Weirdness...

It is halfterm week here this week. Yesterday we went to the cinema and today we went shopping and then for pizza. I bought some little bits to make my bedroom look lovlier and warm.


The vase is such a gorgeous colour, I have always said that a woman over the age of fifteen needs to be careful with the colour pink. At least of the clothes she wears. Pink is the colour for babies and children, I cant think of anything more pathetic than a woman in her thirties wearing a pink tracksuit, pink trainers, her hair in pigtails and to finish the look off, she carries a pink little "bowling ball" handbag....
But if you tone it down a bit, add some deep red and purple it, I think it can look very sophisticated and soulful.
I am not done with decorating my bedroom, to be honest it is not the place I want to call my bedroom, I just sleep there until I can find a bigger and better flat.
But until then I want to make the room look as good as it can. And when I then move, I have all the things I need for a perfect, comfortable, budoir.


I have lit some candles, to try and lift my spirits a bit, I am feeling sad and lonely, things aren't really working out how I thought and hoped them to do.
And even though I am doing my uttermost to think positive I can not help but wonder if I have done something wrong?
If I have upset people? Or if I am just not as fun to be around as I was last year?
Not that "funny" is a verb I would use to describe myself...but still...
The pain in my heart, that was subsiding slowly but surely, came back with a vengance the other day.
For no apparent reason, it was there when I woke up and I spent the whole last weekend silent on my own, without anyone to talk to or laugh with. I wrote emails and text messages and didnt get a single answer.
I dont think I have ever felt so lonely in my entire life and I started thinking about what I would do in a crisis situation. Would I risk my life for someone else?
Would I stay holding the bomb just so that everyone else could get safely out of the building? And possibly die myself?

I think the way to go tonight is a warm shower, wash my hair and then snuggle up in bed with my book.
I need to get back on track looking after myself properly, I know I am not doing it at the moment, I seem to completely have forgotten how to.
So I will start with a lot of sleep and water and then take one step at a time.

I have heard this song three times today already, I love it and again I wonder if I gave up too easily and if I was given up on too easily aswell.