Bath time

I have just had a bath.
This is fairly rare for me, I don't really like baths, to quote Chandler in Friends:
"Whats so good about baths? You just sit there stewing in your own filth"
People say that having a bath is so relaxing, it takes away all your stress and eases your tense muscles.
Well... I disagree.
Firstly because it's boring. Sitting in water with nothing to do, Ive tried to read a book, but normally drop it in the water and even if I put it on the radiator to dry it is never the same after. Its like all the "magic" has been washed away.
Listen to music? Yes OK I can do that, but that requires that i take my laptop up to the bathroom and then it has to sit outside on the landing because I don't trust myself not to splash water on it, and that would also mean that everyone else in the house would have to listen to whatever I am listening to and I somehow cant see that going down a treat.

But tonight I decided that a bath was in order because my legs needed shaving.
I shave my legs, cant do waxing on my own, too painful and I'm not too keen on the idea to pay someone else to torture me.
So razor and shaving foam it is.
I don't need to shave very often, every 6 months ish...
I don't know if it is because I am blond or if I am actually partly albino. But the hair on my body just doesn't grow very fast and shaving my legs every 5-6 months is absolutely fine.

But I still have the issue of "stewing in own filth", so before i have a bath I have a shower and wash my hair.
That is another thing, I cant wash my hair in the bath, get dirty shampoo remains stuck to myself. Unpleasant.

Tonight I also put a deep conditioner on my hair to work its magic whilst I "relaxed" in my bath.
I put lots of bubbles in the water and hoped for aching muscles to loosen up.
They didn't.

As I've mentioned before I'm 6ft tall so I don't really fit into a bath as one would like to, with result of tense muscles in neck is nowhere near water and knees are getting cold.

I quickly shaved my legs (which was the whole point of having a bath)
I then had to have another shower to rinse out the deep conditioner from my hair and all the bubbles from the bath which were clinging on for dear life to my body.

The water was hot and pelted down on my neck, I could feel my muscles easing and i started to feel my knees again.
That is what I call relaxing!
All in all I have been in the bathroom for nearly 2 hours!
And the thing that made me relax the most only took 10 minutes.

I have now slathered myself in moisturizer and put a "cooling gel" on my feet, (they need some TLC as well..) and I'm tucked up in bed ready for my dvd night.

I bet i wont stay awake through the first film...

Saturday shopping

I have spent the morning in the shops, which is most rare for me, I'm not a keen shopper and an hour is more than enough.
But today I have been out for nearly four hours (!) and am still calm.
I'm shopping for my outfit for my party next week (I cant believe how quick the time has gone!)
I wanted to get a top with my trademark plunging neck line, but was out of luck, apparently that is not the trend anymore (I thought "get them out" tops ALWAYS was in fashion, like the little black dress)
I found a top on the internet that Ive ordered with express delivery so it should arrive on Monday which will give me time to try it on and decide if its good or bad.
(If its bad i will need to take a day off work to go hunting for something else, simple as that)

But I also need shoes and bling bling.
I love jewelry, classic, timeless and exquisite pieces but also fake and fun things that you can afford to buy lots of, for partying.
I have looked at some things, but cant decide until I have my top and know if I like it or not.

That leaves me with the dilemma of shoes...
I love shoes, especially high heels, but at 6ft I cant wear them.
I'm sure there is someone out there shouting : "Yes you can!"
No I cant!
I cant walk in heels and with both my ankles fractured in the past, I look like a new born calf trying to walk...
Its not pretty...
I have to stick with flats or maximum 3 inches...that's life unfortunately.
Saw some lovely ones on the same website as my top and I SHOULD have ordered them, but I thought I would look in the shops first...
I'm an idiot I know...
Hopefully I will have the rest of my wages in my account by Monday and i can order them then.

Today I am going to another party.
Its at work for my favourite client, she will be 70 next week so we are having her party this afternoon.
I have bought her some tactile toys which she loves, I know we are not supposed to have "favourite" clients but she is the coolest rocking granny there ever was.

I am also "cat sitting" this week.
Need to feed my friends cats twice a day, which is no problem, as long as I don't forget... I have visions of me waking up at 3am and having to drive over there because I forgot...

After party and cat feeding duties I am looking forward to a dvd night.
I have pop corn, and 5(!) new dvds
(I really MUST stop buying dvds...the boxes will not fit in the car...)

Hope you all have a good Saturday

Rude, insulting but comforting words

I think I am developing stress related Tourettes...
The word that has been popping out of my mouth all day today is "whore!!"
Said not very loudly but very passionately, and as soon as the word has flown out of my mouth I feel so much better.

Today my stress reached a new level.
Today is my pay day, I always look forward to this day with the excitement of a child at Christmas, only to be fairly disappointed since as soon as the money has gone into my account it gets taken out again, by rent, bills and tax...

But I nearly had a heart attack when I read my statement this morning...
Surely that couldn't be right??
And it wasn't.
My boss had "forgot" to add 53 (!) hrs I did last month.
Which means I'm £300 ish short!
The big boss will be in on Monday and sort it out...

Its not as bad as it could be, my bills don't get taken from my account until the end of the month so Ive a few days leeway...
But still..
I had planned to spoil myself before going to work today, now that went down the drain...

Thankfully my (hopefully) temporary tourettes kept itself at bay and i didn't shout Whore!! at my boss...
Could see me not getting a good reference to take with me to Sweden...

I am fully aware of that calling someone a whore is neither big or clever and certainly not nice or lady like.
And I would like to point out that its not something I normally call other people, at least not their face...

I have calmed down somewhat, had a good shift at work and tonight is "Red nose day" and I'm watching "Comic Relief" on BBC 1.
For you who don't live in UK and is wondering "WTF?? Red nose who?"
This is a charity that works mainly in Africa and the UK to give people a better life.
Celebrities will "do funny things" and raise a lot of money for the charity.
I love the lead up to this event, you meet people in the shops or at work who raise money themselves and might shave off their eye brows, or a lot of men will wax their legs, chest or whole bodies.
All in the name of charity.
I love it and get rather carried away in my enthusiasm about the different acts but it is also heart breaking watching the people both in England and Africa who suffers so badly from Malaria, abuse or die in childbirth.

I admire the people who work so hard for the things they believe in and the amazing things they do for other people.
It makes me want to do something more than just call in or txt and donate £10.
I wonder if I could set up "Comic relief" in Sweden?
Or maybe there already is something similar?

I however got my spirits very rudely dampened by a friend I talked on the phone to earlier this evening.
"I would never waste my time with watching something like that. Everyone knows that all the money donated are always lost on taxes and wages"
Well how optimistic one can be...
I don't understand how one person can be so negative and boring.
It is a really good, funny program, and its for charity!
What did I say to her?
"Shut up you whore!"

I felt so much better afterwards.

Comfort food.

Hormones still seem to bother me today, I'm still in a fairly bad mood and I'm sure that my colleagues can vouch for me being a bit grumpy this morning.
I cant seem to snap out of it, Ive been for a walk, Ive listened to good music and Ive been perving over David Boreanaz for quite some time now.
Still nothing.
So I have yet again fallen victim for my favorite thing in the whole world:
Food.
And not good healthy food...
The badder the better really, and my favourite is chocolate.

Most of my friends loose weight when they are stressed and unhappy, then put on weight when they are happy and content..
Not me.
When I'm stressed and miserable I cant stop eating.
And when I'm happy, settled and at peace I loose weight.

So if you look at me you can figure that I have been miserable for a long long LONG time.
At one time in my life I used to put my fingers down my throat after every meal.
It was a sort of release and I felt I had done something good, but mainly it was because my best friend did it too and i wanted to be more like her..

I think for me it was a phase i went through and thankfully i never fully developed bulimia or anorexia, two illnesses Ive seen ruin lives of those close to me.
I'm not sure that my relationship with food is any better however.
But I don't seem to obsess about food in the same way.

I have a few friends who have or are about to have gastric bypass operations, to help them loose weight.
It has made me wonder if its something that i should look into?
But is half a cup of food three times a day how I want to live?
And there is still a risk that you will stretch your stomach after the op, obviously not straight away but with time it could happen apparently.

My weight has yo-yo'ed my whole life pretty much, Ive never been thin, but eight years ago I had some seriously sexy curves on me (ha)
So what happened?
What made me loose control and not know when I was full up?
Well a lot of things happened, I was unfairly fired from a job I loved.
I was badly let down by a man I was in love with and I miscarried our baby, I think I was very close to a nervous breakdown.

Somehow I think I felt that food was my only comfort, food didn't ask uncomfortable questions, food wouldn't say horrible things about me and food made me feel safe.
I didn't put my fingers in my throat anymore, so the weight piled on rather quickly.
I have had another three miscarriages after that and everytime the food was there to give me comfort.
Comfort I couldn't find anywhere else, it filled me and helped me not to think so much about the pain, both the physical and emotional pain.

It is hard to write this, I didn't tell anyone about what i was going through, the one I wanted to be there for me wasn't, so for some reason I thought that no one else would be either.
I lost my faith in everyone and everything, I didn't trust that my friends could handle my pain, so I shut them out and locked myself away.
I did come out every now and then, but I think it is safe to say that I had changed and unfortunately I'm still that person who I changed into.
I can honestly say that I don't know if "the old me" is still in there somewhere and if She will ever come back.
I guess only time can tell.

I did find that the times I spent at home, in Sweden with my parents I always lost some weight, even over Christmas.
So that is my hopes for the future, that coming back home will calm me, give me inner peace and the food issues will sort itself out without too many tears on my behalf.

Hormones...

Is it just me?
Who turns into a bit of a monster once a month?
No of course I'm not, and for that I am grateful, at least half of the earthly population understands me..

I am grumpy!
To say the least.
And today several people have been on the receiving end of my wrath.

After I came home from being stood up (I COULD have left a very nasty message on her answering machine, but chose not to since there is a small small risk of accident) I had started the very exciting task of shredding 13 years of paper work that I wont need living in Sweden. This in it self is NOT fun but then there was a very loud bang on the door followed by an intense ringing of the doorbell.
Which didn't end...
Who ever was out there was determined not to be ignored so I had to get up and go to the door.
I yanked the door open and stared at the postman.
"Hi there are you Maude? Ive got a parcel for you."
Something snapped in me there and then.
I felt the blood rush to my head and I let out a sort of "roar"...
"Do I look like my name is MAUDE??"
The poor man almost fell down the stairs...
"Erm sorry I don't know....I have a parcel here can you sign for it?"
"NO"
I did calm down a little bit but I point blank refused to take Maude's parcel and slammed the door in the postman's face.

Only to get to my senses as soon as i got back in my room.
I hoped he would still be out there so once again I yanked the door open and shouted "HEY WAIT"
In his face........he was still right outside the door...writing a note for Maude.....
I apologised and said that of course I would take her parcel and then tried to explain that I am on my period and my hormones are running riot....

He didn't say a word, just handed me the parcel and the pad to sign on...
Well...I cant be popular with everyone can I?

And unfortunately it doesn't stop there...
I went to have a shower.
And was AGAIN hit on the head by the shower curtain thingy...
It really hurt this time...So I called my landlady and shouted at her, telling her "That thing is a safety hazard!! And I could have been knocked unconscious (yeah right..) and if its not sorted this week I will report her to the tenancy union"

I don't actually know what "The tenancy union" is....
And I'm half expecting her to turn up here with staff from the mental unit in tow..they will talk calmly to me and then ask me to put on the nice white jacket they have brought just for me....

Hopefully it wont come to that...
And in America there are women who have been let off murder charges because they were on their periods...so surely a little shouting wont get me into too much trouble..?

But the last thing that has happened (well so far, the day isn't over yet) is that I got an email from my friend giving me details of her afternoon of passion with her boyfriend.
Whom I have met.
So now I have the image of them "bonking like rabbits on the kitchen table" (and chairs and floor...HER words! Not mine)
It is very disturbing and I am scarred for life!
That white jacket doesn't actually sound so bad now...

This has been a rather stressful day, I now need dinner and chill in front of the telly.
Hopefully my house mates will keep their distance while I prepare my food, I cant guarantee that i will keep calm...

All this stress because of hormones!
And men think they have a hard life...

STOOD UP!!

I was supposed to meet a friend for coffee at 10 am today.
10 o'clock is a bit early for me to be up, showered and ready on my day off ..but since I haven't seen her for nearly 2 years I made an exemption...

And she STOOD ME UP!!!
I send her a txt and I called her, but got no reply.
I am not impressed to say the least.
I wont think too many bad thoughts, if something has happened I will feel extremely guilty..

So instead I spent some time window shopping, looking for an outfit for my party, and i found nothing!
I want something glamorous, sparkling and flattering.
But there seems to be some sort of cowboy trend going on.
I'm not impressed with that either.
So I bought a new mascara instead.

And drove home, to relax and wind down.
Maybe I will get some more sleep?

Rainy Sunday by the sea

Ive got the window open and listening to the rain, it is so peaceful and calming.
It has been a lovely sunny day and around lunch time i took a stroll along the beach, something I haven't done for a long while.
I used to walk all the time, along the beach or in the town, with music on my Walkman I would walk for hours when I was feeling low and my spirits needed lifting.
I haven't got a Walkman anymore but am hoping that someone will buy me an ipod soon....

My lungs was aching a bit but I carried on in slow pace and allowed the sun to warm my face.
The sea was glistering and people were spending time on their boats, it looked nice but I didn't wish to be out there myself.
Ive never been a boat fan, I get sea sick too easily and I'm not 100% sure that there isn't some kind of sea monster down there...
One that is just waiting for me to go out on a boat so it can tip it over and drown me or eat me, then i have to spend ages in the tummy, like Jonah and the whale....
I can be without that so I'm staying put on dry land if no one minds?


By the time I came home the blues had almost vanished and I felt much better.
I would like to have the day off tomorrow as well, but since I only have another 3 weeks left to work, I figure I should just stick it out.
By the looks of things I will have at least the whole of April off which would be just wonderful.

I'm running myself a bath to relax a bit more and then have an early night, so I can be fresh tomorrows work.
I will keep the window open in the bathroom so to hear the rain whilst I'm in the bath, I'm hoping that it will take me to a higher level of relaxation