AGONY

I was helping a client in the bathroom when something snapped in my back. Sharp pains were shooting up to my neck and down my legs and I blacked out for half a second. I clinged onto my poor client, luckily she was sitting down so there was no major accident, but I couldn't move for a minute or so. My wonderful colleague let me go early and I'm now home piled up with cushions, drugged up to the eye balls but still in agony, I am in a cold sweat from the pain.
I will have to call the doctor first thing tomorrow morning and get an emergency appointment I'm hoping its just a trapped nerve but somehow I think I'm fooling myself this time with my positive thinking. I just have to wait and see what happens over night.

My parents sent me a text this morning, they landed in Phuket and their luggage went to Bangkok...something that has never happened to us before (touch wood)
I hope it will arrive to their hotel room within 24 hrs..holidaying without your clothes cant be fun.

I discovered Spotify properly about a month ago, my friend Sara sent me an invitation since you cant just join, willy nelly, when I first came home (I cant believe it is 4 months ago..) but I just couldn't get my head round it.
I have now however, and I'm making lists left right and centre and I found a long forgotten song from years ago. I know that Micke has played it a couple of times whilst Ive been there, but I haven't really listened to it, until I found it on spotify a few days ago. And tons of memories came flooding back, from the summer after my first miscarriage, I went home to my parents to heal and recharge and ended up having a great time with the girls.
I am quite good at pushing some things to the back of my mind and not think about it anymore, but sometimes things pop back up and I think "what if"..
What if I hadn't miscarried that first time?
What would have happened?
I would have had a 9 year old child now.
And what if I hadn't lost the second one?
He or she would have been 7 years old now.

None of my pregnancies have been planned, they have all come as a total surprise and chock since I DID protect myself. I knew in my heart these were not boys who were "father material", but they had velvet eyes and oh such soft lips..

My fourth and last miscarriage was probably the saddest and hardest one.
We didn't use protection, we didn't really plan a baby, but if an "accident" would happen we would be fine, actually over the moon about it.
And it happen, (because a midwife once told me that I am apparently extremely fertile, which I'm not sure if I should take as a compliment or just a slap in the face since I haven't yet been able to carry a pregnancy through)
It was just before Christmas and I had planned to wrap the test in gift wrap since it was His birthday 3 weeks before Christmas.
I never got to give it to Him, instead He got a hysterical girlfriend on the phone.
I still think what would have happened if I had got to keep that one?
Where would we have been now?
Happy families with a gorgeous, naughty 2 year old?
Or would I be a single mother struggling to get ends to meet?
I know He would have (and will one day) been a great dad, I suppose we were just not meant to be.
But I still wonder.
And I wonder if He still thinks about it?
Does He wonder "what if"?



Hope you enjoy Kylie, it is still one of my favourite songs