel" to watch.
I will sleep well tonight and have sweet dreams of a dark handsome man who will rescue me from the bad guys.
Hopefully he will not wear a shirt and carry me in his arms while I rest my head on his smooth, muscular torso. (I DID say it would be in my dreams...)

Hop, Skip and a week

Strange how your life can take a complete turn in the matter of a week.
It took me less than a week to change my mind about going back to Sweden, then less than one more week to change back again....

I am upset, and i feel I have a right to be upset.
We had plans Friday night, I talked to him several times during the day and every time he reassured me that we were still on for the evening.
At 4pm he txt me (he couldn't even be man enough to call me) saying that he was too tired and just wanted a bath and go to bed..
At 4 o'clock in the afternoon????????
But he promised we would meet up tonight, he would treat me to dinner and we would have some quality time together.
We met up yesterday morning, when i was lucky enough to get 2 hrs whilst he got ready for work, and I had the privilege to scrub his back in the bath.
Whilst he was in the bath and i was sitting on the toilet (lid down..) he received a txt message which he asked me to read.
"How is sexy today? xxxx" it read..

He tried to say he didn't know who it was from but I know its from the girl who works next door to him.....and whom he met up with 2 weeks ago and they kissed.
I suppose I could be insulted by how stupid he thinks I am....but it does have its advantages.....

Before he went to work he again promised me that we would have the night together tonight.But when I spoke to him again this morning he said he had "forgotten" that he always have dinner with his mum on Sundays.
When I reminded him about his promise to me I got a gruntled "Well I forgot" reply back...
So I asked if he would still spend the night here with me but he said "He cant"

I have had enough of broken promises now.
And I realise that this is what the rest of my life will be like if i stay...
There will always be someone else whom I have to compete with for his attention...

So I have decided.
I'm going.
If he doesn't bother to contact me, well then I suppose he will have to read it here, or hear it from someone else.

I was prepared to give up everything for him, so that we could be together, but what is the point when he wont give up anything?

Early awakening....

Ive woken up far too early today, with a heavy, fuzzy head and my belly still feels full from last nights indulgence.
I went round my wonderful friends house and the plan was to wonder down to our favourite bar in the harbour.
We never made it that far though, but settled comfortable in her sofa and let her husband cook for us.
We ate warm chicken salad and french crunchy bread, my favourite meal for a night with good friends.
For afters we made the the best Swedish pudding there ever was: Meringue swiss!
Its similar to what the English people call "Eaton mess", but instead of strawberries we have bananas and we add lots of chocolate sauce as well. YUM!!
When me and Alexandra were in college we used to make a huge bowl of this, with the intention of dishing it up in smaller bowls and keep some for later...somehow we never got that far, the bowl was placed between us and we ate all of it while watching TV and chatting for hours.

After dinner we drank a few alcoholic beverages but instead of liven us up it calmed and mellowed us down, so I decided to walk home before I fell asleep in the comfortable sofa and her husband would have to carry me home (and THAT would not have been pretty)

I came home to a silent house and settled in my lovely bed with my fluffy pillows, only to be woken up a few hours later when the house mates came home and decided that right outside my room would be the best place to be when you are having a loud drunken conversation.
In my fuzzy condition I decided that enough was enough and flung my door open and snapped at them: "People are trying to sleep on times when you might be awake" and then slammed the door shut.
I'm not sure what I thought that would achieve and I'm not sure the phrase "on times when you are awake" was meant to mean.....but that was what came out of my mouth, so...

I am now awake and don't seem to be able to go back to sleep and I'm seriously craving a blueberry muffin and fresh juice.
Unfortunately the shops don't open until 10am on a Sunday in this country, so I will have to make do with summer fruit squash and reading my book instead.

Have a great Sunday everyone.

Fate? Destiny?

I woke up feeling better this morning and actually see things a bit clearer.
Is it fate? or destiny?
Do we really have control of what happens in our life?
Can we actually use phrases such as "Its fate" or "Its my destiny"?
Since I am a romantic at heart I am torn between the romance of not being able to control your life, universe will let people into our lives when it see it suitable....and everyone will come to me for a reason and a purpose that has been decided by "the universe".
But then again, do I really want to live my life without having any kind of "say" myself?
Cant I decide for myself what i want to do and who i want in my life?
Is "destiny" and "fate" just a lazy mans way out of making a decision?
Should we not take some responsibility for our own lives?
To what happens to ourselves and the people around us?
And the fact that what we do will affect the people we love and care about, isn't that something we need to take responsibility for?

I talked to Him before going to sleep last night, I tried to get him to see that I don't actually like living in this house with 4 strangers who don't care about me and who I don't care about either....
And he said "that is not my fault"
I didn't say anything, but I felt: "Well it is a little bit your fault....had you not cancelled our wedding I wouldn't be living here now..."
I would be living with him, in our flat.....

So is this "fate"? or "destiny"?
Whats the difference?
Has this been a time to reflect and gather our thoughts?
Are we now ready to move on?
Is now the time when we want the same things in life?

Or can we just leave it in the hands of "fate"? and trust that we will be happy with the outcome?
Or do we actually need to take some responsibility for our own lives?

Will i ever really forgive him for cancelling the wedding?
Can I guarantee that I wont become bitter if he never asks me the question again?
And even if he did, would I be able to forget the past and trust that he wont do it again?

Maybe it is actually time for me to take responsibility for my life, and what i do with it?

And bring people into my life who can take responsibility for their own actions and wont stick their heads in the sand when "the going gets tough"...

100 truthts about me

I recieved yet another "note" on facebook today, for some reason it seems like these lists are taking over cyber space....but since Im at a place in my life where i want people to know as much as possible about me (and this might be a bit of fun distraction from my previous somewhat depressing post...)

So here we go...another 100 trutts you didnt know about me....



1. Last beverage→ Summer fruit squash
2. Last phone call→ Steven
3. Last text message→ Steven
4. Last song you listened to→ Goodbye my lover - James Blunt
5. Last time you cried-> 2 hours ago

SIX HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Dated someone twice → yup
2. Been cheated on?→ yes
3. Kissed someone?→ yes
4. Lost someone special?→ yes
5. Been depressed?→ yes
6. Been drunk and threw up? → yes

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:
1. Black
2. Green
3. White

HAVE YOU:
1. Made new friends → yes
2. Fallen out of love → yes
3. Laughed until you cried → yup
4. Met someone who changed you→ yes
5. Found out who your true friends were → yes
6. Found out someone was talking about you → yes
7. Kissed anyone on your friend's list → List? Maybe?
8. How many people on your friends list do you know i real life → All of them
9. How many kids do you want to have→ 2
10. Do you have any pets → Dust bunnies?
11. Do you want to change your name→ If the life style comes with Ill change to Paris hilton......
12. What did you do for your last birthday → Drinking flirtinis and Tartinis
13. What time did you wake up today 06.30am
14. What were you doing at midnight last night → Talking on the phone
15. Name something you CANNOT wait for → Happiness to settle in my heart
16. Last time you saw your father - Christmas
17. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → Never getting that first loan...
18. What are you listening to right now → TV SATC
19. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom → Yup ;-)
23. What's getting on your nerves right now? → Not knowing how he feels or what I want
24. Most visited webpage → Facebook....or Youtube

1. What's your name→ Maria
2. Nicknames→ Mia
3. Relationship Status → Single
4. Zodiac sign→ Capricorn
5. Male or female or transgendered→ Female
6. Primary→ care? What?
7. Middle School Ribersborg
8. High school → Slottis
10. Hair color → Blonde
11. Long or short → long ish
16. Height → 5ft 11
17. Do you have a crush on someone? → kind of....
18: What do you like about yourself? → Not sure at the moment....
19. Piercings → Ears
20. Tattoos → 1
21. Righty or lefty-right

FIRSTS :
22. First surgery → None yet...
23. First piercing → ears
24. First best friends → Sara Larson
26. First sport you joined- Triathlon (yes......)
27. First pet → Hamster
28. First vacation→ Austria I think...
29. First concert → NKOTB..
30. First crush → Sebasian (I think....)

RIGHT NOW:
49. Eating → nothing
50. Drinking → Summer fruit squash
51. Already missing → The good old days....
52. I'm about to → Watch some more tv
53. Listening to → tv
55. Waiting for → A phone call

YOUR FUTURE :
58. Want kids? → yes
59. Want to get married? → Hmmm, still too hard to think about...
60. Careers in mind? → Actress? Otherwise Im happy in the care sector

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
68. Lips or eyes → Lips
69. Hugs or kisses → Cant have one without the other.....
70. Shorter or taller → Taller!!
71. Older or Younger → Doesnt matter, not more than 10 years either way though....
72. Romantic or spontaneous → Both
73. Nice stomach or nice arms → Arms
74. Sensitive or loud → Sensitive
75. Hook-up or relationship → Hook up then relationship?
77. Trouble maker or hesitant→ Somewhere in the middle....

HAVE YOU EVER :
78. Kissed a stranger → Yes
79. Drank hard liquor → Yes
80. Lost glasses/contacts → no
81. Had sex on 1st date - yes
82. Broken someone's heart → Not as far as I know...
83. Had your own heart broken → yes
85. Been arrested → no
86. Turned someone down → yes
87. Cried when someone died → yes
88. Liked a friend that is a girl? → Sort of....

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself → Not at the moment....but ill get there
90. Miracles → Nja........dont think so....
91. Love at first sight → No, but lust at first sight
92. Heaven → Yes definately
93. Santa Clause → haha yes ive met him
95. Kiss on the first date? → Otherwise its not a date.....
96. Angels → Yes

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → Yes
98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? → No!
100. Posting this as 100 Truths? → Yes

When you realise...

Once again I sit in darkness, trying to see clear, but it hurts so much.
When you realise that he doesnt love you as you love him, and even though you try so hard, it becomes clear that you wont get the happy ending.

When it is more important for him to have a dog, than to have me...
When somehow it is me who looks the bad guy, by not compromising on this since he in the past compromised on a lampshade...
What about the fact that I really dont want to have a dog?
That Im not intrested in "potty train" a dog or have my furniture chopped into firewood?

My heart is once again breaking when I wonder how this is going to work?
When its very obvious to me that if i dont want a dog, then he doesnt want me..
Or at least he is not doing anything to show me different and reassure me that is not the case.

So what do I do?
Accept that i will never be first priority for him?
And live in the back ground?
Or..?
When hell freezes over I wish he would send this song to me..and mean it...LOL

Bleeping smoke alarm......

Another thing that is rather annoying when you rent a property in this country is trying to get hold of your landlord when something goes wrong..
The smoke alarm in my bedroom are running out of battery, so it is giving out a very high pitch beeping noise every 3 minutes.
Just as Ive relaxed and forgotten about the previous beep it goes off again...

So I called my landlord who very conviniently is in London, and wont be back until tomorrow, her partner is in Petersborough and wont be back until late tonight...

Since the property is from the Victorian era you can imagine how high the celings are, they are beatiful, but when Im standing on a chair and stretching every inch of my 5ft11'' body and still cant reach the celing, you can understand my frustration.

I wonder if it has eyes?
Because when I leave the room it doesnt make a noise, I even stood outside just to check my theory...
I sat on the stairs reading my book for a good 15 mins and it was quiet, but as soon as I went back in, the beeping started again..
call me crazy...but I think there is someone watching me, playing tricks on me...
Well, two can play that game... Im going to work soon and coming back with a big stick to beat it with tonight if its not quiet.

Time in darkness

Ive sat in my room with the lights off until just recently.
I just sat, and let the thoughts run free.
This can be both good and bad i suppose, however at this point in time maybe I should have tried to take control over them a bit more.
I was hoping that this exercise would give me more clarity, and not intensify the pain in my heart.

As i switched my computer on I was surprised and overwhelmingly touched by the messages my friends (and a few new people) had sent me.
It made my fairly hardened heart melt, because they made me feel truly loved and I once again felt very blessed for the fact that I have the best friends in the whole world.
They show me that actually, sometimes fairy tales come true, at least to the point that you can meet people who will be there with you, for you, until the end of time.
If it is to laugh with, talk to or cry on their shoulders, they are there.
Forever.

Maybe i will spend some more time in the dark tomorrow...
But for now I'm done.

Who needs enemies...?

Everything is very quiet around me...
My phone doesn't beep, letting me know I have a text, neither is it ringing and my email inbox is empty..
I don't really mind, I'm surprised at how peaceful I feel, but at the same time sad.
I thought that the people I call my friends were just that, Friends.
But I suppose its true what they say, it's in the hard times that you will find out who your true friends are.

Thankfully we live in a free world and we are entitled to our own opinions, but does that mean that we have the right to judge those who don't share our opinions?
Does that give us the right to shut our friends out when they need us the most, because they might choose to live their life in a way I wouldn't do myself?
Do you tell a friend that I wont listen to you anymore, you are too annoying?

Or do you just accept that we are different?
That we choose to live different lives?
And its not down to me to decide how you should live your life, because that way it suits me better?

But at least I will know, when this is over, who are my true friends, who wont turn their backs to me if I choose to do something that is different to their own choices or when my opinion is different to theirs.

And those who are left, will know when to tell me their way of thinking and when to say:
"Talk to me, tell me everything" and then just listen, because as only my true friends know.....:

After a while I will get tired of my own voice and stop talking, and i will have solved my own problem

Time for a Jumbo decision....

...is the headline on the cover of our local paper this week.
If the council says yes, there will be jumbo jets flying over this part of England from as early as May, but only with cargo..

The headline made my stomach flip over...because all of a sudden the decission I had made didnt seem so definite as it was 2 weeks ago.
Agains my friends advice i have been seeing him this week, and this weekend culminated in a romantic explosion.
On thursday night we talked on the phone and i asked him if he thouht we had given up too easily?
(I can hear how my friends are slapping their foreheads and screaming NOOOOOOO at their computers..)
It is now 12 months ago our problems became too big and we separated, and I feel that if we were not meant to be then by now we would be saying "I hate you and dont ever want to see you again" or "It was fun, take care, have a good life"
We shouldnt be pining for each other and feel that our right arm is about to be chopped off as the day for my depature is coming closer....

He told me that all he wanted was for us to be together, and he has never stopped loving me....that I am the 1.....

We both needed time to think about what we were about to do and gave each other some time and space but 2 days later I found myself outside his house, my heart was in my mouth and my legs were shaking.
At that point I knew: "It's not logic, it's love"
I took the steps 2 at a time and then I was in his arms again, sobbing and hugging him and kissing him and telling him I cant leave.
I want to stay here and be with him and be happy, even if we have to live in a one bedroomm flat without garden.

So yes, it is time for my jumbo decission....Do I break my parents hearts? Or do I break my own?

Valentines night, part 2

On Thursday afternoon I found myself wondering if my housemates would go away this weekend, since it is Valentines after all and their boyfriends (and girlfriend) lives in France and up in Birmingham.
When I came home last night I was in for a treat however.
They had all come down HERE for the weekend.
My housemates are OK, we never have any disputes and as Ive said before I don't see them much due to my unsociable working hours
But as I walked into the kitchen last night after a lovely but draining evening with him I was greeted by 8(!) people sitting in the kitchen polishing off a romantic dinner. It must have been the 4 french people cooking...because every single pan was in the sink and the smell of garlic hit me in the face like a brick wall.

I just got a drink and retired to my bedroom and shortly after I could hear them all coming up the stairs and going to their bedrooms.
The only thing i was thinking about was to be allowed to drift off into a deep dreamless slumber, but fate wanted different.

I was blissfully thinking that the walls in this house are more or less soundproof since the only time I can hear my house mates are when they are walking up and the stairs.
Last night I was proven wrong, so today I went to buy earplugs, since I'm going to work early tomorrow morning and I can already hear the bed springs above me, even though I'm playing my music louder than appropriate at 11.30pm

So I will bid you all a goodnight, I hope it was magic and that you got yours

Valentines day...

With today being the most romantic day of the year I decided to dissect and get to the bottom with where this horrendous day actually stems from?
So I googled it and this is what came up on my screen:

The day was originally a pagan festival that was renamed after two Early Christian martyrs named Valentine. The day became associated with romantic love in the circle of Geoffrey Chaucer in the High Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished.


Pagan??
I would never have associated Pagans with Valentine's day...

So I then googled "St Valentine" and something completely different popped up on my screen...

There are varying opinions as to the origin of Valentine's Day. Some experts state that it originated from St. Valentine, a Roman who was martyred for refusing to give up Christianity. He died on February 14, 269 A.D., the same day that had been devoted to love lotteries. Legend also says that St. Valentine left a farewell note for the jailer's daughter, who had become his friend, and signed it "From Your Valentine". Other aspects of the story say that Saint Valentine served as a priest at the temple during the reign of Emperor Claudius. Claudius then had Valentine jailed for defying him. In 496 A.D. Pope Gelasius set aside February 14 to honour St. Valentine.

So...?
What to believe?
I think I will believe that it is a crap day when you are single and there are no red/pink envelopes posted through my letterbox.
If you are in a relationship its a day with extremely high expectations on you to "prove" how much you love your partner.
It doesn't seem to matter that the day before he/she picked up your dry cleaning, cooked the most amazing duck a l'orange, had cleaned the house and was standing at the ready with a glass of wine as you come through the door prepared to rub your tired, aching feet....
On Valentines day he fell asleep on the sofa!!!
Totally unacceptable...!
Why does it matter?

So what am I doing tonight?
I'm tucked up in bed, with a seriously scary film to watch and I'm boycotting St Valentines.

Hope the rest of you are having a lovely fuzzy day

Kids say (and do) the funniest things

Earlier this morning I talked to my good friend Sally, I called her up for some advice on the dilemma I'm in at the moment and which is making my poor head spin so much I'm scared it might actually spin off my neck soon.

As always I got some sound advice, she is very wise my Sally and if we were Indians she would have been our tribes "wise woman".

Sally's four children are my god children, or OFFICIALLY only one of them - Brendan- is my god son, but I'm very close to them all and I adore them like they were my own.
I have been there trough the pregnancies apart from the oldest - Cameron - who was 11 months old when I met him the first time, and Ive watched them grow into individuals in their own right.
So today Sally tells me about the past week and what has happened in their household.
They woke up on Monday morning to a white world.
About a foot of snow had fallen over night and all the schools were closed, so they had a lovely day playing in the garden making a snow fort etc etc
The next day the world wasn't white any more but more brown/black from all the fumes from the cars.
Sally had said to Bronwen (their daughter and second eldest child)
"I hate it when the snow goes black like this"
To this Bronwen had replied "Yes I suppose you didn't have it like this when you went to school mummy, because you went to school in a wagon didn't you?"
Its funny how children think that because you are an adult you must be at least 100 years old, or as in Sally's case 600 and living in the little house on the prairies....

She then told me that Brendan (who is 7!!!!!) has a girlfriend.. who he is kissing..
Well that didn't rally chock me, i was kissing boys when I was 7...behind the bike shed (cliche or what?)
But today he had asked Sally to go Tesco and buy: A card, a box of chocolates, a BIG cuddly teddy bear AND a heart shaped balloon so that he could give it to her.
I mean the boy has style, he knows what valentine is all about, I'm very proud of him.

So what happened to darling Cameron then?
Well he has a crush on a girl called Katie apparently and have been working up the courage to ask her out all week. So yesterday he thought it perfect since next week is half term and they can meet up and go swimming or something.
So he started off with asking her "for a quick word"in private, but just as he was about to say something another class spilled out from the classroom and actually knocked them to the floor, so that was obviously not a good timing.
A bit later he asked her again but all her girlfriends came round the corner and dragged her with them so again he missed his chance (bless him)
Obviously by the end of the day poor Cam was feeling a bit desperate so he stood up and just blurted out "Katie will you go out with me?" in front of some other children in the school.
Unfortunately Katie didn't her him...but ANOTHER girl who is obviously also called Katie stands up and says "I don't know who you are but yeah OK ill go out with you"
Isn't that classic film material?
So Cameron now has to break up with a girl he doesn't know, because she was desperate (she must have been right? otherwise you don't agree to a date with someone you don't know do you?)
I admire Cameron though, I didn't have the courage to ask anyone out when I was 12 and i still haven't now, when I'm 33.
My friends have told me my whole life "Just do it, what is the worse that can happen?"
Well now let me see...1) He could hear me, and laugh!!
2) I could die! I could just drop down dead!
So there, that's why I don't ask men out (and POSSIBLY why I'm still single..)

Me like an American?

I am watching a program about making it big in Hollywood, or I shouldnt say that im watching it because its on in the background and Im also listening to music so I cant really follow what they are talking about.
I did however catch parts of a conversation about how shallow American people are.
Obviously I wont judge ALL Americans on the ones Ive had the (mis?)fortune to meet, but I have to say I kind of agree, a little bit, that Americans can sometimes come across as slightly shallow.
I suppose its the way they smile at you when you walk into a shop, I always wonder if they have more teeth than us Europeans?
It looks like there are at least 50 teeth, always so bright withe that sun glasses should be provided by the door so not to blind you.
And then with all these teeth they say "Hi how are ya today?" "Where have ya been Today?" "What can I help ya with today?"
Why do they need to know where Ive been?
If they dont aprove does that mean Im not allowed to shop with them?

When you leave they walk you to the door and again blind you with all those teeth and "Have a nice day now" is normally in the repitoire aswell....

This brings me back to one cold rainy evening when I was still living in Sweden, so I guess I could have been 18 or 19 years old..?
I had been to the cinema (and fell asleep in the chair) with some friends and was standing by the bus stop waiting for the bus to take me home.

A man comes up to me and asks for the time and then just casually asks me:
"You are like an American arent you?"
Erm....what do you answer to that?
He carries on saying "You look sort of shallow"
I still dont know what to say but feel rather insulted to be attacked like this and called shallow by a complete stranger who Ive never met before. Hmpf!

I think it was shortly after that I decided not to move to America but to go to London instead and thankfully nobody has ever accused me of being shallow again.
I did however get mistaken for Madonna in Leicester square once...
But after the two youngsters went on to call my (female and white) friend "Dennis Rodman" I realised they must be affected by some A class drug...and I couldnt be neither flattered or offended.....
I think my friend was however crushed for weeks after


(I would put a picture of Madonna and Dennis Rodman here but I still havent figured out how to, watch this space....it will happen)

Two months....

I bumped into an old colleague today who with a beaming smile told me "I'm married now! Can you believe it?"
Er actually no I cant....

I told her that I'm moving back to Sweden in two months time and invited her to my leaving party.
After we said goodbye it hit me like thunder...I am leaving, I am actually leaving this place.
In two months time I will be back in Sweden, in my old room in the same house my parents have lived in for 30 odd years.

I am really scared.
And I just don't understand it....
When two people love each other and tell each other they still love each other why cant they work things out?
We don't live in the 17Th century and this is a tragic but oh so romantic love story...
This is us! We live in the 21st century!
He told me not to analyze things that cant be analyzed...
And that he thinks we are ment to be together, just not in this lifetime.

How can i not do that when my heart is still breaking, piece by piece and the pain in my chest is physical pain.
Like someone has stabbed me with a knife and is slowly turning the blade until the point where I can no longer breathe.

Not so peaceful anymore.....

My inner peace didn't last that long unfortunately.
I'm now wide awake again, thoughts spinning round and round in my head.

I started smoking again....
Had been really good and not smoked for over a month, then yesterday i had the urge to french kiss my colleague just to suck the nicotine from his lunges...so I caved....and bought a packet of 10..
I will give up for real, at another time and another place.

Right now I will look at the moon, drink something warm and comforting and smoke.

My prayers answered....?

Driving home from work tonight I drove down by the beach, the moon was reflecting in the the sea which made it look very peaceful and magical.
I wished I had had my camera with me but then remembered that it I have lost it, or rather it was sold for drug money without my permission..
When I came home I had received a message from a friend which ended with a prayer. (below)
I don't know if it is just the prayer or the look of the sea tonight or a combination of both but i am feeling very relaxed and at peace with myself.
Hopefully i will be able to sleep tonight, without thought about things that cant be changed no matter how much I want them to and preferably without any eye-eating-maniacs trying to climb through my window.
I haven't looked under the bed yet, better do that first, just to make sure there are no maniacs (eye-eaters or not) lurking under there just waiting for me to fall asleep.
Enjoy the prayer

'May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are.
Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.'

Scary movie

I have a love/hate relationship with horror films, they affect me in the most ridiculous way to the point where I'm convinced that "the bad guy" is waiting for me to slice me, stab me or eat parts of me.
You would think that since these are my feelings towards them I would avoid the like the plague?
That is not the case unfortunately,I still have an almost perverted desire to watch them as long as I'm not on my own.Yesterday I watched "Black Christmas" which is about girls in a Kappa kappa delta house (or whatever it is called) at Christmas time. They are about to open their presents but have to open Billy's present first.
So who is Billy and why does he get a present in a house full of girls??
Billy was a boy who used to live in that very house, his mother didn't like hi and locked him in the attic, where he lived for years to come. (as they do...)This obviously affected poor Billy in a bad way and one day he managed to get out from the attic and he killed his whole family by suffocating them with a plastic bag and rip their eyes out to then eat them....(yes...he did..)

So where does the kappa kappa delta girls fit into this?
Well they obviously live in the same house as Billy did all those years ago, so now they are being picked off one by one....by being suffocated by a plastic bag and someone eats their eyes (you never get to see by whom) I didn't watch the end because it dawned on me that I would in fact be sleeping alone....

I have a rather vivid imagination so at 01.30 this morning I was still wide awake, my room was too warm but I didn't dare to open the window just in case some one would climb up a ladder and eat my eyes.
I'm sure more strange things has happened, somewhere ......



Where's Billy?

A romour has proven to be true......

One of my favourite people on this planet is Micke who lives in Hollywood. We got to know each other in September of 1994 when he was doing work experience and I worked in the cafe of THE amateur theatre company in our town.
He was always dressed in black jeans and black roll neck jumper and I thought he looked like a poet. I decided that he must be around 22 years old (I was 18) and just what I needed at that time in my life.

We became firm friends even though not in THAT way for reasons I may or may not talk about another time. Neither was he 22 but 15 years old.
He went on to study in Australia and then worked in London and Stockholm for a while before he set his sight on Hollywood and moved there approx 15 months ago (i think)
He actually lives IN Hollywood, only the other day was I talking to him, he asked me to stay online, he would be back in 5Min's, just needed to get coffee (or whatever) from next door.
When he came back to me ha said "Ha ha, I just ran into Mr Big"
It took approx half a milli second for my brain to kick start into gear and yell at my laptop: "WHAT???? THE Mr Big????????????"
And apparently yes it was.....

With that we started our favourite conversation SATC!
He told me a few months back that he had heard rumours about a sequel to the movie would be made.
I thought about it and couldn't really figure out what it would be about...Carrie and Big got married, Charlotte has her wonderful family, Miranda and Steve sorted their problems and Samantha is having as much sex as she possibly can....
So what else could there be to write about?
But today I read (and i cant even remember WHERE I read it) that its TRUE!!

Michael Patrick King is apparently so busy with his "sex lives" he wont even be attending the Oscars this year!!
I am vastly excited to once again get to curl up in a cinema to watch 4 of my favourite ladies on the silver screen.
I just hope nobody will have to go through the kind of heart break Carrie did in the first film, i don't think my poor bleeding heart could handle it one more time.



YESSSSSSSS Its TRUE!!!!

Romantic men??

Well I only made it to work for a couple of hours today.
Normally when I feel under the weather I just dose myself up with vitamin C and get on with it, but when you vomit in a clients lap it is time to go home.

But before that unfortunate incident I heard something funny but true on the radio.

With this week leading up to Valenties day it is obviously a lot of romantic slush everywhere (slush which I used to love, but somehow not this year) and on this particular radio show they were talking about romantic men (yes I also asked do they really exist?)
But apparently someone somewhere has done a study and come up with that men from Hull are the most romantic men, the men in Kent (where I live) didn't even make the top 10.....
When I heard that I thought, well actually...I can agree on that.....
Not that Ive dated men from every county in England and can give a 100% accurate and fair verdict on the subject...
BUT I have been lucky enough to date not one but 4 men from Hull (and a few from Kent) and I have to say the Hull men win hands down.

To start off with its the accent....I don't know why but it makes my knees tremble.
The way they pronounce my name gives me butterflies and I feel the need to giggle like a little girl.
They know how to treat a girl and NEVER ask "to go dutch" when they take you out and I remember one particular evening about a month after Valentines day when i received a txt message from the lovely Mr R asking if he could come and visit me?
Well of course...when he turned up on my doorstep he was holding one, long stemmed, perfect, red rose, and he had me at "Hello"
The next morning he left, I didn't ask where he was going or if he would come back because in my heart i knew he wouldn't, but it didn't matter.

So if we then compare with the men from Kent that I have met...
It normally starts with a txt message asking "What are you doing?" Do you want to pick me up and I can come round yours? And then drop me off back home tomorrow morning?
Oh aren't I the luckiest girl alive?
And if I'm really really lucky I might get treated to a Chinese which I have to pick up and then get reimbursed at a later date.

The last time I met Him I didn't ask if I would see Him again, because I know I will but in my heart it doesnt matter anymore.

I dream of teeth

It seems that I am now suffering with mild insomnia. Looking at the time and it is showing 05.14..a time when the last thing I want to do is to be awake.
But something in my subconsious obviously decided that it was time to wake me from my deep slumber, and urge me to switch on my laptop.
I remember dreaming that I lost my teeth again, this is a dream that has occured many of times in the past so i look it up in my dream dictionary and this is what it says: Teeth are a traditional sympol of aggression and appetite. Dreaming of dental problem or of loosing your teeth are very common, and signifies fear of impotence and reduced authority
Well I suppose I can go along with the anger bit, Im not at my calmest, most peaceful or tranquil state of mind at present.
But still, I will try to get another hours sleep before I go to work to do a 15 hrs shift today. Typical.

Bittersweet goodbye?

I am the first to hold my hands up and admit that I am a bit of a Tv whore. I love watching telly, and its on pretty much all the time in my house. But for some reason I never watched "One tree hill". If it was because it was aired on a channel i didnt have or it was at the same time that Friends, Desperate Housewives, Ghost whisperer or SATC Im not sure.....but I know nothing about the carachters or what they went through.

Today I was however introduced to two of them called Brooke and Lucas or aparently Brucas as they are called.....

I was having my daily fix of songs on Youtube earlier on today and decided that James Blunt was just what I needed....on came "Goodbye my lover" and there was Brucas saying goodbye and remembering their good and bad times.

So, since I am who I am, I like to torture myself with the good and bad memories I did just that...

Remembered.......

But for some reason there was mostly the bad that reared its ugly head tonight.

The times when he left me on my own when I needed him the most, just because he needed his daily fix, the times when I checked his phone (yes I know that is not allowed) just to find messages to other girls who he would tell he wanted to know what they "taste" like and then there was the times when I had gone to bed and he would sit on the computer and talk to women til 3am.

What upset me the most was when I came to use the computer and he had forgotten to close down his latest conversation (of course I looked, who wouldnt?) and he comletely denied my excistence. He would say that he hadnt found the right girl yet.

So why didnt I break it off then?

Because there were good times aswell.....

Like the first Valentine we spent together, we were both broke but he cooked for me and served up the food in a heart shape. And like the time I was having a bad time at work and he had lit every candle we owned in the lounge, run me a bath and then held me until I fell asleep in his arms.
Or everytime he smiled at me.
That gorgeous, sexy smile which would make his eyes sparkle.

We are over now and its with mixed emotions I look back on our time together.

I desperately want to look back and smile, but...when he is still lying to me...its difficult not to have a bittersweet feeling in my tummy.

Caught red handed......

As I have mentioned in previous posts I live in a house share for time being. Its a big old Victorian house and there is 5 of us living here.

Im the only one who doesnt have a 9-5 job, so my time routine is somewhat "off" from the others, which means I never eat at the same time as they do, I dont get up at the time they do so I never have to stand in line for any of the bathrooms.

This suits me perfectly since I somehow feel that the house is actually mine and i live here on my own (the fact that I never venture past the 2nd floor and dont even know what it looks like up there doesnt matter, I hate stairs)

I suppose this has spoiled me somehow and Im not as careful as maybe I should be when I walk around the house in my underwear, (I am after all swedish...) but I have never even bumped into anyone on the stairs after having a shower when Im wrapped in one towel and got another wrapped "turban style" round my hair.



So if I wake up during the night because "nature calls" I just go to the loo in my pj's and dont really think any more about it...

Or at least up until last night....

To make the matters worse yeaterday was laundry day so instead of my pj's I slept in a vest and my knickers.

At 03.14 I woke up feeling like my bladder was about to explode so I litterally threw myself out of bed and aimed for the bathroom.

I was to say the least surprised to bump into my "neighbour" who lives in the room next to me.

He had obviously just been to the bathroom and was on his way back to bed, however he is dressed very respectable in a dressing gown and slippers..

He looked chocked to see me aswell and the vest is a bit "washed out" and barely covers my modesty but its perfect to sleep in.

We mumbled "Oh..sorry" to each other and went our separate ways.



Once in the bathroom I wanted to bang my head against the wall and I kept repeating to myself: "Dressing gown!! Dressing gown! Wear it for goodness sake..."



I finished my business and as I opened the door there is my other neighbour! Who lives in the room above me....

She is also wearing a dressing gown!

She looked at me in what can only be described as pure horror!

Again I mumbled "oh..sorry" and hurried down the stairs and into my own safe bedroom.



Note to self: Wear your dressing gown!

I have now decided to hibernate in my bedroom and only come out at night, mind you it seems like there is a lot of traffic on the stairs even during the nocturnal hours in this house

Butterflies....

Ive just come home from visiting a dear friend, we ate some pasta and then went for a drive around the area that used to be an island and where we live.
We drove past a young couple wrapped around each other in a tight embrace, Im not sure if my friend noticed them but it took me back to a similar night 3 years 2 months and 8 days ago...
I recieved a txt and a challenge to meet him on the beach.
My hands and legs were shaking and the butterflies in my belly was doing the jig, but i was wearing the biggest smile you could imagine.
We ended up sitting in a dark carpark talking for four hours listening to a silly song about a womans "humps".
It was a magic night and I thanked my lucky star for this gorgous hunk of a man that was in my little bubble with me.
And then he kissed me....I still remember the tingly feeling, I remember thinking that had I not already been sitting down my legs would have given way. And then the butterflies in my belly slowed down to a seducive "bumb 'n grind"....

Sleepless nights

Last night was to say the least restless, I didnt actually get to sleep until around 05.00 this morning..

So Ive only had aproximately 4 hrs sleep, still I feel wide awake.

I dont have these nights very often, I love to sleep and can fall asleep in a noisy nightclub if I wanted to (and I have done, however it might also have been helped by the amount of alcohol that was in my body at the time)

So what was it that was occupying my thoughts last night? What made it impossible for me to shut my eyes and get some rest?
Why cant our brains "shut off" but sometimes - or quite often for some people - work overtime going over and over the days events?

I can understand people who have very exciting lives were intresting things happen all the time and they obviously need to relive all the magic again.
I would...

Today will be spent doing laundry and relaxing, I might catch up on some sleep or my body might decide that ive had enough and wont get to rest until tonight

The velvet hour....

Its now 02:45 am and Im still awake...my friend calls this time of night "The velvet hour", Im not 100% sure of what she means by it but I think it sounds so poetic and romantic.
Like this is the time when you will have sleepy whispering conversations with your loved one, who is warm and gorgeous next to you.
Or if you have ever seen "The Exorcist of Emily Rose" you know that in about 15 mins the devil and other demons will take posession of your mind, body and soul and slowly destroy you.
I have only seen parts of the film i.e the parts where the priest is in court trying to explain what Emily has been posessed by.
The parts where she actually is posessed I spent behind a cussion. Terrified.

But back to my velvet hour..
I have no loved one to whisper sweet nothings to next to me.
Instead I have a family sized dairy Milk Bubbles, a litre carton of orange and mango juice and watching Sex And The City.
If I turned the sound down I might hear the silence of the house and hopefully I wont get posessed by any kind of demons

Revenge is sweet?

Unfortunately Im not one of these people who can just let things that upset and anger me just wash over me, say I am fabolous! and then just carry on with my life as if that thing never happened.
I see red, scream, shout and stomp my feet....
Then I start planning my revenge
I might not always carry out what I have planned, but just thinking about what I will do makes me feel so much better.
Im now planning again, and this time I think I will actually carry it all out....
For obvious reasons I cant give the details away here.
Yet.....
I was thinking, should I do it?
Will it make me feel better?
Or will i come across as the sad bitter bitch?
Thats why it has to be done carefully and at just the right time.....

I will keep you posted

Why am I here?

As time is drawing closer to my move from England and back to Sweden I have found myself looking back on my time here.
People ask me why i moved here in the first place since sweden is such a beautiful country?
The answer to that is pure and simple: A man......
7 months previously I had returned home from a year working as an Au-pair in England with a heavy suitcase and an even heavier heart.
I met G.F in a London club, he was the best looking, handsome and generally gorgeous man I had ever met, and without a doubt, the best my fairly inexperienced lips had ever puckered up to.
I nearly missed the last bus home that night, my friends had wanted to go home hours ago but being true friends they just waited for my at the bus stop although not without some very grumpy faces and gruntling at me.
Somehow I didnt care, I just carried on smiling and looking dreamily out of the window.

So he is the reason why I came here with an even heavier suitcase and my big teddy bear on my arm that sunny day in April 1998.
Me and G.F didnt end up living happily ever after as my heart desired, but its ok, I met some other amazing men instead...
But that is a subject for another day

Its official......

Ok, so I took the decission to make my blog a bit more public by putting the link for each entry on facebook.
It has taken me 3 days and several emails to helpful and vastly computer savvy friends on "how to get the link into the status square"
Jeez, I didnt realise you needed a degree.....
But here it is!
Hopefully there will be more.....hopefully I will get a bit more savvy myself....

It is obviously putting some pressure on me to actually write it, preferably every day.....
And by doing this I will hopefully further develop my vocabulary and who knows maybe I will become computer litterate.
The next step is to learn how to put pictures on here, but before i do that i will need to learn how to download the photos to my laptop.
As you can see i have a long way to go..
I better start now....