1. 12. 52. 365

Year.
Months
Weeks.
Days.

Since I should have got married.

I'm doing much better today than I did this time last year. When I didn't know how it would just be possible for me to wake up tomorrow?
When I felt like I would just stop breathing, my heart would stop beating, there was no possible way that I could get myself out of this excruciating dark hole of pain.

But I did.
And it wasn't even the first thing on my mind when I woke up this morning.

A couple of weeks ago I deleted Him from my life.
I erased His phone nr, and I don't know it by heart.
I have erased his email address from my contact list (although I do know that by heart) and I erased him from my friends list on facebook.

Why such drastic behaviour?

When I was in England last month, we met up.
It did feel a bit weird, but I also felt calm and at peace just sitting next to Him.
He told me that He still loves me and He wants us to try again to patch our relationship together.
It felt nice to hear, I felt a warmth starting in my belly working its way through my chest and into my heart.
I didnt really know what to think but I didnt unpack the car with all my things so that could stay with him.
But it felt nice and I felt happy.

A week after I returned to Sweden I was talking to a friend on the "chat" on on facebook and I saw that he was online aswell, so I said "Hello"
His reply made my blood freeze "Hi Mia, it's Sue, my internet isn't working so Im on His facebook" (Sue being his mother but not her real name)
I thought: Who the hell does He think He is? And who the hell does He think I am?
Why would his mother be on his facebook? and since they use the same computer, how come "she" could log into His facebook and not her "own" internet....

And so I did something that I know is absolutely not right, it is not acceptable behaviour and it only got myself into trouble and caused me more grief and heartache.
But I logged into his facebook account.
If I had one braincell I should have waited until he had logged out..but I didnt...so obviously he caught me and has now changed his password.
But I still managed to check his inbox and his "chatlog"
And I dont think he misses me as much as he said, I dont think he loves me as much as he claims.
The same day that I left England he asked a girl to meet him for some drinks and "maybe some fun after?" He told one girl that he is looking for a f**k buddy as long as she can handle "a big man".
And he was asking women to have threesomes with him and his mate...

The thing is, I'm not that angry with him...Im mostly angry with myself, for being so bloody stupid and actually thinking that he could change and believing what he told me was true?
So I erased him from my life.

It is a good thing that He changed His password.
Because I really have no business snooping in His emails.
I guess I dont think of it the same way as others might do.
People are welcome to look through my emails and the txt's on my phone.
I have nothing to hide.
I'm not a "hacker" so I can't and wouldn't hack into my neighbours account for example, but I doubt that my neighbour has anything out of interest for me in his mailbox...
I know that what I did is wrong and it wont happen again (and it cant happen again...I dont know the password anymore)

And I realise that I have a bit of an "obsessive personality" which I need to make sure doesnt develope further. What is next? Boiling bunnies?
I am making a pledge to myself today.
"No more! It is time to move forward and allow yourself to be happy"

Funnily enough I recived an email from him this morning, I read it, and deleted it.
Moving forward.