Comfort food.

Hormones still seem to bother me today, I'm still in a fairly bad mood and I'm sure that my colleagues can vouch for me being a bit grumpy this morning.
I cant seem to snap out of it, Ive been for a walk, Ive listened to good music and Ive been perving over David Boreanaz for quite some time now.
Still nothing.
So I have yet again fallen victim for my favorite thing in the whole world:
Food.
And not good healthy food...
The badder the better really, and my favourite is chocolate.

Most of my friends loose weight when they are stressed and unhappy, then put on weight when they are happy and content..
Not me.
When I'm stressed and miserable I cant stop eating.
And when I'm happy, settled and at peace I loose weight.

So if you look at me you can figure that I have been miserable for a long long LONG time.
At one time in my life I used to put my fingers down my throat after every meal.
It was a sort of release and I felt I had done something good, but mainly it was because my best friend did it too and i wanted to be more like her..

I think for me it was a phase i went through and thankfully i never fully developed bulimia or anorexia, two illnesses Ive seen ruin lives of those close to me.
I'm not sure that my relationship with food is any better however.
But I don't seem to obsess about food in the same way.

I have a few friends who have or are about to have gastric bypass operations, to help them loose weight.
It has made me wonder if its something that i should look into?
But is half a cup of food three times a day how I want to live?
And there is still a risk that you will stretch your stomach after the op, obviously not straight away but with time it could happen apparently.

My weight has yo-yo'ed my whole life pretty much, Ive never been thin, but eight years ago I had some seriously sexy curves on me (ha)
So what happened?
What made me loose control and not know when I was full up?
Well a lot of things happened, I was unfairly fired from a job I loved.
I was badly let down by a man I was in love with and I miscarried our baby, I think I was very close to a nervous breakdown.

Somehow I think I felt that food was my only comfort, food didn't ask uncomfortable questions, food wouldn't say horrible things about me and food made me feel safe.
I didn't put my fingers in my throat anymore, so the weight piled on rather quickly.
I have had another three miscarriages after that and everytime the food was there to give me comfort.
Comfort I couldn't find anywhere else, it filled me and helped me not to think so much about the pain, both the physical and emotional pain.

It is hard to write this, I didn't tell anyone about what i was going through, the one I wanted to be there for me wasn't, so for some reason I thought that no one else would be either.
I lost my faith in everyone and everything, I didn't trust that my friends could handle my pain, so I shut them out and locked myself away.
I did come out every now and then, but I think it is safe to say that I had changed and unfortunately I'm still that person who I changed into.
I can honestly say that I don't know if "the old me" is still in there somewhere and if She will ever come back.
I guess only time can tell.

I did find that the times I spent at home, in Sweden with my parents I always lost some weight, even over Christmas.
So that is my hopes for the future, that coming back home will calm me, give me inner peace and the food issues will sort itself out without too many tears on my behalf.