It is 02.45 am, and I am wide awake. Why? I ask! What is the point? I had only been asleep for two hours when something woke me, not sure what, but I felt rested and awake so thought it was around 08.00am. I then realised it was very dark outside, too dark for 08.00am in fact.
So I got up, made myself a cup of herbal tea and put SATC on, with hopes that Carrie and Big will make me sleepy. I can feel that I am coming down with a cold, hopefully not the flu, my nose is blocked, sore throat and my eyes are stinging and dreadfully itchy.
I will only stay up for a little while, then I will take myself back to bed with my book and hopefully go back to sleep for a few hours.
Why do we do this? Wake up, in the middle of the night, wanting food?
And end up sitting, staring out of the window, thoughts running free, and wild.
The snow is still here, and since I am able to stay indoors it makes me aprechiate it more, it is painfully beautiful.
So where are my thoughts? Stupid question really...they are with Him ofcourse.
But something is different tonight, I do not feel sad, just accepting.
I have felt like this before, but it always had sadness attached to it.
Maybe it is because this year is coming to an end, and for many people a time to really start a fresh. Start a new life. I never used to think about it that much, I think if you want to start "a new life" you can do it any day and date of the year.
I am more likely to have a panick attack on January the 1st. It has happened on several occasions, just because I felt pressured to have a "plan" for the new year ahead. And I was always quite sad that christmas and the celebrations was over, and ahead of me was the dark, wet months of January, February and March.
Even though my birthday is in January, which lifts my spirit a little bit, everyone seems to be depressed and not in the mood for celebrating anything, so my birthday has often ended up as a huge antiklimax.
I remember one year, I was out with some girls from work, they left me outside a club I didnt want to go into, I was terribly drunk and ended up calling my mum at 3 am, telling her I wanted to kill myself. My poor mother (obviously) became hysterical, especially since I then passed out, (at home, in bed) and didn't hear the phone ring. The next morning I didnt remember making the call. That was a bad time.
Next year will be different though. Betty will come over and we will go out with amazing girls, who would never leave me outside a club. And I am, hopefully, a bit more grown up that I wouldnt get so drunk that I cant remember telling my mother I am about to kill myself.
I have done some fairly stupid things in my life, I always wonder about people who say: "I dont regret anything I have done, if I lived again I would do everything exactly the same way". Would they really?? Have their lives been so fantastic that they would re-live all the heartache? And have they NEVER done anything so stupid, you just wish there was a button you could press and rewind the situation there and then?
I dont mean that you can, or should live your life without ever getting hurt or sad, I think you need some grief to become a better person and be able to relate to other people. Before you ask, No I do not regret getting together with Him, when I look back at our time together, I realise that I did learn a lot, about myself mostly. But there are things I regret doing and some things I regret not doing. Who knows where I would have been if I had done things differently, we might have been together still or we may not have been. There wasnt just me in the relationship though, for me to have done things differently, so would he have had to do. But I am now, here tonight, feeling more at peace than I have in a long time. I think that I made the decission that was right for me at the time and now, when I am ready, I can move on to a better brighter place, where I will find a different kind of happiness that will be good for me now.
Well, it is now 03.45, I have been writing for an hour and am , to be honest, not much closer to going to sleep. But maybe I will read my book for a while.
Shal I play a christmas song?
Hmmm, ok then, I hope you enjoy this one.
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